AIBU to want my family to self isolate until my Mother’s Funeral

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

My beloved mum died last Friday. I am shattered by the loss. We all are. The only thing keeping me going is helping my dad plan a lovely funeral service for her. Something to reflect the amazing person she was.

I am getting very anxious about the risk of me or my dad, husband or children coming into contact with a positive case and having to self isolate and miss the service. We will find out the date of the service tomorrow. Likely to be first week in august.

I’ve suggested that we all (DF, DH, DD1, DD2 and DS) either self isolate from 10 days before the service or at least avoid all “close contact” for this period. My father only lives down the road and we can bubble with him.

Whilst no-one has told me I’m being unreasonable I think that might be because they know I have been so distressed and they don’t want to upset me further.

Just for clarity, I’m not usually controlling of people and I am usually fairly rational. I’m really not sure whether what I am suggesting is just common sense. Or whether it’s the ranting of a mad woman. I feel a bit blindsided by grief. So please be gentle. But do tell me if I’m being daft.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Definitely not being daft. Do whatever makes things work for you at this awful time for you. Condolences.

No one's reaction to grief is 'normal' so don't worry about being rational or like usual.

Maybe they think you're asking a lot. Maybe ask them?

So sorry

I think it is very reasonable to suggest that all close family are extra careful in the period before the funeral but I would draw the line at actually demanding that everyone self isolate

I can see where you're coming from and your heart is in the right place, you want your mum to have the send off she deserves because you love her. Has anyone objected to the suggestion? If not then crack on, there's no right or wrong way to do grief so if this helps you get through the pre-funeral period then do it. If anyone does object then minimising contacts rather than full isolation might be way forwards.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My mum's funeral is on Friday - I think I would have found that enormously stressful - we had to go and see the funeral director, people were popping in and out of the house which kept DDad busy, there were errands to run and I wanted to spend some down time with my friends to stay sane.

But it actually didn't occur to me that I could have self-isolated... and I certainly wouldn't have asked DS to stay off school, but I'm assuming you're on holidays now?

I think you need to do what ever you need to do to make you feel comfortable. If self-isolating is going to make you feel more in control then that's what you should do. I'm so sorry for your loss

How much is going into self isolation going to effect everyone in the group? Do you all WFH or will assume have to stop going to work? Our are you children school age and need entertaining whilst it's school holidays?

Thank you. There isn’t really any resistance from my direct family to my suggestion. DD1 and DD2 are 20 and 17 and adored their grandmother. They have been very involved in planning the service. They would meet friends outside at a distance. DF is fine so long as he can still see us and my DH works from home and so long as he can still go out for cycles on his own he’s fine! DS is 10 and has broken up from school now. He might be momentarily disappointed not to be meeting with friends but I’d make it up to him after.

But it would mean keeping other friends and relations at arms length. Plus my mother in law who is used to seeing a lot of us.

We could see people in the garden (which is decent sized) more than 2M away. But I found myself asking my DH to cancel his dental appointment for next week (nothing urgent). He didn’t mind. But was a bit surprised. And I suggested he delay getting his hair cut too. I’m questioning myself. And using this forum as a bit of a sounding board.

Thank you all for your kindness.

Oh love it's very temporary and your family are being kind.

If it helps and they are OK with it, don't worry any more.

I'm so sorry to hear you've lost your mum, and I think what you're asking for is fair. You're not suggesting total isolation, just minimising contact and it being outside. That sounds like a sensible suggestion. I would agree about the hairdressers too. Funerals are such an important part of the process, and I feel so sorry for anyone who has missed out on this during the last 18 months.

Thank you all so much. I’m so sorry NoYOU that you have also lost your mum.

And yes, I’ve been working from home since March last year. My plan would not really affect anyone that much. I am keen though to keep myself grounded. I kind of pride myself on usually having rational thought. And even though my plan is not being met with horror by the family, I still want to check it against the yardstick that is the logic of MN at its best!

Thanks again.

I think it's fine if they're willing to do it. If you're in a place with good weather your DDs can still get out and distract themselves relatively safely. If you were suggesting they stay in and they wanted to see friends, I think you'd need to respect that we all have our own ways of dealing with grief and let them make that decision. But it sounds like they're ok with doing it, so even if it were a teeny bit much I don't think it matters.

Ah flower, honestly, in this situation if that's what keeps your mind at ease then do it, if you can do it with minimal practical interruptions to your family then absolutely do it I would consider it in your position in all honesty. I'm so sorry for your loss, lots of love to you

Very sorry for your loss OP - I don’t think you are unreasonable but equally I could understand if your family didn’t want to. Funerals aren’t important to everyone- and I in no way mean the person, I literally mean funerals. I wouldn’t keep my children in for 10days for a funeral- but your feelings are valid.