To NOT want a relationship with my lovely sibling?

[ConfusedSister]

This is a strange one, but I have no one in my personal life that understands my feelings around this and I just sound so ungrateful.

Basically a decade ago my estranged father died. I went to the funeral where I met my biological half brother for the first time. There were 2 brothers on my dads side with different women.

Brother number 1 was pleasent but didn't have much interest in a long term relationship and neither did I. So we had a couple of weeks of finding out information about eachother we never knew, exchanged numbers and had no further contact since. We both had our own lives and families/friends so left it there.

Brother number 2 I will call John. Since the funeral John has made a LOT of effort to maintain contact and form a sibling relationship.
He has no other siblings and other Brother number 1 basically told him directly he wanted no further contact or relationship.

I on the other hand was open to keeping contact as I didn't mind either way really. However John over the years has become a nuisance although lovely.

He sends birthdays and Christmas cards and presents. He insists on traveling across the country to see me and wants me to see him which I have obliged on occasion due to a sense of duty/obligation to him after all the effort he puts in.

He rings me very regularly and makes it clear he wants an active role in my life as a sibling.

Now here is where I don't know if I am being an unreasonable ungrateful cow or if my reaction is normal/reasonable.

I already have siblings that I grew up with from my mother's side. I don't particularly get on with them and don't put in a fraction of the amount of time I feel I have to do for John. Me and my siblings don't ring eachother constantly and see eachother at Christmas at my mums and maybe once during the summer. We are all happy with this level of contact.

If my siblings were to start calling me like John does I could say to them 'stop annoying me and no harm done. We have that sort of relationship as raised together.

John essentially is a stranger I have little in common with other than the fact we have the same dad. The relationship feels forced and unnatural to me.

John has a wife and children and he tries to force some kind of 'auntie' role from me. He will ring me and put the kids of the phone to speak to their 'auntie'. But it's awkward for both me and the kids as I have met them a handful of times over the years. He'll send me handmade gifts from the children which is sweet but essentially feels like a strangers child's gift I'm expected to put on my mantelpiece and feel sentimental about.

I find myself avoiding calls from John and dread seeing texts pop up from him. It feels almost like a burden.

I keep telling myself to be grateful I have someone who genuinely cares and WANTS to see me and cares about my wellbeing.

But if I'm honest, the relationship is just awkward and unnatural as we weren't raised together and have nothing in common. It's a forced relationship.

I don't know if I am making any sense or if anyone understands.

I'd appreciate advice. Even if it's a kick up the ass to say I am ungrateful and selfish to feel this way and to keep making me effort.

I'm on my phone so apologies for any typos.

So, after all this talking, have you found anything in common with him? Any shared interest? Are you not getting fond of the children, not even a bit?
Of course you are not unreasonable. Nobody can force themselves to feel like John is their brother, and have the same feelings as you have with your siblings. But I would expect you to start been friends with him by now. At least you have nothing at all in comon.
It is a shame that is not going that well. I can see both points. His to try to connect with you and his brother. You to find it imposing and fakelike.
Do you think you could tell him that you find it too much? That you want to get to know him, but it does not feel natural? I think he is trying too hard. Your reaction looks like that of someone facing a try-hard person. It is off- putting. Maybe a bit of honesty will actually set your relationship into a more natural and fullfling one?

@Sssloou thank you for your perspective. Very interesting. How would you go about it if it was you?

@MushMonster the kids are okay but I don't see them enough to build a relationship. Also as ive not grown up with John I can't see him in them or anything. With my other nephews I'll see my brothers when they were younger or similarities to other family members which bonds us further I suppose.

Me and John do get on and can have a laugh when we meet up and chit chat but the same way I do with a nice male colleague at lunch if that makes sense.

His wife is also kind and makes a lot of effort but I think that's because she's super close to her own siblings and she wants that for John too.

I feel bad for John like other posters do but that doesn't make the obligation and mental load any easier for me.

I'll be honest, you don't sound like a warm person to me. John is the opposite. So essentially, you're both very different people.
You can't help how you feel, and nor can he. Tricky one. But I do feel sorry for him!

