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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to deal with this

26 replies

Shambles689 · 22/07/2021 00:24

So me & DH live in a tourist resort and have lots of visitors, especially over the summer, which we love and generally enjoy. Our friends daughter is staying with us along with her boyfriend for a couple of weeks and it's been quite stressful as she is incredibly lazy . The boyfriend is slightly more pragmatic about helping out . Anyway I've been biting my tongue for the last 9 days as I cook, clean & work while they lay about by the pool, leaving rubbish, plates, cups and cigarette butts ( we are completely non smoking and I hate smoking ) around where they have been sitting. I have mentioned, "can you bring your stuff into the house" etc but it's every day they need reminding. Any way they went out today ( I drove them for an hour to the destination but had to come back to work ) and left them to sight see. I just popped my head into the bedroom to make sure the Aircon was off as they has a habit of leaving it on, anyway in the middle of the rug is a big pile of sand and rubbish ( looks like she tipped her bag out on the rug)
I took deep breaths and thought, they will clear it up when they get back ...no harm done Angry. So after picking them up later in the day from the sightseeing...it's now been 5 hours since they returned and they have made no attempt to hoover up the mess...I literally want to throw them out and say go get a hotel, to be so disrespectful when they are having a free holiday. It's made me think I never want anyone else to ever stay with us . Her mum is a very dear friend and I am at a loss as what to do . I will never have them back again but how do I get through the next 3 days without loosing my shit - help

OP posts:
Lanique · 22/07/2021 00:28

Oh gosh I feel your pain. How old are they?

I think you will have to bite your tongue as the long-term consequences could be bad.

Are you working for the next few days while they're with you?

PS can I come and stay? Your house sounds awesome. And I promise I don't smoke and am very, very domesticated!

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 22/07/2021 00:29

Go and hand them the hoover.

You need to be more direct and tell them to do x y or z and stand there while they do it, and stop doing them favours like giving them lifts.

I would be very tempted to kick them out, but I probably wouldn't, I would certainly let your friend know about their disgusting behaviour and never have them back again though.

They sound like absolute piss takers op, hope you manage the next 3 days Flowers

romdowa · 22/07/2021 00:29

I'd contact her mother and tell her how disrespectful her daughter is being of your home.

HollowTalk · 22/07/2021 00:31

I think I would just tell her that she and her boyfriend have to go now. They are showing you absolutely no respect and you shouldn't put up with it. I would tell your friend when they leave the house otherwise she will perhaps try to persuade you to keep them there. Then hose down the room.

DotBall · 22/07/2021 00:40

Oh FFS be the adult, get in there and tell them - “In this house we clear up after ourselves, here’s the hoover, I expect it done within half an hour. Please ensure fag ends, glasses, towels etc are removed from the pool area in future.”

Paddling654 · 22/07/2021 00:43

I would tell them firmly what you expect.

TheSkatesOfCoachBombay · 22/07/2021 00:48

It's a difficult one is t it because her mum is a dear friend.

What I would do is say to them "when guests leave we do ask that they clean, and hoover the bedroom they have stayed in, strip the bed and place the dirty laundry in the wash basket, guests who smoke are also asked to just double check they have disposed of all their cigarette butts around the home/pool area"

Then never invite them back...

Monty27 · 22/07/2021 00:55

Say goodbye ASAP and take it as a learning curve.

lannistunut · 22/07/2021 01:01

You need to say calmly and clearly that they need to help you more as you are running around after them too much. Saying that is not controversial.

If their mum is a dear friend then you are OK, because surely your friend will not think this is OK?

Pickapicket · 22/07/2021 05:33

If you are truly worried about upsetting your friend and equally worried you will blow, is it practical to book them into a B&B for the last few days and say you’ve forgotten the builders are coming in?

Shoxfordian · 22/07/2021 05:53

Tell them to clean it up now and ask them to leave

They’re disrespectful
Stand up for yourself a bit

Carrott21 · 22/07/2021 06:14

I would do a house meeting. All round the table for a chat. You've been asking them for 9 days and it's not working. You need to stress that this is your home, you are not running a business where you tidy up after people. It's lovely having them there, but you are not a hotel and they need to keep the place tidy. Emphasise that you're not smokers so especially want that side of things taken care of cleaning wise. I'd ring the mum.too just to.advise that there was a need to have a little chat.

2me2u2u2me · 22/07/2021 06:14

@DotBall

Oh FFS be the adult, get in there and tell them - “In this house we clear up after ourselves, here’s the hoover, I expect it done within half an hour. Please ensure fag ends, glasses, towels etc are removed from the pool area in future.”
This

And whilst doing this also tell them you’re disappointed they’re being disrespectful in the way they’re being in your home.

