To not be able to handle this new dynamic with ex

[cadburyegg]

My H and I split at the end of November last year for lots of different reasons, this thread describes some of them www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4079211-Sexism-feeling-downtrodden-by-my-mum-and-DH As well as this I also discovered he was on various dating sites (including paid ones which he paid from our joint account) messaging other women.

He has had a girlfriend for about 4 months now. Our DC are 3 and 6 and he has them EOW. He occasionally comes over during the week in the evening to see them but can easily go 10 days or so without seeing them.

He can go days and days without contacting me/asking how the DC are etc but when he does it's often not to do with the DC - he'll often ring me to tell me about his day, rant about work etc. I always answer the phone in case he is asking to see the boys that evening. He talks as if we are still together and says he misses me etc. His contact and interest with the DC has dropped since he got into the new relationship. I'm assuming he doesn't go 10 days without seeing her yet he claims to be too tired to come and see his children in the evening.

I feel like I'm in a love triangle tbh. I'm fed up of it. He can be nice when it suits him. I have found the whole thing extremely difficult, hopefully this goes without saying. He's actually very selfish and doesn't consider how his actions impact me and us, even though most people think he is the nicest person in the world. Lots of people say to me I'm doing amazing on my own and coped well with him being with someone else but I don't have a choice. i feel like the whole thing is really toxic and i don't know what to do, because i can't just stop contacting him.

Let the phone ring out and if he wants to see the kids he’ll text or leave a message.

Presumably he rings at a similar time each day?

It’s a only a love triangle if you have residual feelings. You sound like you’re doing really well, and you’re absolutely entitled to put some boundaries in.

He doesn’t get the benefit of chatting with you or your friendship. He’s taking the piss

Move all contact with him to e-mail. And don't answer his calls, unless the children are actually with him. If he starts yapping on about how hard his life is, hang up. People like him don't take hints. They only understand actions. You need to draw your boundaries up hard. If he starts talking face to face about himself or how he misses you, absent mindedly say 'huh?' If he repeats his woe is me crap, say 'oh ok.'

He doesn't miss you, he misses controlling you. Grey rock him till kingdom come.

If you don't want to just chat to him, then don't do it.

Yes, I can see why you answer the phone, but ask at the start of the call if this is about the DC and ask about when he is next seeing them - aim to make them available on a regular schedule, so ask what time he's coming on Wed, or Sat, or whatever the plan is.

If he says he can't, say, 'OK, they'll next be available on (day of next planned contact)' and leave it there.

Once DC matters have been dealt with, cut the conversation off. Plan some exit lines you're comfortable with - 'I'm busy, so if there's nothing more about the DC, I'll say goodbye' sort of thing.

You don't have to listen to him bore on about his work ever again.

I had a very blunt Aunt (but funny, impossible to offend) who would say - 'hope you are well' if anyone went on longer than a sentence she would interrupt and say 'It was a statement not a question darling'

Don't let him off load on you. He has a new girlfriend for that. The advice up thread about shifting to texts/emails are a great idea. I know it's early days but perhaps try to remove towards a more formal contact schedule with the children. What you have described seems to be all about him and what he feels like at the time.

Good luck OP.

I had a relationship like this with my ex for some time. It is really unhealthy. The best thing you can do is have an honest conversation with him saying you don't want to be contacted unless it is about the children. If he tries to tell you about his day or say he misses you just firmly say that you don't want to discuss it.

Unfortunately his contact with the kids might drop off but you can't do anything about it. The best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to distance yourself from him emotionally because if contact with the ex puts you in a bad head space you are not able to parent your children as fully as you can otherwise. I wish you all the best with it as it is a rough road but you will be stronger for it.

This is dragging out because you're letting it.

You need to tell him very firmly (and calmly) that he can only contact you re: children.

Set an email address up just for him, ask him to only contact you via that about the children.