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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let ex in my house

23 replies

Myworldyourworld · 19/07/2021 16:51

Me and ex recently split. There's no hate there or anything. But I don't want to be in the situation where I hand the children to him he takes them out. He drops them of and leaves. I'm still happy for him to come in my house have a drink tell me how their day was. Also we are arranging a couple days out over the summer. Me him and children. A couple of people have said its weird and no one they knows who have split with their child's father does this. I want the children to know that they can still do thing with mummy and daddy not mummy or daddy.

So AIBU?

OP posts:

something2say · 19/07/2021 16:56

No, as long as it works. It's best for the children if mum and dad get on. Good luck!

tallduckandhandsome · 19/07/2021 16:57

The days out together are fine, but are you saying you want his contact days to happen at your house? I would hate that, much better to have agreed pick and drop off times.

Singlebutmarried · 19/07/2021 16:58

You do you OP. If it works for you guys then great.

Royalbloo · 19/07/2021 16:58

Unlikely to work long-term and psychologically a pretty bad idea imo

cookiesandcreamm · 19/07/2021 16:58

I think it's perfectly fine. Whatever works for you all, children mostly.

updownroundandround · 19/07/2021 17:01

It's fine as long as you're both at ease with this, but it usually causes a lot of issues when new partners come along.

The idea of some sporadic 'days out' are also a non-issue, up until a new partner comes along.

I'd say carry on, but be prepared for it to change very quickly if either of you start dating again.

2LostSoulsSwimmingInAFishBowl · 19/07/2021 17:03

You do you. I would never do this with my own ex, but if you want this arrangement with yours and he’s happy too, then crack on. Neither way is weird at all.

Qwertyyui · 19/07/2021 17:04

I am best friends with my DDs father. We see each other most days. He gets on well with my DH. We were his bubble through Covid as he was single. He normally has sunday dinner with us every week. We have trips out with him. We go to the cinema with him. We have keys for each others houses. He is a massive part of our lives and my DH is fine with everything as he sees him as family. He came to our wedding and arranged a surprise wedding car for us. Is it usual? No. Is it nice to have two parents not fight? Yes. Is DD well adjusted? Yes. We have been like this for 10 years now and cannot see it changing (unless her finds a DP who struggles with it I guess) I have had experience with exes not getting on and that is a really hard struggle!

arethereanyleftatall · 19/07/2021 17:05

It's what we do, it's best for the children. We also still go on holiday together and socialise occasionally. Just because we don't fancy each other any more, we're still friends and share children! He also looks after them in my house when it's his 'turn' and I go out - again, simply because it's best for them.
It's funny how folk almost want you to be at each other's throats!

gogohm · 19/07/2021 17:05

We have done family outings and met new partners etc, whatever works for you is fine. Ignore naysayers

Mintjulia · 19/07/2021 17:07

YANBU. My ex sees our ds at my house because of long distance issues. However I don't spend any time with them. It is his day, so I go out or mow the lawn or catch up on stuff. And we don't do family days out because I don't want to confuse DS.

Ex is ds's guest while in my house. Ex isn't there to see me, and that is always clear.

Original poster

Myworldyourworld · 19/07/2021 17:10

@tallduckandhandsome

The days out together are fine, but are you saying you want his contact days to happen at your house? I would hate that, much better to have agreed pick and drop off times.

Oh no he does not have to have contact happen at My house. He just let's me know when he wants/can have them via its ok for both of us he picks them up. They go out do what ever they want to then he just brings them back when they are done. We don't have certain days/times

OP posts:

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/07/2021 17:32

YANBU. I get on great with my ex, I had him round last week doing some DIY in my house. He has a long term partner so those saying it will change when a new partner comes along - that's not always the case.

starfishmummy · 19/07/2021 17:39

If its working for you all then that's what matters. It doesn't have to be set in stone so if it stops working or if new partners come along then you can always have a rethink.

lioncitygirl · 19/07/2021 17:41

You have to do what works for you and the children.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 19/07/2021 18:39

I think this will start great. Then one of you will meet someone new and not want to do this anymore. Then it will be 'why can't daddy come out with us anymore mummy' and it will probably make you feel left out and hate the new gf for ruining your set up. He could meet someone amazing who doesn't care but I bet if there was an AIBU about 'am I wrong to not want my DH going on days out with his ex' people will say YANBU

lifeturnsonadime · 19/07/2021 19:45

Do you want to get back with him OP?

lanthanum · 19/07/2021 20:20

I know a couple of families who holidayed together for a few years after the split. It worked for them. However I agree that the problem with that may be if one of you later has a new partner, and it then becomes difficult. However occasional (rather than regular) days out is probably fine - those can be gradually tailed off if necessary.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 19/07/2021 20:25

It's great that you get along. Everyone's set up is slightly different, as long as your DC has time with both parents and everyone is happy, what's the problem?

Original poster

Myworldyourworld · 19/07/2021 20:36

@lifeturnsonadime

Do you want to get back with him OP?

No its me that called it off. Definitely not.

OP posts:

PicaK · 19/07/2021 20:48

There are plenty of people this wouldn't work for but if it works for you then fine.
Just watch out for the odd times you fall out (it happens) and you suddenly feel the rage and don't want them in the house but the children notice it. You have to ride it out if you can or let kids see you being friends again after
Also be aware new partners might not like it. We were doing bbqs, had keys to each others houses etc. Drawn back a little from that.
I think the thing for us is we didn't want the kids to have to wait to come in their own front doors,like they were a guest in their own home.
So if we're with the kids we let ourselves in - calling out coo-ee etc. But if on our own coming to pick up we wait like a guest.
Things change - just go with what feels right for now and ignore the naysayers

wildseas · 19/07/2021 21:09

We do this.

He takes the kids to his but will come in for a cuppa if the kids are being slow / want to show him something etc. Or he’ll chat to me for a few minutes when he rings the kids.

We also do occasional days out, kids birthdays and Christmas together. We’re not genuine friends but We are friendly and i would describe him to the kids as my friend.

The kids like it and aren’t confused. I think it’s much better for them.

welshladywhois40 · 19/07/2021 21:27

We do this too. I have a step child. If I am with my partner when he drops her back we all (our child included) go in and have a cup of tea together.

We have all done things together and childs mother has stayed at our house a few times.

We all get on and it's better for the children involved

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