Is our relationship coming to an end?

[Francescaisstressed]

My partner and I have been together 10 years, we have a mortgage together no kids. We both work full time, earning roughly the same and we are both WFH.
Our relationship has at times been rocky and there have been really difficult periods caused by myself (I struggle with mental health issues and have bouts of depression and anxiety) This is something I've really worked on, and I am having weekly therapy. He doesn't do much around the house which is my main bug bear.
Our main arguments seem to be housework (we work the same hours but I say I do about 75% of the work) and then me nagging/being difficult which always seem quite vague. He regularly picks up the way I say things, and I feel like he twists my words alot and makes out I said things maliciously when that's now how I meant them.
Last night I made a bit of a safety mistake in the kitchen (won't advise what as quite outing) I said 'i won't do that again' and walked away. Cue partner having a massive huff and saying that I should have apologised, that it's typical of me to never apologise and that if he'd done it I would have had a go. I said sorry. He said I said it too late, and I only apologised after he said. I didn't say anything as wanted to avoid an argument and told him how much I loved him, he was really huffy and slept in a seperate room. I thought he massively overreacted, and tbh this isn't the first time he's been doing stuff like this regularly. This morning he hadn't let it go, saying I'm difficult and that I don't apolgised that I nag him etc. He's now said he's too busy with work to talk it through, so I'm left anxious, with him stomping around the house.
Im left wondering what I really did wrong? If I bring up that I think he's depressed he snaps back that I'm avoiding the issue, but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around the house. I love him, and when we are both in a good place the relationship is fine. I know my anxiety is bad and at times I am controlling around the house (as in cleaning excessively, wanting things a certain way) however I'm doing better now, but it feels like at any time he can have an argument and throw it in my face he does. He says he can't talk to me, but never actually tries to. He never lets anything go, and takes everything I says and twists it to the worst possible meaning to the point where I often worry I've said something wrong.
I'm exhausted, and today I just feel like I'm not really sure what I have done to deserve this reaction. I made a minor mistake yd in a kitchen with no consequence, and over 12 hours later he's not speaking to me, and raising issues that I'm stubborn, I never say sorry, that he can't speak to me about anything and it's completely spiralled.
This feels like a regular occurrence, he never lets it go, we have a huge argument to the point where I will be hysterically crying and have to serious apologise and beg forgiveness and then he seems fine again.
So either he just isn't happy, resents me and it blows up like this or I'm starting to wonder whether he's depressed and taking it out on me a bit?
I honestly am exhausted, I do love him but I feel on edge and can't remember the last time we had fun.
I'm not even sure what advice I want. AIBU in thinking he has his own much deeper issues and I can't be fully responsible for his mood?

I'm sorry you're going through this.

It reminds me a little of my ex, particularly what you said about always taking the opportunity to have an argument, and of dramatic and long-winded punishments over things that I often thought could have been easily forgiven at worst, and likely laughed off at best!

Do you feel like whilst you walk on egg shells, he might still try and pick fights? My ex did this and it was when I realised that, that I knew it was over. In an evening I could ignore/fend off 4/5 attempts at starting some kind of issue but eventually I'd be caught out and it would play out the same as ever - silent treatment, sleeping in another room, twisting what was said and done.

I never got to the bottom of it, work stress? I don't know. I just knew that wasn't the life I wanted and I didn't have the skills to change it other than to leave.

Ironically, we are now friends after breaking up and enjoy each other's company!

I think this is a very he said she said thing? You mention you made a “safety mistake” last night. Now, his complaint was that if he’d made it, you would have been very upset with him. Is this true? You say he was upset you didn’t apologize; did it endanger him in some way, even though he wasn’t hurt? He’s right that if you would expect an apology if the situation were reversed, but he has to “force” one out of you, then no, the apology isn’t worth much. Then you say you didn’t want an argument, so you told him you loved him. Lots of people don’t like this, because it feels like emotional manipulation or blackmail; instead of discussing the problem or coming to some conclusion so it won’t happen again, you want to shut them and the discussion down with an, “I love you.” Yes, and they love you usually, but that doesn’t change the current problem. It just makes them sound a twat in a story like this if they keep trying to speak about it after you’ve tried to say, “But I love you.”

It sounds like you have VERY different communication styles (I don’t know if he’s wrong or you’re wrong or you’re both wrong) and while your relationship may not be over, you need to figure out how to communicate together in a healthy way. Couples counseling.

12 hours not talking to somebody over what you think they 'would have' done in a situation is fairly unreasonable. It's very annoying to be punished for things you haven't done but somebody else decides you probably would have in a scenario that has not even occurred.

But I agree, communication and counselling may help.

He sounds abusive...

We can't tell for sure if uour behaviour was u reasonable, though fwiw in my view i don't think you need to apologise for mistakes as a rule - only if you were being careless with someone else's stuff, or caused a genuinely frightening situation (big cloud of black smoke or something).

However what we can see is that you partners sulky, punishing behaviour is very poor, and he repeats it. So rwgardeless of whether you have behaved unreasonably or not, he definitely has, and it appears he believes that he is actually being reasonable and fully intends to repeat the behaviour.

I would not find this acceptable at all. No one holds the role of 'punisher' in a healthy partnership,IMO.

IF he thinks he has the right to punish you, that would be a massive red flag to me

Requiring someone to apologise and beg forgiveness is not a 'communication style', unless all you want to communicate is "I'm an abusive arsehole"

It sounds to me like you are both struggling and maybe taking it out on each other because of the current circumstances. If you both want to make it work, I think couples counselling could really help.

I don’t think yabu but this sounds like a miserable relationship to be in for you at least

He sounds abusive. No wonder you have anxiety.

So he only does a quarter of the household work but feels justified in attacking you for making a mistake with your three quarters. Despite both earning & working the same amount. Entitled prick.

I’m not a doctor or any kind of therapist but I would hazard a bet that your mental health would be vastly improved if you dumped the twat.