To be frustrated with friend

[pansyparkinson46]

I have a very dear friend who on the surface is lovely. Funny, generous and nice to be around. Our dc are similar ages and are friends too.

But she makes some terrible choices especially when it comes to men. She has 4 kids with 3 different dads. No judgement there but every single one of them is useless. Dad number one doesn't see the eldest at all. Dad to middle two is hit and miss and is an alright bloke but very immature and doesn't prioritise his dc at all. Has kids to other women as well. Dad to the youngest was abusive and controlling to my friend and the kids. We lost contact for a while as he alienated her from all of her friends and family. It's only coming to light now just how awful he was to her and more importantly the children.

She broke up with him under 6 months ago and is already with another man. He seems nice enough but it's clear to me that she just needs to chill out and focus on the kids who have been through a lot. This new man has already met all of the kids and they have gotten serious very quickly. The middle two spend a lot of time at mine as they are friends with my two kids and I have noticed some worrying behavioural traits in them. Lots of anxious behaviour and acting up. But my friend seems more interested in going on dates and cultivating yet another relationship.

She has even spoken about moving him in or moving in with him - he lives 45 minutes away and it would mean the kids moving schools.

I know it's not my business to comment on her life and relationships but aibu to think that your kids wellbeing should be the priority here? I genuinely do worry about the kids especially after how they were treated by the last man. She also has a toddler with this wanker who is spending lots of time with his abusive father so she has more freedom to go out.

Bump

You're not unreasonable to be frustrated with her but there's nothing you can do

Sadly theres not a lot you can do here.

If you bring it up with her she is likely to argue and /or cut you off.
We all know/knew someone like this.
It's sad she feels she needs a relationshipto be a whole person. Epecially for the children,what does that teach them ?
But you cannot tell her how to live unfortunately and she is not breaking the law. Yanbu to be frustrated./ worried for the children.

All you can do is keep an eye out for them if you see anything else.

YANBU at all OP but other than trying to talk to her (which will probably get you nowhere) there is a limit to what you can do unfortunately. For the middle two it does sound like your home could be a bit of respite for them. You are probably helping them, by offering that space and friendships with your own DC, more than you realise.

If you become seriously worried about their anxiety and behavioural traits and hit a brick wall with friend, you could consider a confidential discussion with the safeguarding lead at the DC’s school perhaps. They may well already be aware of issues but an additional perspective is always helpful. And there could be things the school could do to help support the DC (play therapy etc) that might be a positive step.

But really in terms of your friends’ actual choices, unless she is prepared to acknowledge that she’s not putting her DC’s needs first, or take steps to address those poor choices and (very likely) self esteem issues, there is probably not much you can really do. She sounds like one of those women who, for whatever reason, will always prioritise her own need for a man over the needs of her children and she will likely repeat that pattern over and over and over.

It makes me so sad that women like this (not to mention the bloody useless awful abusive men dads) are fertile in the first place. And the even worse thing is that the DC will then probably grow up and go on to repeat the pattern too.