to want to extend an olive branch to my sister and her family?

[Lazarou]

I have not spoken to her for two years, and my parents are not in contact with them directly either. This is my sister and bil's choice.
Thing is I cannot face not speaking to my sister again and I would like to send a card and a gift with a letter just asking them to put all the bad feeling behind them and for us all to start speaking again, even if it is awkward at first.
Advice is really welcome and also anyone who has tried to patch things up-good and bad outcomes.
TIA

I have no advice but, I think it speaks volumes that you are brave enough to be willing to patch things up. Good luck, I hope it works out.

Thanks rh. A friend of mine has two sisters and they are always on the phone or round each others houses. I feel a bit sad that I can't do that and we used to be very close.

Lazarou, I have a similar situation, made slightly more awkward that there are another 2 sisters and 2 brothers (and their families) that do not talk to 1st sister (and this has been going on now for about 6 years)

My parents do keep in touch and I decided after one of my brothers died that I wasn't willing to 'lose' another sibling, so made the first move.

It's not been easy and I have found that I am the one feeling more hurt than ever. I am the one that makes phone calls, I am the one that sends birthday cards, xmas cards etc but get nothing in return - although if I stop for whatever reason 1st sis is straight on the phone to my mum moaning about me.

I still do it tho' even when it makes me feel bad....... expecially when my other siblings give me grief about talking to 'evil' sis. My dh wants me to stop (he sees how upset I get), but I figure that maybe one day she will need me....and I will want to be there for her (for example her dh is unwell and quite frankly unstable - my sis has already asked that if anything should happen to her that I look after my niece)

My suggestion is to do it - but be prepared for the backlash if it doesn't work out, and if that happens maybe tell her the door is always open should she change her mind. At least you will have made the effort.

MamaD, your bil sounds like mine! He is also unwell and unstable! What you say makes loads of sense, in that it would make me feel worse if I don't try. At one point I had convinced myself that I didnt care and they were awful people i could do without, but if I didnt care I probably wouldnt think about it every day.

Two years is a long time, things move on and so do people. If you want to patch things up it is a good idea to make the first move. Be prepared though that although the timing may be right for you, it isn't necessarily right for her.

Best of luck

good on you lazarou. I think for your own peace of mind you have to give it a go, but be prepared to be hurt.

My oldest brother is bipolar which he blames on my parents and his upbringing. He accuses them of systematically physically and emotionally abusing him since childhood. I broke off contact with him 4 years ago now, but was supportive of my other brothers and parents who satyed in contact. Since my DF had a stroke 18 months ago, the rest of my family have been so disgusted with my brother's behaviour that they have all broken contact with him, even my mother although it broke her heart to do so. (he visited my dad in hospital when he was at death's door and wrote a nasty letter to my mum saying that dad was still abusing him. My dad could not speak and still cannot and was and is extremely phyically disabled)

Every circumstance is different however and i do think that family relationships can be cyclical, depending on in particular who your siblings end up with. I have a much closer relationship with one brother than another because i get on much better with one SIL than another. (neither of these being the bipolar one)

I would definitely give it a go in your shoes- i don't think about my brother at all. Neither of us was getting anything from the relationship- i refused to have a relationship with him unless he stopped discussing mum and dad with me and insisting that i share his point of view about his childhood. He was unprepared to do so and i cut the cord. I have now decided that i will have nothing further to do with him unless he gets to a place where he can accept he was wrong- which i accept is extremely unlikely.

It is quite difficult sometimes to avoid criticising the partners of our loved ones, but you must hold back if you want to have a relationship with your sister. Listen if she wants to have a go, but i would be very very careful not to add anything. I think that will give you the best chance of success. Good luck!

Lazorlou......I think you should go for it...I did not speak to my dad for 10 years and in the end regardless of what he had done to me the sadness and bad feelings where eating me up inside....I did contact him and tell him that I had forgiven everything he had done and that it was in the past...he then cried and said sorry...we are only in touch in a small way now but my life has been healed and I can move on.

Even if your wishes for peace are not returned then you will have a clear mind and heart about your part in the relatioship.

Also your relationship with your sister is yours and hers and should not be complicated by the feelings of other siblings or parents.

Let love overcome fear.

that's a very good point about it being the right time for me but maybe not for her. I have thought about that possiblity, so I think it's a good idea to do what mamaD does, and send cards etc regardless of whether I hear back or not.

Do it - well done, you are big-hearted - but don't under any circumstances bring up the past.

You will be tempted at times but don't.

I have patched up my relationship with my step-mother but if we started talking about when i was a child living with her and my Dad it would all go up in smoke, I just know it.

Thanks for all the encouragement, I remember watching Denise (agony aunt)on This Morning last christmas and she was answering peoples letters about christmas and one thing she said really stuck with me. She said 'what's the point in not speaking to people at christmas' and i wanted to contact my sister then, but it was still all a bit raw for me.

It happened to me about 10 years ago! I had the same feelings as u & was waiting for an opportunity-it never came.Then one afternoon
after the dust had setteled I just wasnt afraid of being rejected anymore,it was near xmas & i thought what if anything happened to either of us she would never know my heart the love i have 4 her so i rang we spoke,we cried we are now closer than ever b4{A true friend is born in adversity]

That's great chodders, life's too short to hold grudges isnt it.

Lazarou: another part of the reasoning for me was that when my brother died I had had a HUGE falling out with him 2 weeks before...... and we never got a chance to make up. I spent the next year or so racked with guilt and swore I would not go thru that again.

Sometimes life really is too short to 'sweat the small stuff'. I'm not in any way saying your reasons for your falling out are not important - please dont think that - but how would you feel if something awful happened to her tomorrow?

I also agree with C-C-C-Cake. Many a time I have been ready to SCREAM at my sister (as she really doesn't think she has done anything wrong), but know that I never can. Makes me but at least I get to keep the peace

Lazarou only i have been thinking of and praying that u will do what u need to do when the time is right , you sound like youve got an open heart and i do beleive like your name you will see a ressurection in this area of your hearts concern. bless you hon xx