I got my result for my first year of uni study today. I got a distinction and I'm proud because firstly, I have finally gone a decent way on a journey I meant to start many years ago. Secondly, because I did those assignments through my DD suddenly developing a debilitating condition and me having to devote all hours of the day and night to her care and comfort. I did this when my own emotional well-being was taking quite a battering. I did it through a pandemic and through homeschooling three kids at three different schools. I did them through a house renovation. Through my laptop being lost, through having to drive to various city hospitals at a moments notice, and all while keeping the household ticking over and everyone with all their various needs and neurodivergencies where they're meant to be with the stuff they're meant to have.
BUT!
I tell DH and I get "Good, I expected nothing less to be honest. You were obviously going to."
I tell my mum and she said "Ah, I didn't expect anything different."
I tell my Dad and he said "Well, well. A distinction. I would have been surprised to hear merit or pass."
This is because when I was at school a thousand fucking years ago, I did really well in my GCSEs and A Levels. You know, back when I had no other responsibilities but doing that work and sitting those exams. Over twenty years have passed since I did anything this academic and although I know they're trying to say something like "I knew you were capable of it", it strikes my ear a little more like they're saying it was expected of me and not really an achievement because when I was a teen, this came naturally to me. But this is a really huge achievement to me!! Huge. I worked my arse off to complete these assignments to a decent standard! I had to find tiny slivers of time, or even stay up into the early hours of the morning to get an hour of uninterrupted time to proofread. And I did it all by myself. Not with a class full of students studying the same thing and sharing ideas. So I'm proud but I really feel a bit deflated and that nobody else is proud of me or has even acknowledged the literal sweat and tears it took to pull this off with everything else going on. And I would have been damn proud of a merit or a pass too, but I got a bloody distinction, when I could so easily have given up.
I don't know what I want from this really because I know they're not trying to be unkind, it's just made me feel a bit hollow when I was full of joy before I shared it.
Does anyone get what I mean?