In-laws causing issues

[Turnip11]

I’m unsure how to handle the situation we have with my in laws at the moment. Our little boy is an ivf baby and it took us 4 years, 5 attempts and a miscarriage before we finally got lucky so he’s obviously very precious to us. My mother and father in law don’t have any other grand children and it’s likely he will be the only one but their behaviour since he’s arrived has shocked me. We’ve always got on really well and we used to see them almost daily and we were really close. They are both smokers and whilst I was pregnant the wouldn’t smoke near me and we had explained that when the baby arrived we couldn’t take him in their house because they smoke in there and if they wanted to hold him we would follow the nhs advice. They said they would do whatever it takes and said they were stopping smoking in the house and would quit before the baby arrived because they had an incentive to stop. Any way baby arrived and they have completely changed. They have been lying about smoking and have even been sparkling up in my garden with the baby there! (I left and took the baby with me!) they told us that they have been smoking in the house after promising they hadn’t when the baby had already been in there. They also keep saying that they will only be interested in the baby when he can walk and keep coming up with excuses not to see him then complaining to anyone who will listen that they don’t see him and that it’s all my fault because I don’t like them! All I have done is asked them not to smoke near the baby to keep him safe and they have caused no end of trouble. It’s causing problems with me and my husband now because we are arguing about it all the time. The only time my MIL has held the baby was when we were at a family bbq when he was 10 days old and she got fed up when she was finished parading him about like a trophy. As soon as she got hold of him she said “you can go now I’ve got him. Go away!” And I am breastfeeding and she said “when are you going to let him be bottle fed so his dad can bond with him” as if I’m being selfish she hasn’t seen the amazing bond he has with his dad because as she has said she only likes them when they’re toddling. I don’t know what to do now and it’s just getting worse 😢 they are saying that they don’t feel welcome at our house (because I’ve said that they can’t smoke here) and that I don’t like them and that’s why they can’t smoke here?!? all I have asked is for them to be honest about smoking so we can keep the baby safe. They have refused offers to see the baby more than they have actually seen him. My SIL has now got involved and she thinks that it’s fine for them to smoke near the baby because they smoked near her DOG and that was fine so why should it be different for the baby and that I am being over the top asking them not to!!

Your husband needs to step up to the plate and tell them where to get off. He needs to back you up and clarify that NEITHER of you like smoking around the baby.
Your DH is surprisingly absent from your post. It's like you are having to deal with it on your own.
Make it his problem and keep making it his problem, because it is his problem that his parents are a pair of selfish gits who value nothing in their lives unless they can smoke while they do it.

YANBU and I say that as an ex-smoker. In fact, I would say the majority of smokers in your PILs position would honour what you have asked.

It’s like you have met them 😂 my husband is brilliant and he is trying to deal with it but they keep turning it round on me saying it’s because I don’t like them!

You need to cut them out of your baby's life completely I'm afraid. If that means the end of your marriage then so be it! Your baby's health MUST come first, no matter the consequences.

Don't let their words get to you in the meantime. Water off a ducks back

I'm a lifelong non smoker, and any of my friends who used to smoke, now don't. They realise how harmful it is and really there's no logical reason to smoke. It's expensive, antisocial and harmful to the smoker and anyone who comes into contact with them. It makes their clothes and hair stink. Maybe you need to sit down and explain all this to the ILs? It's nothing to do with whether you like them or not.

Just tell them that at this stage you don't really care what they think. Let them think you don't like them. At least that way they won't call to your house as often. They sound like selfish, inconsiderate arseholes and shouldn't be around your baby reeking of disgusting cigarette smoke. As for SIL tell her to fuck off, comparing your child to her dog.

I agree that a child is not a dog but I 'd be FURIOUS if anybody smoked around my dog....or me for that matter.

PS I wouldn't be asking them not to smoke either, I would be TELLING them

I don’t like ANYONE who puts my child’s health and well being at risk.

