To still feel hurt about parental relationship at 45?

[checkedcloth]

Just that really.

Very distant relationship with my parents. We speak to each other about once a month, always initiated by me. My mother claims to miss my kids, tells all her friends how much we all mean to her but none of this translates into anything we see.

I’m front line NHS nurse, clearly work has been very challenging. I can’t recall the last time she genuinely asked me how I am. My mum never worked and I know that can’t identify with my life if juggling childcare, work etc.

Worst still I am an only child, so it’s not as if there is just a more favoured sibling. Really, they just are not interested in me at all.

Why does this still hurt so much at the age of 45? My kids are growing up, I’m trying to respond to them continuously as they grow older and need something differing from me and our relationship.

When will I just get over the fact that I don’t have this myself?

You won't...and it sucks but you won't make the same mistake

Unfortunately you’ll never get over it, it will always linger in your mind. My relationship with my mum was similar and even after her she passed away it hurts and the questions remain. I can rationalise her behaviour and make excuses for her but it doesn’t take away the pain.

And I never anticipated just how more alone I would feel after her death despite our complicated relationship. I thought there might be a release when in fact there’s a lot of regret.

I'm in the same boat. Haven't seen them for 18 months and yet they make out we're really close to my grandmother. They've moved so are further away and drive by our house on a five hour journey and never stop off to say hi. I find it so difficult. Days like Christmas etc are really hard for me. Wish I could just shrug it off.

You won't get over it.

But you will learn to accept that you are not at fault here, that this is an issue with them not you, that you have not done anything wrong and deserve to be loved. That love will just come from somewhere else.

It's hard. It's extremely hard. Especially at special times / events. But hold your head up high and know that you are not the problem here, they are. And that is sad for them.

Thank you both for your replies. @4vrBubbles I’m sorry to hear you feel very similar.

She portrays this ‘family first’ image to others which I find so infuriating. She really invests in other relationships, such as her friends and her friends daughters. They get lots of thoughtful messages etc.

However, there is a lot of very child like behaviours from her. If I was to tell her how this makes me feel then all hell would break loose. She’d essentially suggest I was being so hurtful, my dad would tell me that I have ‘made her ill’

A few years ago she accidentally sent me a text that was meant for someone else, with not particularly kind comments about me.

I had to endure a whole program of her (via my dad) saying how much this had upset her, she was devestated.

I’m finding it impossible to let it go.

My father is like this. I see it as his loss. I’m a pretty decent person despite him and the effect he could have had on me because I know he’s wrong in so many aspects. He’s never taken the time to get to know me, listen to and respect my opinions/thoughts/feelings because he’s too wrapped up in himself. Some things, I can forgive or forget because he’s the product of his own upbringing and I accept that. Others, have shown he’s weak, selfish and self centred, lacking in thought and retrospection.

He won’t change so I chose to change how I reacted. I don’t share very much with him because I’ll never get the response I want (and believe I deserve). I don’t expect anything from him for the same reasons as above.

I got past hating him to a place of indifference - he’s more like an older, distant relative we see 2-3 times a year.

He may have fathered me but he’s never been a father to me.

I’m sorry to hear it. My parents are the same, with a bit of extra sibling inequality thrown in. (Fortunately I get on well with her and so this stings less).
I’m only really getting over it now that they are so old that I know they will never be able to comprehend who I am and what my life is like. Occasionally I think about my mum and feel genuinely gutted that I will never have had a chance to be with a mother who cares about me the way I care about my children. What if she had taken me out for a day for a treat to spend time together? What if she had once said - here’s some money, get something nice for you! Hasn’t ever happened.
I don’t read poetry and I haven’t tried writing it since I was at school but a few months back I was unable to sleep feeling sad about all of this, and so I wrote a poem about it instead. I found it incredibly cathartic and I can honestly say I feel much better which is a bit weird now that I think about it. I have never tried to write a poem before but something about the effort of trying to put it all into words that rhyme every so often helped me to process my feelings and I now don’t feel anywhere near as hurt. Might be worth a try? Xx

"She portrays this ‘family first’ image to others which I find so infuriating. She really invests in other relationships, such as her friends and her friends daughters. They get lots of thoughtful messages etc."
My mother did/does the exact same. We are not close, AT ALL. I'm actually now NC with her so I don't know what she tells people, but I expect age still maintains this lie.

I'm ok about our relationship, on the whole. It's normal to me. I do feel pangs of sadness when I see what other people have with their mothers, how much love they receive, practical support, involvement with GC. I get nothing. Oh well.

My situation is slightly different in that DM lives very close and heavily relies on me now she is getting older. I have to ring her daily and see her twice a week otherwise I get a huge guilt trip- she spirals into depression which is so much worse. Despite this, working almost FT and having a family, she rarely asks me anything about myself, all based on her/ why DSis (the no favoured child) isn't interested in her. She feins interest in DDs but is never really interested- luckily they can see right through it all and just think it is amusing. I find it so sad.

It’s because she knows she can’t act a bullshit part with you the way she can with friends who have never lived with her, and even more with friends’ children who she can put up a front with to convince herself she is nice. You know the real her so she has to distance you.

It really is her, not you.

Get some therapy too- I have the same situation with my family and it’s affected my whole life as I just never feel part of anything or supported or loved really. I make sure my kids never feel like I have and know how loved they are. Lots of therapy has helped me a bit too!

I have a similar dynamic with my mum. I had a look at the stately homes thread for book recommendations, downloaded a sample to my kindle but that wasnt quite what I needed. Amazon suggested anotherbook called the emotionally absent mother which Ive started. Might be worth you doing a bit of reading around. Have a look at the stately homes thread and see if anything jumps out at you.

Thank you all for your comments, suggestions and sharing your own painful experiences. @AtlasPine that is a very interesting though - she certainly reinvents herself to others in a way that is unrecognisable to me!

Have you had therapy OP? It's never too late to heal the mother wound inside you.

Same here. Often parents like yours(and mine) have personality disorders- I found that helpful when my therapist explained how she saw DM's behaviour as being something with a clinical diagnosis. She's obvs not diagnosed, she wasn't there. But it helps me to see it that way. I know it's her, not me.
Hurts like buggery stills and I'm the same age as you.
Have met my dad like 5 times ever. Some people get lucky with parents. Some don't.