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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What do you consider cheating?

19 replies

WitchesNStuff · 21/07/2021 19:06

I was having a conversation with work colleagues today and one was telling us about her friend who had been having inappropriate chat with another man (they are both married), it included rude comments to each other, discussing touching themselves/each other. She thought it was quite funny and was joking about mid life crisis etc whereas most of us said that we would consider it cheating and would potentially end our relationships.

She said there is no chance either of them would do anything physical which is why she thought it was ok and just a bit of fun but for me I would consider it a big line crossed? It's one thing having a joke/flirt publicly but this seems a lot further.

AIBU, what would you consider cheating?

OP posts:

Notapheasantplucker · 21/07/2021 19:09

If she's hiding it from her DH then it's cheating.

BlatantlyNameChanged · 21/07/2021 19:09

Sexual and/or romantic intimacy with a third party, even if its not physical, its giving someone a part of yourself that should only be for your partner. If you're seeking out this intimacy then you shouldn't be with your current partner anyway as you're obviously not happy in the relationship.

Hankunamatata · 21/07/2021 19:10

Wow that so over the line

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/07/2021 19:12

That’s cheating. And it’s not at all funny.

BadgeronaMoped · 21/07/2021 19:13

Eew, thats really grim. I would consider that cheating, yes.

spotcheck · 21/07/2021 19:13

I think people tie themselves in knots trying to define what 'cheating' is.
Perhaps it's easier to define 'loyalty'.
Are the people in your example cheating? No, not really.

Are they being loyal to their partners? Nope

pineapplecat21 · 21/07/2021 19:14

Cheating.

Original poster

WitchesNStuff · 21/07/2021 19:14

Totally agree, I have always felt that if you have to delete anything then its crossing the line. I'm not naïve enough to think it doesn't go on regularly however doesn't mean its ok.

Over the years I have generally found that mens attitudes towards it is more that they think they are ok as long as they are not actually having sex with someone but personally for me there is stuff that is much more intimate than sex, such as seeking company by chatting to someone else regardless of what the messages say

OP posts:

HeckyPeck · 21/07/2021 19:14

It's only not cheating if they have discussed boundaries with their partner and they don't mind.

Original poster

WitchesNStuff · 21/07/2021 19:15

Spotcheck - yes perhaps you're right, it definitely isn't being loyal.

OP posts:

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 21/07/2021 19:18

I consider that cheating.

Original poster

WitchesNStuff · 21/07/2021 19:22

Heckypeck I don't know that much detail but it didn't come across that way.

OP posts:

RandomLondoner · 21/07/2021 19:24

I have a question: you have sex with someone else, but it's not in any way kept secret from your spouse. Is that "cheating"?

I've never understood the term "cheating". It implies either lying or breaking the rules. If it means lying, then it would not be cheating to have sex with someone else as long as you're partner was fully-informed along the way.

If it's about breaking the rules, i.e. presumably the marital contract, then why is it only having sex with someone else that's so labelled? Marriage has 101 implied expectations of how people should behave towards their spouse, not having sex with other people is only one of them. If "cheating" means breaking the contract, refusing to have sex with your spouse would be as wrong as having sex with someone else. (And before anyone comments, no this doesn't mean you have to have sex. It just means you can correctly be labelled as a "cheat" if you choose not to.) Unilaterally changing you mind about how many children you wanted to have would also be cheating, if that had been agreed before marriage.

PersonaNonGarter · 21/07/2021 19:25

It’s whatever the couples in question think it is.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 21/07/2021 19:27

If they’re keeping it secret from their partner it’s cheating.

Original poster

WitchesNStuff · 21/07/2021 19:28

If you have an open relationship and your boundaries are that you can have sex with someone else as long as you don't lie about it then I guess it's not cheating.

OP posts:

Comedycook · 21/07/2021 19:29

Anything you wouldn't do with another person in front of your partner

RandomLondoner · 21/07/2021 19:35

If you have an open relationship and your boundaries are that you can have sex with someone else as long as you don't lie about it then I guess it's not cheating.

No, I'm saying that even if you have sex with someone else and your spouse is completely opposed to it, if your spouse is kept fully and immediately informed, you haven't lied, so it's not cheating. If necessary I'll accept a stipulation that they need to be told in advance that you intend to do it, and told afterward that you've done it.

My beef is that cheating implies dishonesty. If there's no dishonesty, the word cheating should not be used.

Original poster

WitchesNStuff · 21/07/2021 20:21

Ah ok, well it doesn't sound as if this person is telling the truth to their husband. My colleague just said it wasn't cheating as it wasn't physical, it was implied that it was behind the husbands back.

OP posts:

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