I don’t know what is wrong with me. I have a wonderful fiancé and two beautiful children but most nights I dream about this guy and it is making me feel awful.
I would not say he is an official ex per say but he was around in my life for a very long time.. on and off. I met him when I was doing work placement at high school and at the end of it we got into a kind of relationship until his work told him he couldn't see me anymore (they didn’t really know we were dating but I think they had an idea) or he might lose his job because I was 15 and he was 18.
I didn’t really speak to him again until I was at college and I saw him one day on the bus.. we both lived a village apart. We starting having relations but anytime I asked him were it was going he said he’d been hurt recently and he didn’t think he could do another relationship. I was 17 so I took it on the chin and after about 6 months I gave up. He got into a relationship 3 months later which lasted 3 years.
We then bumped into each other on a night out and it started again the texting, the sleeping together and I started to berate him for treating me like so we ended up falling out because he told me he did want to be with me but I was also texting/seeing someone else.. I was honest and said that I was going to go on a date with both of them to see and because I saw the other guy first he stopped talking to me. I spent 6 months apologising to him because he would act like I broke his heart until one day I said I was not apologising anymore.
I didn’t see him for 6 months until I ended up getting a job in the same city which meant getting the same train everyday.. we ended up sitting together pretty much every night on the train. He wouldn’t speak to me on the platform on a morning or acknowledge me any other time but he would text me saying which seat and that was it, I was hooked and I would go sit with him.
This carried on even after I met my now current fiancé. We had started going on dates and he didn’t like it that I wasn’t responding to him, I hadn’t told him about my now fiancé though.. he told me he wanted to be with me. I told my now fiancé that I could not see him as I needed to clear my head and sort myself out before committing to him. I spent 3 months sitting with this guy on the train thinking he might make a move or something or ask me out and nothing. We’d still sit together on the train though.
I got sick of this treatment and stopped speaking to him. I messaged my now fiancé and we have been together since. The other guy still spent about a month messaging me and one day within the first few weeks of being with my DP.. he did sit next to me on the train and he saw I was texting him and he asked who he was and then he kissed me. I didn’t kiss him back this time and I told my DP straight away.
We’ve been together 5 years and are engaged and I love him with every fibre of my being. We have a house and two children but the last few months I’ve been dreaming of this guy and I cannot for the life of me work out why..
I keep wondering if it is because I always questioned whether he liked me at all or whether it was because he didn’t like the idea of me potentially leaving but then if he didn’t why not.. was it because he liked me or was it because I gave him regular relations when he didn’t actually need to be in a relationship with me?! But then if not why would he sit with me on the train so often?! And why I am dreaming about him so often when I’ve not thought of him in years 😭