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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teen storming off

27 replies

wedswench · 18/07/2021 14:13

My DD15 (adhd, Hugh functioning) has just screamed at me to fuck off because I went in to her room to see why she was crying and throwing things. After a while I agreed to leave her alone to calm down but I just heard the front door slam and she's run off down the road.

AIBU to let her go to calm down? I read they need 20 minutes once there cortisol levels have gone up like that to be able to see reason so I don't want to make it worse by following her.

I suppose I have no real safety concerns given her age.

But I feel worried just sat here.

So as it to drip feed there has been self harm tho not for months

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 18/07/2021 14:14

I'd let her go off and calm down, as long as I didn't think she'd come to any harm. She'll come back in a bit when she's got it out of her system.

NotAnotherPushyMum · 18/07/2021 14:15

Let her go if you’re sure she can keep herself safe. And it’s much longer than twenty minutes, sometimes two hours, until they’re calm enough to actually talk. Jump in too soon and it’ll just escalate again.

TheGumption · 18/07/2021 14:15

I'm trying to think what I would do. Maybe follow from a distance and see if she's okay? I don't know Sad so stressful for you.

Original poster
wedswench · 18/07/2021 14:18

Thanks everyone. I guess i know she'll be safe really. I just don't want her going too far and then struggling to get back what with buses etc. On Sundays

OP posts:
Original poster
wedswench · 18/07/2021 14:19

And she's not dressed properly. Baggy t shirt, no bra, slippers

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 18/07/2021 14:21

Did she take her phone with her?

Ducksurprise · 18/07/2021 14:21

It is horrible and you have my sympathy, it's bloody difficult parenting teens. Does she have her phone?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 18/07/2021 14:22

I’d go after her as she’s known to have self harmed.

SparrowNest · 18/07/2021 14:23

Has she got her phone? Could you give it the 20 minutes and then text asking if she needs a lift home or if she’s ok.

Littlefish · 18/07/2021 14:24

I empathise with you. My 16year old, also ADHD, does this.

I think it takes about 45 minutes for cortisol to come back down.

Does she have her phone with her?

My dd feels very embarrassed when she comes home, so I just nurture her, offer her drinks, speak kindly to her etc.

proopher · 18/07/2021 14:24

She's half dressed, I'd definitely go after her in this situation.

Original poster
wedswench · 18/07/2021 14:27

She does have her phone. It was off but she's turned it on and said she's "fine"

It's hard to judge because if I go, and it makes things worse, then it'll be 100 times worse to feel escalate it

OP posts:
Original poster
wedswench · 18/07/2021 14:28

De* escalate

OP posts:
Original poster
wedswench · 18/07/2021 14:29

@Littlefish

I empathise with you. My 16year old, also ADHD, does this.

I think it takes about 45 minutes for cortisol to come back down.

Does she have her phone with her?

My dd feels very embarrassed when she comes home, so I just nurture her, offer her drinks, speak kindly to her etc.

Hopefully she's back soon and I get chance to do that
OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 18/07/2021 14:32

Text her say let me know if you need a lift back

Are you sure she left without trousers or shorts?

Original poster
wedswench · 18/07/2021 14:33

I don't have a car but I could get her brother to offer. That's an idea.

The T shirt is huge so it's not indecent but no shorts or trousers

OP posts:
SparrowNest · 18/07/2021 14:45

@wedswench

I don't have a car but I could get her brother to offer. That's an idea.

The T shirt is huge so it's not indecent but no shorts or trousers

This sounds a plan, good luck. I’m glad you’ve managed to contact her at least.
Elieza · 18/07/2021 14:49

He could offer to meet her somewhere to give her a lift home, or to take her shoes and shorts and a bottle of water if it’s as hot where you are as it is here.

lljkk · 18/07/2021 14:50

I wonder if self-harm is less likely if they say have a huge outburst -- literally letting themselves be angry externally rather than internalise emotions too much. Is it possible that a huge outburst is improvement on what would have happened before?

i hope she can have a calm chat with you soon to repair the social bonds.

Original poster
wedswench · 18/07/2021 14:51

I've called him, he's going to call her. She might be warmer to the idea of him going.
Muss I'm worried about the heat too. She's dark skinned so doesn't burn but it's the dehydration.

(Realise it's only been half an hour and that's probably ridiculous!)

OP posts:
Original poster
wedswench · 18/07/2021 15:02

@lljkk

I wonder if self-harm is less likely if they say have a huge outburst -- literally letting themselves be angry externally rather than internalise emotions too much. Is it possible that a huge outburst is improvement on what would have happened before?

i hope she can have a calm chat with you soon to repair the social bonds.

That could be true actually. And I think self harm less likely out and about than at home where, although any obvious materials are locked away, there's always something laying around that can be a make shift tool Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
wedswench · 18/07/2021 15:10

Okay she's back. Thanks everyone. Sorry, I just panicked and didn't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 18/07/2021 15:15

@wedswench

Okay she's back. Thanks everyone. Sorry, I just panicked and didn't know what to do for the best.
We have all been there to one degree or another its so much easier to stay calm when its not your child
TheGumption · 18/07/2021 15:57
Flowers
wordsareveryunnecessary · 18/07/2021 16:04

Our DS (ADHD) used to do this. I got so stressed with it I rang the police. They spoke to him and sent a youth worker the next day too. It made him realise the consequences

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