You probably just take after your dad OP. Kind of a pity but what can you do?

@NannyAndJohn

He's not your sibling, he's creepy stranger.

Tell him you want no further contact and block his number.

That's a bit harsh!

@NannyAndJohn that says so much more about you than the OPs brother.

Yanbu, he doesn't seem to care about what you want or what you are comfortable with. Relationships should be mutual, reciprocal.

Do you want any contact at all? Would you want to renegotiate this relationship to have a level of contact that you feel comfortable with?

I’d address it in the same way as I would laying out my boundaries with a friend. I have had cause to do this twice in life. It wasn’t fabulous fun, but it wasn’t horrible either. I basically said that I couldn’t match the level of intensity that they clearly wanted from me, that it was just not in my personality type to do it.

Then I laid out my communication preferences. Quite clinically, but in a calm friendly tone. I said for example that my policy was to return calls or texts within 5-7 days, if and when life allowed. Also that catch-ups were hard for me, even with my closest friends that I’d grown up with (you could sub in your original siblings). Things like that.

In my mind, what helped me do this was the knowledge that they had made no effort to pick up on my preferences, or ‘read the room’ prior to this conversation. So I needn’t feel guilty spelling it out.

All in all these convos I’ve had have gone well. Of course they weren’t thrilled, but I was able to tone down the intensity or feel less annoyed when they tried to up it. Having told them, I just went about my business and then referred back to my ‘policies’ if I had to. Like ‘Jeffrey, remember what I said, don’t expect an answer the next day, you’ll just be disappointed.’

You’ll feel better once you’ve done it. It’s not about ‘love’ or ‘being mean’, it’s about two different (clashing) communication styles- his based firmly in fantasy-land. That’s his issue to deal with, not yours.

Get where you're coming from, but maybe it's worth trying to get to know him a bit better before you write it all off or lose your rag at him.

Could you open up to him a bit? Ask him personal questions? Ask about growing up without siblings, tell him how you felt about your dad bring we estranged, just open up to him and see what happens.

I'm with you, OP, i'd feel uncomfortable with someone who i don't really know trying to force family closeness on me. John has very different expectations to you which makes it hard. A few times a year with maybe a meet up to have a chat and fill in gaps would be great.

Maybe you could try the honest but nice approach and say it's great to stay in contact but it's taking time to adjust to being a sister? Is it possible to dilute his calls with your dh? Or just keep pleading busy life, job etc so you don't answer as many calls from him?

I guess he may be being over the top to get close and seems to making a bit of a hash of it., he seems to have jumped on both feet when it would be more natural to build up a friendship. All new relationships can be awkward. I don’t think you are BU as you can’t manufacture sibling love feelings however I do feel that a talk with him and maybe some time just the 2 of you maybe if there’s an interest you share that can be built upon? You may be glad of him in the future .

I definitely wouldn’t be talking to John about my policies.
I might start an open discussion about getting to know siblings as adults and how that feels.
You might be able to discover if he’s finding it fulfilling or not, and if its the case, perhaps he can acknowledge that he’s trying too hard because it’s not as close as he’s always wanted.

You might even be able to tell him how lovely you find him, but that it isn’t the same as your gown-up-together sibling relationships and perhaps expecting it to be much closer or tighter than a friendship is unrealistic.
But I wouldn’t start a conversation with anything other than an intention to connect with him over the experience.

I speak as someone who does feel close to my half siblings, but there are differences with them and the siblings i grew up with.

It’s both, and it’s complicated.

Therapy to help you work through all this, as a PP suggests, may be a good idea. I would have a conversation with John though- face to face, and ask him to tone it down a bit, explaining this is all new to you, and a bit much.

He’s got a wife and kids so presumably isn’t lonely. Tell him you’re happy to be in touch, and meet once a year (or whatever you’re comfortable with), but the regular calls etc are a bit much, and you just want some space. It’s not unreasonable, but do just say it gently.

