How do you "find" yourself?

[Brightlightbulb]

I'm 46 and financially sound due to a recent inheritance.

I have spent my whole life devoted to supporting everyone around me. I have brought up my son by myself, I have no family. I have had 3 long term relationships where they all have had either 3 or 4 kids when I met them and I have spent my time looking after everyone else's kids whilst simultaneously not feeling I had support for my own. I have worked too and supported myself and my son throughout. I have never really had a "career" although I did pay to get some professional qualifications in the job I do (but don't really enjoy).

I have always been a bit of a doormat. My self esteem is really low and that is why I have tried and tried to do so much for everyone in the hope of getting a smidgen back. In my home life, work life and in a lot of "friendships" too.

I am always the one that people put on because they think I don't mind and I always just try my best and treat others as I would like to be treated. The reality is that my efforts are at best ignored and at worst taken for granted and I end up feeling resentful.

I don't intend for this post to be a pity party. I am self aware and having got some time to myself for once, it has become a very strong realisation that it is time to do what I want to do now (my son is grown up). But when you devote your whole life to what everyone else wants, I am literally left not knowing who I am or what I want.

I do have hobbies, I still do some work and I do have some good friends. I need to build on that. Doing the gardening and reading just isn't going to cut it for me. I go away for the odd weekend on my own and in some ways, I'm not scared of doing new things but in other ways, I am frightened of not being good enough (have thought of starting up my own business).

I am so used to being super busy, I just feel the urge to do even more for everyone else to fill that void. I know that isn't the answer and I don't want to feel even more resentful.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

From your post it sounds like you need a holiday (longer than a weekend) and not one filled with excursions and day outs and things to do, just a relaxing, chilled out holiday. If you give your brain a rest you might find it more easier to collect your thoughts and have a think about what it is you would like to do in the future.

And remember, you are a person in your own right and you are allowed to say no to things when people ask.

Some counselling?

What do you want to do? You've written a lot about what you don't want but you need to think what brings you happiness now. So not gardening or reading - what about studying? Travel? Volunteering?

Having a similar issue re who i am after busying myself with other peoples lives. A few sessions of counselling helped. Also making a list of what your "ideal self" looks like. So what your relationships are like, your skills, qualities, career, appearance, finances. Then deciding what actions you can take to achieve them. Boundaries are crucial so for me it was defining what they are to protect me. I keep looking at it to keep me on track

I agree with thinking about what an ideal life looks like, for you. Is the business something that you are passionate about? I think as we age it's important to find real interests. For me it was weightlifting and theatre. Combined with my grandchildren and family stuff, I'm content with my life. I've recently got into a relationship as well.

I'm not passionate about anything really! I'm too self doubting to have the drive to push through it. There a definetely things I like - health and fitness being one thing, but not so much that I could have the confidence to make it into a career or even a passion.

Anything I like always seems to have the self imposed obstacles I put up because I am frightenened of not being able to stand up for myself.

Anything that involves me having to put in boundaries frightens me, which lets face it, is pretty much everything!

Maybe I need to look at counselling again - I have had several sessions over the years.

Go to counselling OP. Invest in yourself, money well spent

Have you thought about a spiritual retreat. May include yoga, satsang and meditation classes.

Figuring out what made me tick and what I wanted to do for a career is something I struggled with for years and went round in circles - I just didn't know how to even start figuring it out. And then, once I had, working past fear and confidence issues was the next barrier.

I'd actually recommend a coach rather than a counsellor. Counselling looks at your past to understand and manage your present whereas coaching looks at your present to help you design your future. There are loads of different types of coaches and they can either help across a range of things or be more specialised in one subject (eg. life coaches might support across a range of areas, career coaches might focus specifically on work, mindset coaches help with things like confidence, moving past limiting beliefs or fear of judgement; health coaches relationship coaches, business coaches and so on). Perhaps find and follow some on social media like Instagram for a while and get a feel for them then get in touch if you like them - most offer a free intro call so you can see if you'd be a good fit to work together.