Disrespectful kids... has anyone to turned it around?

[TigersandTeddybears]

My kids seem to think I'm their slave and talk to me like crap. Is this reversible? Has anyone managed to turn around their disrespectful kids or will they inevitably turn into horrible teenagers and adults too?

How old are they?

How are they disrespectful?

Are you their only parent?

What privelidges do they have?

What methods have you tried?

Why do you think it's got to this stage?

What @DonLewis said.

They presumably haven't just started doing it out of the blue?

Following

Sorry for me it just got worse.

Initially I thought they were like it because they saw their dad talking to me like crap (abusive relationship) but he's been absent a few years now and they are still very disrespectful and rude to me. Not at school though, or in other environments. just with me.

Of course it is reversible, but you will need to be very consistent.
Depending on their age, call a family meeting having decided what you are going to say first. Pick 2 or 3 things that need to be improved immediately, explain the new procedures and the reasons for it , and write the rules down and put them where they can see them.
So there is no possibility of them being able to claim they didn't understand/ forgot.
In school, they will be used to making posters with classroom rules etc, and if they are primary school age they will understand how this works.
So you could have: talking respectfully, taking responsibility for own rooms/clearing table/food prep and so on.
Without knowing their ages it's hard to be specific, but there is no reason why you should feel like a slave. Would you like to tell us more?

To be honest, they are behaving like that because you allow it. Age is immaterial.

Children (actually people) do tend to be meanest to those they love most because they can take out stresses and disappointments knowing your love is unconditional. Regardless of what they say, you will forgive them and love them still. It’s actually a compliment- but that doesn’t make it something you must accept.

Don’t go overboard with ever increasing sanctions, but model respectful speech and kindness. Step in as soon as someone says something rude and simply say it’s not an acceptable way to speak to you. No martyrdom about cooking suppers or giving lifts etc Just straightforward, “That is not a good way to speak to me. Don’t do it please”.
Stop whatever you are doing for them at the time until they apologise. If their supper goes cold, so be it. No angst, no emotional blackmail.
They’ll learn quickly enough.

What @LemonRoses said!
You are the adult! Be firm, be consistent! Let them carry on like this and they will be vile teens!
I only have to say to my kids " Who do you think you're talking to?" and they back off!

Without getting angry, just make it calmly crystal clear that rudeness will result in your no longer doing X, Y or Z for them, or giving them ditto, whatever.

But you absolutely must stick to it. No giving in because they kick off. Not even ‘just this once for the sake of P and Q’.

It wasn’t rudeness as such, but I used to be reduced to helpless frustration when a very good friend - after having said no to something umpteen times because of bad behaviour - would finally, inevitably give in after her dd had screamed and roared for 15 minutes.
The child would then wear an instant, triumphant beam - ‘I’ve won yet again!’

Initially I thought they were like it because they saw their dad talking to me like crap (abusive relationship) but he's been absent a few years now and they are still very disrespectful and rude to me. Not at school though, or in other environments. just with me.

You are probably right that witnessing domestic abuse was the start of this. The trauma and behaviour doesn't go away with the situation sadly.

Secondly you are allowing this. You need to do a parenting programme like Triple P to get some strategies for consistent parenting. Them being rude, you yelling won't work.

They need a lot of love and support to overcome their past and very consistent and good parenting now otherwise it will only get worse.

half of my kids' allowance is tied to how they speak to me ...lockdown made it harder last year and I just had enough - it has worked very well but some days everyone reverts and they lose the money for it

I have tried being more strict on it the last couple of days and actually seen an improvement. So fingers crossed we are moving in the right direction.