If my daughter did this in a friends house I’d be mortified, so I would hope your friend would be understanding if you tell her you’re upset by their behavior.

MaMaD1990 · 22/07/2021 06:45

Just tell them they have to pick up after themselves and give them a hoover and bin bag. Chucking them out with 3 days to go will likely cause an issue with you're friend so I probably wouldn't do that - just don't have them back again.

Charley50 · 22/07/2021 07:07

I wouldn't kick them out either. I would reiterate they must clear up as they go along, I wouldn't drive them for an hour anywhere, and, if you're unwillingly cooking for them, say they can buy/make their own food, as you don't have time. No need to escalate it.

Bobbybobbins · 22/07/2021 07:12

I would do what PPs have suggested and be a bit firmer with them. When I was 18 I stayed with my aunt for a few days and I suppose I was a not doing things how she wanted them (I was a bit lazy and she likes the house very tidy). She told me firmly but nicely and it was a good kick up the bum for me.

RedHelenB · 22/07/2021 07:14

Gabi by not coming out with it. Say I've noticed a bit of mess on the rug, here's the hoovet. Say at the start of the holiday, we do not smoke in our house or garden. Don't take them places if it's inconvenien.

girlmom21 · 22/07/2021 07:18

Tell them they're taking the mick: it's not a hotel and you're not a maid.

They can tidy up or leave.

ThinWomansBrain · 22/07/2021 07:19

I misread at first and thought it was your daughter.
That's horrendous.
has she stayed before and behaved so badly?
If yours is a non-smoking house I wouldn't tolerate the smoking at all, let alone asking them to clear up the debris.
I would tell them that you've been asking them to clear up after themselves since they arrived, they clearly have no respect for you or your home, please leave by the end of today.
And let her mother know so that it doesn't impact your relationship.

cauliflowerkorma · 22/07/2021 07:20

I think you have offered them a place to stay-generously. And you are not an all inclusive resort. How old are they?

Having visitors is hard. It works better with boundaries and clear instructions. Start putting some boundaries in place. 'I am having some time off cooking this weekend. Heads up you will need to organise your own meals outside of the house.

I have got to work on Tuesday so would you mind sorting lunch/tea for everyone and clearing up afterwards. Thanks!

I am having friends round/a workman in on monday. So you need to be out of the house from 10am until 6pm so could you plan for that please? (Just to give yourself some breathing space)

Hey guys when you leave next Tuesday, my cousin will be arriving later the same day and i will be working. So i usually asks guests to leave the room as you found it. It you can strip the bed and grab the stuff and towels and leave it in the utility. Get rid of any rubbish and run the vac round that would be great.

Put the hoover on the rug next to the pile of sand?
Accept this is a risk of having young people to stay? And you will be gutting the room after. Teenagers can be a bit thoughtless.
Discuss with her mum?

TheSandgroper · 22/07/2021 07:26

I would hand them the vacuum and advise them to get on with it or they would be out by x time. Then I would be firmly on the front foot with friend and text her saying “this is the situation, this is what I have said and done. These are my parameters. I will keep you posted”. Photos might help.

If she is a good friend, she should be on the phone reading the riot act herself.

Original poster
Shambles689 · 22/07/2021 07:38

Thank you for you replies and yes I do need to pull them up on this disrespectful behaviour. They are 22 so not young and really should know better. I've had very little sleep as it's made me so angry and upset, but it's needs to be dealt with .Right I'm going to tackle this head on - right after my coffee Wink

OP posts:
MrsN100 · 22/07/2021 09:28

Take pictures. Tell your friend. This is not acceptable at all! I'm shocked you have allowed them to walk over your for 9 days!! Take control of this situation. Disgraceful of them to do this.

MyFartWillGoOn · 22/07/2021 09:33

I don't think you would be at all unreasonable to give them a bit of a talking to. This isn't a holiday rental, it's your house!

Well done for having the conversation. Hope it goes well!

Cherrysoup · 22/07/2021 09:39

Stop being so bloody people pleasing! When I moved to London, my mates decided it was Hotel Cherrysoup. Soon put a stop to that. Why do you allow all these people to stay? Do they pay? I’d be telling them how much a decent hotel costs and pointing them in that direction. If your house is non-smoking, there’d be no smoking anywhere on the property. You’re being taken for a ride. 2 weeks for a mate’s daughter is bonkers.