They sound horrible and selfish. The bottle thing is rude as well. It's none of their business

And so ignorant about the smoking

Your SIL is a flying monkey and a BITCH. You must actually ask the whole lot to fuck off until they behave.

Your DH has to tell his sister and his parents that HE doesn't want his child anywhere near smokers or in places where smoke is impregnated into the furniture, walls etc. You take a back seat and carry on protecting your child.

YANBU. We didn’t take DCs 1 and 2 to the in-laws until they’d turned 1, and then on the agreement that they would not smoke inside on that day before we arrived. MIL never understood it as ‘everyone smoked around my kids and they were fine’, DH went mad at her explaining he quit when I was pregnant, so why would he want someone else smoking around his child. FIL has had smoking related cancer twice as well, and they just don’t see the problem

She still doesn’t get it now, but with DC2 it wasn’t an issue that came up again (born in lockdown). I’m pregnant with DC3 now and because SIL has never had an issue taking her DC there she’s just sweeping the whole issue under the rug again. I’m expecting her to be moaning to DH again when DC3 is born, but fortunately he’s more strict on it that I am.

I used to hate them holding DC as babies knowing they stank of smoke and the baby would after, fortunately they’re not that interested in seeing them more than once every few weeks.

You just both have to be firm on it, eventually they will get used to it. And point out to you SIL that smoking around dogs affects them in the same way, so she’s only risking her dogs health, it increases their risk of lung cancer just the same as a human.

I would be furious too, even if it was my dog (not that they would get away with it because my dog barks at people smoking!)

You would be well within your rights not to like them and to make them completely unwelcome in your home. They are prioritising cigarettes over their own grandchild. I had a grandparent like that when I was a child and I hated visiting him. The smell was horrible and his walls were yellow from it. You need to nip this in the bud now, and if they want to continue being selfish and childish about it I would suggest limiting contact. Your longed-for child is who comes first in this situation and if your Inlaws can't see that then they aren't worthy of the title grandparent.

YANBU. Years ago, my ex and I would go to his parents house every Saturday for around 90 minutes… His mother, brother-in-law and sister-in-law would all sit there puffing away for the entire duration. It got to the point where I said to him, I can’t do this anymore, I’m coming out of their house feeling sick and having to undress and wash my hair as soon as I get back home. I can’t imagine what it would do to little baby lungs.

I'm an expert smoker I couidnt stand and smoke and watch small dc esp babies inhaling my smoke, I couldn't enjoy it!

YANBU - I wouldn't let anyone that had been near smoke near my child let alone my tiny baby.

DP would very occasionally socially smoke when he was out with the boys. I told him when we were TTC that if he ever touched a cigarette once I was pregnant or after he'd be out on his arse, and I meant it. He never ever has and actively moves away from anyone that is smoking.

Anyways, your DH backs you up & sorts them out or he can pack up his bag as well. This is his child, it is his job to protect them at any cost.

Disgusting behaviour, definitely get DH to speak to them and firmly reiterate that BOTH of you don’t want baby around anyone who smokes due to lots of evidence about the dangers of it for little ones and their sensitive lungs. And when they don’t listen (because let’s face it, that sounds likely) bin the lot of them. Selfish fuckers!

As a side note, we took DD out to a restaurant a while back at 11m old and were sitting outside eating, a (tbh quite rough looking) guy was the only other one sat there and he was on his phone not looking up. He started smoking later on which we ignored as we were outside and he wasn’t so close anyway. But he soon looked up, realised we had a baby, stamped it out and came and apologised. He told us he hadn’t realised we had a baby with us and kept saying sorry he wouldn’t have done it if he had known. I thought it was so kind of him. If a stranger would feel that way about our almost toddler then why tolerate this nonsense from your in laws about your tiny precious newborn!!

Yeah I'd say "No, I don't like you. Because you are deliberately exposing my baby to second hand smoke despite telling me yourself that you know its dangerous."

Fuck them , your kids health is more important than their feelings.