To be feeling upset that Ex has moved on

[MarrymeTomHardy]

Will try not to dripfeed...
Ex is an alcoholic, we share a 5yr old DC (who is my world)
He has been an alcoholic since Dc was born if not before.
There was psychological abuse, gaslighting and sporadic physical abuse.
Having put all my energy into trying to help/save him, including funding detox/rehab, I realised my codependency and began detaching & focusing on myself. Finally a few months ago he admitted he had no intention of giving up alcohol & I asked him to leave.
Since then he turns up when he wants, acts like its still his home etc. etc. despite having by his own choice moved 100 miles away.
He doesnt parent, he is a classic weekend dad.
He still drinks, before & during his visits
Since leaving he left his job, and therefore pays no maintenance.
Ff to this weekend, no visit until today when he comes round and announces he is seeing someone.
I just feel like shit. I did the right thing in everyone IRL's opinion by ending things.
So why do I feel like its really unfair.
I am a fat, 40 yr old single mum with no prospect of meeting anyone else (not even sure I want to)...
I have a good job, own my own home & everyone says im a great mum.
So why do I feel like my future is bleak.
He gets to reinvent himself & i am left holding the baby :-(
Sorry for the sob story, I feel a bit better just for writing it down...

Don’t let him see your DC if he’s drinking. You know that’s not a good idea.

He will have picked another co dependent person. You know it won’t last.

Also. Don’t be down on yourself. You’ll meet someone when you’re ready if you want to (from a fat 50-something who was single for a lifetime because I didn’t want my kids to have any more crappy to deal with)

I voted YABU because he has clearly NOT moved on.

He is still drinking, he is still a shit irresponsible excuse of a father.

You did the right thing for you and your child ditching him.

If you want to lose weight there are small steps you can take daily to help with that. Try not to focus on the over weight you need to lose as that can be demotivating. Set yourself small targets and rewards for meeting those.

Ultimately, be kind to yourself.

Oh sweetheart. That really bloody sucks. Bit you have to bare in mind this new woman will be suffering just like you did. There's nothing to envy.

I had exactly this with my ex.

He hasn’t moved on OP he’s just found another victim. You on the other hand sound like your doing a much better job as a parent, have your own home and have so much life ahead of you. Of course you can meet someone else (if you wanted). My dear mum got remarried at 70. It’s not only slim 20 somethings that hook up. I’m sure you are gorgeous. Don’t put yourself down you’ve done so well binning off the drunk weekend ‘dad’

Imagine you were single. A year now. Looking forward, and ready to meet someone new.

Then imagine a hero like this turned up as your date. An abusive, jobless, alcoholic, weekend dad when it suits him.

Now tell me how fast you'd have left your date and blocked his number.

Let your emotions settle. You've no idea how you've just had the biggest favour you could by him moving on (to the next victim). This is not what your son will see as what a husband or father is anymore.

Congratulations. Sincerely xxx

I can understand that feeling , I asked my husband to leave he was abusive ,
anyway he's Much the same with seeing my children when it suits and I too have learnt since he left in April he's had two relationships ( short lived ) and is now on his third .

I am working full time balancing life with the children and have no time to do anything , I look after grandchild too in between work and my kids I feel like I have the short straw . Even if he has my2 youngest he won't have the third , so I am never alone and will always be single !!

Plus I am Over 40 and fat ( although I have managed to lose 24lb )

I think what you may be feeling is rejection. Even though you ended it you still feel a link to him because you did so much for him and your D should be the most important thing in his life and therefore by default you should be important in his life. You may feel someone has become more important than you and your D and feel massive rejection because of it. You may also think they are having an idyllic relationship.
The truth is that he is still an addict and whoever he is with may be too or attracted to people that come with massive baggage. He will abuse her , gaslight etc. It will be toxic.
I am unsure why you allow him to see your D when he is still drinking. Is it because you still want that connection ?
Do what is best for the pair of you, go nc until he is sober for 6 months and then reconsider.

I only put YABU as you let him care for a child under the influence. I would ban access unless he is sober

@TwinsandTrifle all this. I wouldn’t even give your ex my number, he doesn’t sound like a catch.

Sorry, for clarity, he comes here to see DC so 'supervised' because he is drinking. He has not had DC alone for 3 years (even when living here) due to the drinking.
If I say NC now, it will be perceived that its because he has a new girlf & not because its the right thing for DC

Idiotathome79 Sorry you are going through this too - it sucks!
& well done on the 24lbs

You are right, I would run & not look back!

It sucks. But wonder who on earth he is seeing. Doesn’t sound like much of a catch.

You’re only 40, plenty of time to meet someone if that’s what you want to do. You have loads going for you and if you don’t like your appearance, weight, do something about it.

I voted YABU because you’re a million times better off without him. I don’t think I’d let him have unsupervised visits with your DC when he’s blind drunk either, he can take you to court for access and they’d probably grant supervised contact only. I don’t think a child is safe with an alcoholic.

@Dancingsmile
Thankyou, that is really insightful, I think you are right.
I didnt spend 15 yrs with someone to fail, which is what I feel like I have done

I hope he hasn’t got a key to your house? You should really put a child arrangement order in. Even if he’s ‘lost’ his job, how’s he getting money for booze? Is he cocklodging with the new gf?
You sound fabulous. You haven’t failed, he has. He’s still a complete loser. You concentrate on you and your dc and your lives. Moving forward together for a better and stable future.

Struggling to see what you're missing ?

You have done incredibly well leaving this loser..

Don't believe for one minute he's changed.. he's not changed .. you however are free of his abusive behaviour 🌸

@Longdistance
He is living with friends for free & working cash in hand from what I can tell.
He doesnt have a key.
My worry re. a child arrangement order is that he might get more than supervised access & I would have to comply.
He is quite successful at manipulating other peoples opinions of him, & covering his drink problem.
He was the model patient in rehab but only lasted days on the outside whilst convincingly lying about his success for months.

He has no fixed address ...

where exactly should the contact order be addressed ?

fear not OP.. he's a mess 🌸