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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a normal reaction to have when a baby is born?

15 replies

ohthatbloodycat · 23/07/2021 21:21

Bear with me while I try and explain my weirdness Grin
A family member has just had his first baby. I couldn't be any more thrilled for him and his wife. The baby is absolutely beautiful, and they will make such wonderful parents. I'm so, so happy for all of them.
Here's the rub. I'm a single mum to my three. They are good kids and I love them dearly. But when I think of this new baby, I feel slightly sad for me and my children too. And a tiny bit jealous. It's not that I want any more children; far from it, and I'm too old anyway.
It's just that a new baby represents a clean slate, a new and fresh start. And it makes me think that if I could go back, I would do many things so very differently. I'm a good mum and my children love me and think I'm the best. But in some ways, I've struggled. I put on a good show, but deep down this isn't really the life for me and I'm looking forward to one day getting my life back again. My own mother wasn't a natural, and I sometimes worry that I'm like her. I think a part of it is that I am feeling slightly demented by my 3 over the summer holiday! Grin
I'm sitting here crying like a total loon as I write this! I don't even know what my AIBU is exactlyConfused
In a nutshell, a new baby being born into the family has brought up some feelings in me. The feeling of wanting to do it again, but better this time. And seeing their happy little family unit has made me sad that my children don't have that any more.
Obviously I keep these feelings to myself.
Can anyone else relate to what I have written?
Thanks.

OP posts:
Fl0w3ry · 23/07/2021 21:27

In a way, yes. Not so much that I would like to start again with a new baby, but that I'd like to start from day 1 with my DC again. I've made mistakes along the way that I would like to do differently if I could do it again. But at the same time my DC are amazing so I must have done something right along the way!
I think a new baby does often stir up feelings in other family members too. As long as you can be happy for them too that's the main thing. And remember, they will also make their own mistakes too. Just focus on the future with your DC and all the great memories you can make with them now.

annoyingcat · 23/07/2021 21:28

I deffo relate to your user name!

I can understand what you are feeling but all you can do is do the best you can now.

Worrying you are like your own mother will grind you down. I have thought like that too, when I don't feel like the perfect mum.
If your children are happy then you are the best mum in the world x

EeeppP · 23/07/2021 21:29

Totally relate. I expect many of us do.

Original poster
ohthatbloodycat · 23/07/2021 21:29

Thanks for your very kind and understanding reply!
I am honestly and so very genuinely over the moon for them.
And my own kids are great, even if they are doing my head in a bit these days!
But yeah, definitely things I'd do differently.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 23/07/2021 21:30

Its natural to grieve what you had and to be sad not to able to share the highs and lows of parenting with someone else.

GuckGuckDoose · 23/07/2021 21:42

I get it. Totally. I really struggle with friends having new babies. Although objectively I am delighted for them, I REALLY struggled with DD1 and while DD2 has been delightful by comparison in many ways, circumstances have been tricky - so when a new baby is born, it sweeps up feelings of almost anticipatory envy that their experiences (for various very outing reasons) will almost certainly be absolutely nothing like mine. I don’t, however, get the feeling of wanting do it again - quite the opposite in fact!!

Original poster
ohthatbloodycat · 23/07/2021 21:47

It's bittersweet, isn't it? The presence of a new, innocent baby making you think about your own parenting experience. And the new doting parents making you reflect on your own jadedness!

OP posts:
LuaDipa · 23/07/2021 21:59

I totally relate to this. With hindsight I could be a much better mum to mine, only because I understand them more now.

Original poster
ohthatbloodycat · 23/07/2021 22:01

Exactly!

OP posts:
Defaultuser · 23/07/2021 22:38

Do you think some of it is also nostalgia about the baby stage of your own DC? Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time for a day to spend it with baby DC. Not the nights though!

Justcallmebebes · 23/07/2021 22:45

I got it when I had gkids only better!! You can do it all again only better with the benefit of having hindsight and experience and you get to hand them back. Win win 😂

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2021 22:50

Mine is only 2 and will be my only, not through choice. I adore babies, loved every minute of having a newborn and I get a twinge that I won’t have that again. I don’t want their baby and I’m delighted for them, but I’d love another baby and to have that whole starting again thing.

So not the same as your situation but I completely hear what you’re saying and it’s understandable and natural.

OnlyToWin · 23/07/2021 22:55

Can totally relate!
One of the reasons I longed for a third baby was so I could do everything perfectly that time. I am a perfectionist by nature and it doesn’t combine well with the messy and unpredictable business of motherhood and life generally!
I think all you can think it that you did the best you could at each stage based on the experience and information you had at the time. That’s all anyone can do!!

OnlyToWin · 23/07/2021 22:56

Oh and I didn’t have the third baby!

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/07/2021 23:14

I envy any household with a new babySmile

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