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Original poster

To be angry with my friend for not engaging

22 replies

multipleorigins · 23/07/2021 04:08

I am friends with an ex boyfriend.

We always spent a lot of time together and had a bit of a FWB thing going on for a while. We equally were genuinely really good friends too, always kept in touch a ton and were quite involved in each other's lives. Even when I was dating someone, we still remained good friends.

Recently he's just been quiet. Hard to pin down to make plans with, replies to my messages sparingly, stopped proactively reaching out.

I asked him if there was an issue and he said there wasn't at all, but I'm finding this very hurtful. Trying to engage him in a chat is like pulling teeth at the moment. He will actively just ignore me sometimes. It's totally out of character.

I'm not sure what the best approach is here, especially as he isn't a very open person.

I'm really quite upset by it. I wonder if perhaps he's met someone and is pulling away? Maybe he just doesn't want to be friends anymore. I've asked both questions and he's said no on both counts.

Either way I am really frustrated and want to get to the bottom of it, but I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall when I try to engage with him.

OP posts:
TheUnexpectedPickle · 23/07/2021 04:11

I'd imagine he has a girlfriend and either she is not comfortable with your closeness or he thinks its inappropriate.

Sounds like he is trying not to hurt you by just saying that, but is inadvertently hurting you by being so vague.

Leave him be for a while, friendships should be 2 way.

Original poster
multipleorigins · 23/07/2021 04:13

@TheUnexpectedPickle

I'd imagine he has a girlfriend and either she is not comfortable with your closeness or he thinks its inappropriate.

Sounds like he is trying not to hurt you by just saying that, but is inadvertently hurting you by being so vague.

Leave him be for a while, friendships should be 2 way.

He absolutely swears blind he doesn't!
OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2021 04:13

I wonder if perhaps he's met someone and is pulling away? Maybe he just doesn't want to be friends anymore.

I would bet my house this is what has happened, and I also believe your friendship with him was very one sided. He wanted to be more than friends, he took what he could get when you were sleeping together, but has now moved on realising the two of you are not getting back together. I would just leave him alone, and if he tries to crawl back for another sham, ignore him.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2021 04:14

He absolutely swears blind he doesn't!

Come on now, don't be so naive. He wants to keep you on the back burner.

Newestname001 · 23/07/2021 04:31

He absolutely swears blind he doesn't!

Sorry, @multipleorigins - a new girlfriend is the first thing I thought. 🌹

ChaosMoon · 23/07/2021 04:47

It sounds like you stopped calling yourselves boyfriend and girlfriend but you never actually split up.

So, he could be seeing someone else; he could have always wanted more and, realising he's not going to get it, be trying to protect himself; or maybe he's just moving on from the friendship. Either way, you now have to process the breakdown of the relationship all over again, plus the potential loss of the friendship.

As hard as it's going to be, it sounds like space is the very thing you need, even though it hurts.

onelittlefrog · 23/07/2021 04:59

You've gone from partner to FWB to friend with this guy. I'm wondering what the timescale has been for all of this? Also who initiated the break up?

Perhaps this slight increase in distance is just the next step for him int his sequence. He might not even be doing it consciously but might just seem further away than he used to.

It is very hard to move from a relationship into a platonic friendship. You may find the distance just grows and you have less to talk about as you are less involved in one another's lives - that's natural and to be expected.

If he has become bit distant and either hasn't told you why, or perhaps doesn't himself know why, then all you can really do is let him and go with the flow. Just back off, allow him to do what he needs to do and see if he comes back over time.

nicecheesegromit · 23/07/2021 05:54

He's obviously struggling with the arrangement you have, for whatever reason. I think you need to take the hint and back off a bit. He doesn't have to tell you what's bothering him if he doesn't want to. I would also question your motives for this friendship- do you like the attention in the absence of a real partner? I

Pingued · 23/07/2021 05:58

Sounds like he might be reassessing your relationship. Just give him some space and see what happens.

Wjevtvha · 23/07/2021 06:05

I read that and rather than assume he has a girlfriend thought that maybe he’s got a lot going on his life amd/or is depressed and just doesn’t want to talk. It’s not necessarily about you and he might just need space

TheUnexpectedPickle · 23/07/2021 06:16

Agree with @Aquamarine1029. He's keeping you as back up just in case.

You deserve better than that and that is not a true friend.

You, lady, are NO ONES back up plan Flowers

Original poster
multipleorigins · 23/07/2021 06:30

He seems absolutely adamant he's not met anyone else, but unprepared to really explain what's going on. Possibly he's not even aware of it. It's sad to think it may have run its course but equally I should probably try not to force something.

OP posts:
Pingued · 23/07/2021 06:38

It might not be that he's met someone else but that he isn't happy with the current arrangement and thinks he might want to meet someone else. What would you do if it was any other friend and they weren't responding as much as they used to? If probably assume it had just faded out a bit and as long as they'd said they were OK not contact them for a bit.

MadameMonk · 23/07/2021 06:40

Whatever his motivations, sounds like you’ve asked him enough times about it.

I strongly suggest step back (fully) with your communications towards him. Let him miss you, work through his stuff, whatever.

Let him contact you…then leave it a couple of weeks after he does before responding. Be cool and casual. Take the whole thing back to ‘acquaintance’ level conversation for a while. Breezy.

It’s not so much game-playing as resetting the dynamic.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 23/07/2021 06:41

So someone your not romantically involved with whom you know is not a very open person isn't being open with you and you want to get the the bottom of it?

This is easy, he isn't an open person and doesn't want to explain himself to someone. His right. You are not romantically involved with each other. So he doesn't have to.

Move on. You're not his girlfriend. He may explain himself when he feels ready or never at all. Don't over invest.

HerMammy · 23/07/2021 07:29

You sound a overbearing, you’re not a couple yet you’re insistent in contacting him, demanding answers, leave the guy alone and take the hint.

Original poster
multipleorigins · 23/07/2021 08:45

@chocolateorangeinhaler

So someone your not romantically involved with whom you know is not a very open person isn't being open with you and you want to get the the bottom of it?

This is easy, he isn't an open person and doesn't want to explain himself to someone. His right. You are not romantically involved with each other. So he doesn't have to.

Move on. You're not his girlfriend. He may explain himself when he feels ready or never at all. Don't over invest.

This is depressing but very fair. We've had a bit of a codependence for a couple of years and I guess that eventually these things run their course.
OP posts:
PleasurePrinciple · 23/07/2021 08:49

I withdraw from contact with friends if I’m overwhelmed by life events I don’t necessarily want to talk about. I wouldn’t appreciate being repeatedly asked my I wasn’t in more regular contact.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 23/07/2021 08:54

You sound like a hard work friend. What do you want from him, to boost your ego? To know that he is there if you don't get another option? To keep him hanging?
If a women posted about a man behaving like this there would be a field of 🚩.

You can't bully an answer out of him, I also suspect he was hoping for more and now refuses the crumbs that you throw at him.

KatherineJaneway · 23/07/2021 09:48

You've gone from partner to FWB to friend with this guy. I'm wondering what the timescale has been for all of this?

I wonder this too.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 23/07/2021 09:50

Just back off. Stop chasing him up. If he can't be arsed then let it go.

youdoyoutoday · 23/07/2021 10:09

Please stop making a fool of yourself over someone who thinks you're good enough to shag but not good enough to actually be in a relationship with!!
All you are doing is closing yourself off to a fresh start with someone who does think you are worth their time.

Disengage asap!!

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