Jeez, what's with all this be kind and accommodate?

I'm sorry that John has family issues and a need to have a sibling, but you don't have to fill that void.

I can't believe People think you Abu to not want to continue a relationship with a stranger, no matter how nice he is (which I bet he actually isn't, as he is forcing his idea of sibling relationship on you) the fact that you share DNA does not make a family. Decide what you do want and go from there.

If I'm being brutally honest, I'd be wondering if he wanted this relationship because further down the line he wants to ask for money/ childcare/ some other favour.

I don't know tons of blokes who thirst for social contact or intimacy like this. Maybe that's just the men I know though!

It's tough one. I am not that social so I understand feeling a bit stifled and pressured to keep up a relationship you don't really want, but I also really feel for John, he's done nothing wrong.

Also you and other posters calling him a stranger, if I am reading this right you have been in regular contact a decade? Is it really fair to call him a stranger?

Oh geez, spare me the "you are so ungrateful, I wish I had a sibling" posts. I'm an only child and this makes me thank my lucky stars. I'd be screening the heck out of his calls and making every excuse in the book not to see him, OP. YANBU to feel claustrophobic.

Came back to read your replies. Just noticing that you're comparing John to the siblings you grew up with. But really it's not comparable at all. If you did want to make a go of it I think you'd have to not think of it in comparison to what you already know, but explore this new relationship in its own right.

This has been going on for ten years. Sorry op but I do feel sorry for him. It's almost like he's been living this fantasy that you are close and are an aunty to his children. Which you have allowed as you felt different but never told him. It doesn't even sound like you like him. He sounds like he loves you and thinks of you as family.

@ConfusedSister

Thank you so much for all your replies. I have re-read every single one. .

I think a poster hit it on the head that I already feel 'fulfilled' and whereas he has a void.

In regards to my own siblings, I could call any of them right now and they'd be there for me and vice versa but we don't speak regularly outside of occasions other than a family WhatsApp where we exchange pictures and sporadic updates.

This is the perfect level of contact for us. There's no hard feelings about it as we know we're there for eachother if needed but don't have reason to speak regularly as nothing in common to speak about.
We'll also do a long weekend away together every other year and do things like help eachother move house or drop off shopping if one of us is ill etc.

With John I believe he has a hollywoodesque view of family like someone else posted.
It may be due to him being an only child that he's built up how siblings are in his head. That siblings are close and regularly hang out and stuff.
He obviously sees other people's children being close to their siblings and wants that for him and his children. But I already have 4 other nieces and nephews that I find difficult to make time for in busy life that I've been close too since their birth. Having his children added on to buy birthday presents for and play 'auntie' just doesn't sit right.
I feel awful for saying it but I don't feel any type of bond to his children like I do my other nieces and nephews.
Even of I've not seen my nieces and nephews for 11 years (due to pandemic), the minute I see them again I'm 100% comfortable I'm my role and will pick up the babies and tell off the older ones if their naughty and be a full on auntie. With John's kids they are essentially strangers kids that I wouldn't of telling off or picking up and swinging around.. and I don't want too.

If he were a female of a similar age to myself with similar hobbies then maybe we would be close and I'd want to speak all the time. But that would be because we have things in common not just dna.

Another thing that rattles me and apologies for my tangent..

If he rings me on Friday and I don't answer then he'll ring me again Sunday and again a few days later. Basically every couple of days until I answer or message him back. It's feels invasive.
Sometimes I'll just answer the phone and force the 30 minute awkward conversation just I know I can then have a few weeks peace with nomore calls.

I personally find that weird of John. If I kept trying to ring someone and they regularly ignored my calls and only answered once every 5 times then I'd get the hint and stop calling. Infact I'd only ring them once and if they don't call me back then I'd send a text and leave it at that.

He also tries to play the 'protective big brother' and 5 years ago when I met my dp he wanted to meet him and was trying to give me brotherly advice on relationships/life as he is a bit older than me. The advice was actually really good practical advice but it still rattled me as I didn't ask him and inside I was thinking 'this isn't your place to advise me, my actual siblings wouldn't say this so why on earth would you'. Which is irrational.

