To say he isn't welcome?

[OhToBeASeahorse]

DH's parents split up when he was 6 and his sister was 4..His mother remarried and had 3 more children which are treated completely differently to DH and his sister.

His father couldn't take the responsibility of children, often standing them up or disappearing. He is an alcoholic. Several failed dysfunctional relationships. However he has always been fine with us, DH even had him as his best man.

FIL then moved in with his parents and then became their carer. They have both died over thr last 2 years.

FIL has now become obsessed with them, their money, ideas of family, and DH's mum. Sporadically DH received horribly abusive messages saying he is never going to talk to us again, we are 'fucking users', had the 'fucking cheek' to do x, y and z. This is usually followed by an apology. DH is the nicest man you could meet and doesnt deserve any of it. However he will always forgive and be prepared to meet up again.

WIBU to say this man is not welcome in our home or around our children?

Of course that’s not unreasonable.

Your oh can be there for his father as much or as little as he wants. However given how chaotic he sounds it’s a good idea to keep that away from your home and children.

Your oh needs to know it’s ok to lower contact if he wants. He’s doesn’t deserve to be treated badly.

That sort of instability is pretty much across the board with alchohlics and it doesn't go away when they're off the stuff in my experience. I'd be protecting my children from it but then I have reason to be extremely defensive.

Thank you. He really doesn't and I think having the children has made him braver.

His stepdad isnt interested at all (hasnt met our youngest who is 9 months, never expressed any desire to) and his mother has moved 500 miles away. He really does deserve better and I just want to shield our children from it.

@3scape I'm sorry you've experienced this too. He has a gf who us lovely but seems to think he can just get dry by willpower, and then he falls off the wagon and back we are to abusive, incoherent ramblings.

Sorry. It is very hurtful to know someone like that. X

Your job is to support your husband, as long as the man isn’t rude to you or your children while he’s there, it’s up to him if he has his father in the house or not.

I disagree with you NailsNeedDoing. It's both our home, and neither of us would expect the other to have to suffer through having someone we thoroughly disliked and made us uncomfortable, in our home, particularly if we felt their presence was potentially detrimental to our children.

I say this, as I have been in a very similar position with my FIL. I've said I support him in whatever relationship or lack thereof he has with his father, but I will no longer have him in my home, after too much water under the bridge. The girls have also since made a choice not to have him as a part in their lives, and have been supported in that also.

@mbosnz I've said the same and DH is completely happy with that

You got a good one there, OhToBeASeahorse! As much as anything, it hurts so much, seeing a good person continually being hurt by someone that is meant to care for them.

Your are not unreasonable, OhToBeASeahorse.

However these outbursts are the drink talking and he wouldn't be so obnoxious when sober. I knew a couple of people years ago who were simply dreadful when in drink, alienated so many, but were very nice indeed when not drinking.

The other thing of course is that alcohol is extremely damaging to health.

Keep contact low and cool and never tolerate drunken behaviour; however your husband knows all sides of his dad so it is natural that he wants to see him sometimes and it is kind to do so.

@NailsNeedDoing I disagree with your post-the fact he is verbally abusive towards the son,daughter in law and grandchildren he's made it a family decision. The OP isn't saying her husband can never see him just not in their childrens' presence.

I completely understand why you would ban him but I think it’s your husband’s decision to make not yours.

@Maggiesfarm I agree, in fact it's horrible because we havent seen this side to him before.

I do have to protect the children though. They have no engaged grandparents and I dont want them constantly wondering why he is there one minute and then disappears

He really does deserve better and I just want to shield our children from it.

^^ This is the only way to stop the cycle of dysfunction imo. You're doing the right thing protecting your kids.

He is an alcoholic. Any addicts only relationship is with their addiction.

I wouldn't have him anywhere near my DC.

We've had more awfulness tonight, so bored of it