I've come to realise this about...

[justeatavocado]

My mil.

Yes - it's another MIL thread 🤦🏻‍♀️

I'm really getting bothered by the passive aggressiveness and the like.

She is to everyone, the most wonderful woman. The most thoughtful, generous person. Which she is, however over the years, I've come to learn it's a form of control.

Examples - being a young mum, buying all the formula milk without even talking to me, when baby arrived, staying over and pushing formula saying baby was starving (me being young and dumb agreeing to everything) then taking my day old overnight. In what world is this okay? (I look back at this with such anger if I'm honest)

Buying all my kids clothes another classic example and dictating what they wear then they visit. Lots of passive aggressive comments if they see her wearing something I've bought!! Im made to feel guilty for buying my kids anything! Literally I'm given lists of the clothes SHE wants! I just used to go along with it as I thought it was very generous.....now Im older and got a backbone I think wtf!!!!

Constant passive aggressive comments does my nut in...She lived with us recently for a period of 5 months, when her house was getting renovated and since she has left us, I just come to realise I felt utterly suffocated by the woman. I hated every moment of it, she used to undermine me constantly with reversing my decision on say a snack, I would say no, she would say yes! Also comment on my decisions of my cleaning routines/

Is this typical? Its just taken me years to realise this. It's an odd atmosphere now she has moved back home, I feel like it's ruined our relationship, or maybe I've just not got over her living with us and will get better with time.

Does anyone else have this type of mil?

There's nothing passive about that!

Ha I know when I read it back to myself 😖

YANBU. She sounds absolutely awful. Stand your ground with your new backbone!

Wow. Thank you.

You end up feeling awful and guilty because she is "so kind"

She don't like this new backbone of mine, hence the odd atmosphere even though nothing has actually happened. But I know o will be classed as "rude" for saying no etc.

I feel clarity!

Oh and not forgetting the game of "who will baby come too?!"

She used to relish in my firstborn always going to her. Used to make me feel so sad. Would actively force the game.

The worst one was "let the baby cry - you will spoil it" one evening and then when I do that (bearing in mind I'm very young) goes rushing to baby and is the saviour! That one is always one to remember!!

Lucky my husband is amazing and agrees with me!

I honestly feel like she stole the bond from my firstborns early years. Lucky now we have a fabulous bond!

It's funny because as I type this, I keep remembering more and more. But honeslty to anyone else, she is the most beautiful, generous, thoughtful person ever on this planet!

☹️

Never seeing her again is not an overreaction.

I have absolutely no experience hence no advice as I've never experienced it. Reading your thread has hit one of my nerves..... what utter selfish & contrived behaviour. Embrace yourself, break that spell and push the F back. Still can't get my head around the running to your crying baby...disgusting beyond words. Good luck in your quest for continued bonding with your children.

Thank you @HopelesslyOptimistic

It happened a few years ago now but I remember at the time (I was only 17) crying my eyes out in bed as she cradled and soothed my baby after telling me I shouldn't do that.

That or taking my day old baby for a sleepover. Don't know what's worse tbh.

WTF this person was literally trying to steal your babies.

She's nuts.

Omg. This person is insane. I would never see her again!

I mean, I think the posters here are not being very helpful to you OP. Obviously you are going to have to see her again as she is related to your DH and children. HOWEVER you now get to dictate the terms. I think the atmosphere between you will blow over eventually. For the mean time just be pleasant and firm and I’m sure she will come around

@justeatavocado

Thank you *@HopelesslyOptimistic*

It happened a few years ago now but I remember at the time (I was only 17) crying my eyes out in bed as she cradled and soothed my baby after telling me I shouldn't do that.

That or taking my day old baby for a sleepover. Don't know what's worse tbh.

Hideous and you were so so young. I would be keeping a very close eye on her & make sure this deep rooted behaviour doesn't influence your children now & in the future. So pleased to hear your partner is firmly by your side.

Thank you for the replies I appreciate it, I really do.

I find myself getting worked up as I'm doing mundane things recently - probably because of my utter lack of any authority/vulnerability at the time and the recent living together situation has intensified things.

Your right, I'm hoping the weird vibe will blow over, she just makes me feel like shit as a parent.

A very recent last couple of days scenario, asking my child (who had me on loudspeaker) what I had bought for their teacher and practically scoffing that I only got a £20 voucher, + personalized card etc. Is that not enough? Should I have put more? Then cue me feeling bad ffs.

Thank you for taking the time to read my rant :)

The missing link in your posts is your DH, her son. Where is he in standing up for you, providing a buffer do you don’t have to endure this?

Sorry to hear about those early newborn days it’s sad to read, and you clearly still find it very understandably upsetting.

If you’d your baby at 17, is your MIL stills relatively young woman? You need to assert yourself to avoid further decades of this judgyness and spiteful commentary.

@Holly60 she doesn’t “have” to do anything, it’s up to her what she does

@OliviaNewtAndJohn

My husband was young at the time and don't think he knew any better either, however always sticks up for me/stands my ground/ is brilliant in that way now hence not really commenting on him :)

Thank you, :) yes, she stole those early first moments and it really upsets me when I think about it. I remember my mum saying what on earth is she doing/that is so wrong. She tried doing it with my subsequent children but failed. She didn't like that! Always commenting on my breastfeeding, pushing bottles etc,

Thanks for reading :)