I do feel very ungrateful. I mean a lot to him clearly. He puts in a lot of effort. Recently I was in the hospital for minor surgery and he sent me a big bouquet of flowers and a card which was lovely. But then I felt a little panicked again as its further obligation for me to go along with this relationship.

Aaarghh. I feel a terrible person. I guess I'm just happy with my lot and don't want any further obligations and family pressures.

I think that maintaining already stable family bonds and everyday friendships can be hard enough at times (remembering birthdays, christenings, anniversaries, lunch dates with im-laws etc). So having another family added into the mix when your up to the neck with your own feel suffocating especially when you have nothing in common with them.

Also due to my nature, I can't recieve a birthday card and present and then not send John one back on his birthday, that's just poor manners. So the cycle continues.

It feels invasive - because it is.

I am feeling hounded and overwhelmed just reading how he keeps calling you every few days until you respond - it’s quite controlling.

This is irritating and inappropriate social behavior IMHO.

But you are not allowing yourself to feel or see this - instead you say repress what you honestly feel and declare that you are terrible and ungrateful.

You are not.

He sounds subtly demanding and disrespectful of your boundaries here - which is what your gut is telling you.

You didn’t ask for a huge bunch of flowers - that’s potentially calculated, manipulative and OTT to pitch you into some obligation zone. A bit love-bomby?

Requesting to vet your partner and giving you unsolicited relationship advice again is making my toes curl. Thats really quite over bearing.

Seems that lots of “little” boundary transgressions have built up over the years.

It’s not an organic relationship where the implicit is read by each other and it ebbs and flows and falls into a mutual balanced respectful rhythm.

I would as a be explicit as a PP has suggested - as he isn’t reading the room. If you are worried that he will be offended or angry once you politely state your wishes - then that is telling you something else.

I would decide what level of interaction suits you and then I would break it down and deliver it bit by bit at appropriate times over the year. I would be diplomatic, but not apologetic or give any long winded explanations.

1. Maybe have a present amnesty. “Hey John - have decided that we have too much “stuff” - so I don’t want any birthday or Xmas gifts from now on and I won’t be buying any for others. Trust that’s OK.

2. Decide how much face to face time YOU want to give him - and how. So if once a year meet for Xmas drinks or lunch half way between you then engineer that. If he says I plan to come over in Sept - just say “That won’t work for me, I’m busy (be v vague never give details) - shall we schedule a pre Xmas meet up now instead?” If he keeps pushing just don’t be available.

3. With the phone calls - don’t answer - send a text after the first one to say “Can’t speak right now, got loads on. Will give you a call in a few weeks / end of the month. If he calls again - remind him that you ALREADY said you would call him in a fortnight. Always be the one calling him. So you set the pace and time. Then stretch it out so you are calling once a month / quarter / year - whatever YOU have decided works for you.

I drive across the country to see my sister and she puts my nieces on the phone etc. Don't think this is weird at all. However, I grew up with her.

He is clearly just trying to do normal sibling stuff but it maybe feels weird because you have a dysfunctional relationship wirh current siblings (hence not used to it) and you don't have the history with him.

You do sound a bit miserable though tbh. Feel a bit bad for the guy, whilst accepting I don't know him and he could be annoying as fuck.

Oh so much of this smacks of the OP has to #bekind to this half brother, just because she's female. She doesn't want to!
Why on earth should she be forced to have a relationship closer than she is comfortable with, if she doesn't want to?

@ConfusedSister do what you feel comfortable with. No more. You owe him nothing more than that.

I completely get this, I'm having the same issue with my real father . Had nothing to do with him for the last 50 years but he found me on FB and bombards me with messages and photos. Tbh I really couldn't care less . I have an amazing stepdad who has been there since I was a child and is my kids grandad....but my real dad keeps on pushing for a non existent relationship. I would go low contact with your brother, gently retract communication and he'll get the message. It's hard but if your not comfortable with the situation don't carry on, as you are