WARNING LONG RANT - for not wanting to take 3 small children to family wedding where kids are discouraged.. except ours apparently ?!?

[cjsausie]

My BIL2 is getting married in Italy next year and is going to be a classy two night do full of child free city type folk... We have DS 5 DD1 3 and DD2 18months and thought as they said they would be welcome that all would be ok - well as ok as travelling to a wedding with small children can be! When we first heard about wedding Dh and I suggested to mil/pil bil1 and sil the possibility of family holiday after wedding. This seemed a good idea at the time but one born out of a sense of duty and ulterior motive...we thought we could then avoid having IL visiting us this year (they live SA) and have for past 10 years given us between 3days and 3 weeks notice of their arrival - their visits always a nightmare as none of us particularly get on and they don't lift a finger.Anyway after villa was prov booked (by me all - research and organising) they decided to come here for 2 weeks in november anyway Total ordeal from which i and DH haven't fully recovered.During their visit i was really tired and felt fluey but thought just stress turns out after several blood tests have some sort of hepatitis - still getting lots of tests and hosp appts . All this on top of a hard year emotionally for us and last thing i can be bothered to think about is holiday plans. I was under impression as is 6 months away and nothing confirmed or paid for that all still in planning stage and as was me doing all planning was not too worried. BIl2 tells us details of wedding that children apart from ours are discouraged and during meal and party ours will be in a separate room with a hired babysitter (no beds as no accommodation at reception venue) Obvoiusly i not too happy with this and know would be impossible as ours go to bed 7pm and never been left with stranger before so DH and i thouhgt instead of going and spending 2K on week holiday to have me go back to hotle room with kids on my own 2 nights in row that we could just leave the kids at home (my parents to come to babysit) and we have weekend in Itlay just 2 of us .
Mentioned we were thinking this to Mil an Sil and all hell broke loose as they have (unbeknownst to me ) have already booked flights.
Now i know IS MY FAULT for suggesting damn holiday in first place and know it will cause some change of plans for them but as Sil coming from Oz and inlaws from SA they were always going to stay fro longer than the wedding weekend anyway.
DH is not close to his family anyway (only BiL2 and he getting married) and we both find them loud arrogant and racist. I really don't want to spend all that money on our first holiday abroad in 3 years only to drag kids to a wedding were they are not with us and then to spend a week with Dh family who drive us crazy.
Help - if you all haven't nodded off or lost the thread by now i feel backed into a corner and don't know what to do...
DH and i have rowed about it all last night cos he got it in the neck from his M

They shouldn't have booked the flights without asking you!

Their loss really

I think it is a really good idea to leave dcs at home if you can though I can see that they might feel miffed having organised a special babsitter, room etc maybe?

As you say it is 6 months away, it is up to you if you take the dcs. Sod em

Weddings are always contentious but I would be absolutely livid/murderous if my children were invited to a wedding to be then stuck in a separate room with a babysitter. They are either invited or not, and I read this as they are actually not invited - they are merely being accomodated. On one hand at least your BIL wants you both there, but they should have consulted you first.

Give it a week for things to calm down and hopefully things will be more clear. Even 6 months out flights can be changed.

I wouldn't feel comfortable taking the children if others are not welcome. I can understand why your dh's family are upset that you have changed the plans but as you said they would be staying for longer wheter you were or not due to the fact they have to travel so far.

I really don't know what i would do!

I would be extremley pised off if we were invited to a wedding with our kids and then found out that I was expected to leave them with some random person they nor I have ever met before, not a hope in hell.

Just ignore, if you want to go to wedding, do what you planned to do and leave kids with your parents, tough luck if they booked you flights, no business doing that without checking with you.

You do not have to please anyone except yourself, about time you put your footdown with the in-laws as they seem to be taking liberties, do what is right for your family, maybe its time you stood up to them, nows your chance

So if I've got this straight, you had been discussing with your inlaws how you could best accomodate your BIL's wedding and a family holiday this year and they have attempted to railroad you into making the decision which best suits them, by booking flights and making arrangements for your kids at the wedding without even consulting you? Well how bloody dare they? How absolutely bloody dare they decide where and when you are going on holiday and what you are to do with your children.

If it were me I would decide with your DP what you want to do, what best suits you and your children. Then I would call the inlaws and say that you're very sorry they have misunderstood the situation but actually the arrangements they have made are not acceptable and what you have decided to do is X.

And who the hell is this babysitter they have selected as suitable for taking care of your 3 very small children?

What a predicament.

If it were me I would now take a big step backwards and tell hubby "your family, you organise everything" and in future I would leave everything to do with OH s family to him.

God thanks - was starting to feel like i was the unreasonable one wish i didn't feel so guilty and selfish though...
Talktothebees - it was actually me and Dh suggested holiday and prov booked a place for us all so do see that they are a bit pissed but i did do / would have done all the organising as they are so lazy disorganised and indecisive.
I don't think changing our plans with 6 months notice is too inconvenient - i have had to change flights before and have lost a deposit but is hardly a huge amount.
just wish DH would be a bit less annoyed with me - he cross that i spoke to MiL and SiL even though we had discussed it and as i had done all the corresponding anyway (men!)didn't think it would cause such a fuss. I didn't purposely try to piss people off just want to do something for me for a change..
And although i am not happy about kiddie arrangemnets at the wedding don't feel upset with BiL and future Sil as they don't have kids or realy know anyone with kids so people just have no idea really - though this will make you laugh BiL suggested to keep kids occuppied in the other room that we bring them a favourite toy or blankey! as if we need telling and as if they are dogs or something!!!

I just wouldn't go to the wedding at all after all that.

got a bit het up on your behalf there didn't I? I was just imagining how I would feel if it were me. Though, as you can imagine following my rant, people tend NOT to make decisions concerning my life without asking me very carefully first.

There is absolutely no way I would leave a child with a babysitter hired by someone else in a foreign country

Unfortunately, it seems that BIL2 has tried to accomodate your family by allowing your children to come when nobody else's children can come and has thought to hire a baby sitter. From his perspective, he probably has tried to be really thoughtful. But he really should have spoken to you first about the arrangements for your children (if he has not got his own kids, he may not realise?).

What I would do personally is to leave your kids in the UK with your parents. I would go to the wedding with DH just for the 2 days, not the holiday. I would offer to pay the cancellation fee for the babysitter and the babysitting room (in the hope that it would not be much or it could be reallocated for an alternative purpose or the cost swallowed in the general wedding bill). Would see if you can amend yours and DH flight to be just for the 2 days. Find out how much the cancellation fee for the 3 DCs flights are and see if either you can cover this cost or if their seats can have the names changed to those of other guests. Surely there must be more people needing flights who have not booked them?

Would say to them that you are aware it was your suggestion for a family holiday, but since then you have got ill and you'll use the wedding as a break just for you and DH? Be careful of using money as an excuse not to go as somebody may cover the expense for you and expect you to bring the kids. I wouldn't bring money into it personally, try and just say you'd enjoy it better just you and DH and the kids would be more settled with your parents in the UK - this will be a little holiday for them as well.

I am sorry, what a nightmare. Since they've booked the flights,(and from the sound of it, it's quite unusual to plan that far in advance???) then maybe they can sort out their own Italian holiday? You can pass on your research and tell them to get on with it.

It was a nice suggestion and i can understand if they are disappointed but they do not need to be rude. You're just looking out for your kids! You're not in the wrong and frankly you need to look after yourself as well!!!