To want to leave but can’t

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I don’t love my husband anymore. I’m disappointed in the person he has become since we had kids. He’s selfish. We have terrible communication. When I have tried to resolve things I get the silent treatment. We’ve tried counselling but it’s made no difference. He has repeatedly said that its all my fault (I’m not blameless, of course, but its not all me).

Sometimes I wish he would just disappear. I wish I could leave him but I’m not brave enough. I’m worried about the DC. I’m so scared about how I will cope not seeing them everyday. He loves them so 50/50 custody seems fair and best for them (but breaks my heart).

Posting for traffic really. But where do I find the strength. How do I come to terms with not seeing my DC (6 and 4) everyday?

Anyone? :-(

Well, it takes 2 to make a marriage work and by the sound of it he's not prepared to change anything about his behaviour so I'm not surprised you've had enough. Btw you don't have to agree to 50/50 custody just because he wants it - does he do 50% of all care now?

I’m not in your position so I can’t really advise that, however, I was in your DC’s position. My parents divorced when I was 4 and years later she told me she overheard me telling my Nan that it was good that that Mummy and Daddy didn’t live together anymore because Mummy doesn’t cry any more. Her leaving gave me strength later to leave my own abusive relationships and finally find DH who is just a gem of a man. I don’t know if that helps, but you are worth it.

Focus on the damage that staying causes the children, and the opportunity that leaving offers for them to heal and have healthy futures instead of ones blighted by developmental trauma.

You would expect your children to do things they don't want but that are good for them, wouldn't you? Lead by example.

It's daunting but you will adjust. Emotions are transient, the tough emotions won't last forever.

You are brave enough. You are strong enough. Take it one step at a time, one moment at a time, rather than overwhelming yourself by trying to deal with all of it at once.

Thank you for your kind words

If it's a question of leaving sooner or later, better to do it sooner while they're still very young and can adapt and still be somewhat protected from the complicated bits. It sounds like you've one foot out the door, anyway.

You don't have to do 50/50. Having a main home might be more beneficial for the DC. One settled base rather than half a week here, half a week there. You can have mediation to explore the childcare agreement.

I couldn’t bear to have them less than 50/50 and I don’t think it would be fair to my husband either to do that to him. I can see the benefits of having a main home, but it would break him which would hurt them in the long run.

Plus if I argue they should be with me more, he’ll do that same and I might end up with less than 50/50. I do more than half the childcare at the moment but we both work full time so I don’t think I could prove it.

I imagine in the long run that I’d end up with them more though because he’d get busy with work and all the reasons why I do more at the moment…

Leave now it’s much easier at their ages than older kids. Honestly please leave now if you are not happy .