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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Red flags? AIBU?

23 replies

Akindofloving · 18/07/2021 11:58

Been on a couple of dates with a guy. Met vaguely through work although we don't work together.

I knew that he'd been in a fairly LTR that broke up a few years ago. He'd mentioned it being a very dark time in his life (he's mid forties) However we haven't really discussed our past relationships much during our dates. I think those sort of intense conversations are best left until a bit later on.

We were messaging a few days ago and he mentioned he was meeting up with his ex partner and her eldest son for coffee that week. Fair enough, not really my business. He then mentioned that his ex partners youngest son (early teens) isn't speaking to him and hasn't since he left. I asked why and he said he was still angry with him about the way he had left them. He went on to say he left very abruptly. His way of putting it was he should probably have worked harder at things, but was fed up of being criticised etc. so just left!

My ex husband left me very abruptly, so finding this out has really hit a nerve. AIBU to think it's a red flag and I'd be wise not to continue dating him? He seems a nice guy otherwise but I can't stop thinking about what I've found out.

In addition he also told me he's feeling really lonely atm. It sounds harsh but I don't want to be around just to help ease his loneliness.

OP posts:

Original poster

Akindofloving · 18/07/2021 12:13

I had to stop myself inviting him round because I felt he's lonely

OP posts:

billy1966 · 18/07/2021 12:34

Sounds like he got out of a situation he wasn't hapoy in.
His choice.
He wasn't married.
He didn't have any children.

His choice IMO.

Good move not to be used for company.

See how things go.

Wjevtvha · 18/07/2021 12:39

I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s a red flag and I think it does worry you more based on your own experiences; at some point I’d ask him a bit more about the break up so you can understand it.

Monr0e · 18/07/2021 12:48

I think it depends. How long were they together? How old were the dc's and what was his relationship with them?
If he was in their lives a long time from a young age and acted as a step parent I would definitely judge him for leaving them abruptly and the potential pain he caused them.
If however he was more mums friend and not a big part of their lives then not so bad.
Did his ex know their were problems? Or did he just disappear from her life overnight too? In which case I would be concerned he could do that to me also and probably would never fully relax in the relationship.

However they are still meeting up so things seem amicable between them.

Original poster

Akindofloving · 18/07/2021 12:50

@billy1966 No he didn't have children but he did live with his partner and DC for nine years acting as a stepparent.

To just up and leave that situation so abruptly seems off to me? Perhaps I am projecting? I just don't know.

OP posts:

Original poster

Akindofloving · 18/07/2021 12:53

@Monr0e Nine years and he describes her DC as his step sons. I'm presuming it must have been pretty bad if the youngest still hates him three years later.

He said things with his ex are moving towards been amicable now but it was a pretty hostile situation until recently.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 18/07/2021 12:57

Ok, 9 years is a long time.

Well it certainly shows you he puts himself first.

If it gives you a bad feeling, don't ignore it.

He described the children as his steps, and upped and left.

Yea, I wouldn't be impressed either.

Mountaingoatling · 18/07/2021 12:57

I think you need to know more. Particularly id be concerned if there are underlying and unresolved mental health issues and any code pendent patterns in your relationship (you mention an urge to visit him to relieved his loniness).

Also...why is he trying to improve his relationship with his ex now? Closure? For the older child?

Original poster

Akindofloving · 18/07/2021 12:58

He said the relationship had been rocky for a while. She'd already kicked him out once out once then taken him back. Then he left of his own volition, came back and then just left again abruptly a few years later...

OP posts:

TooWicked · 18/07/2021 13:00

Why is he meeting up with his ex?

I can understand him keeping in contact with the teenagers, but that doesn’t necessitate meeting with his ex. Add to that “I’m lonely” and I’d be wondering…

Mountaingoatling · 18/07/2021 13:01

I just realised you've had two dates...this is quite a lot of baggage to be coming out so soon and I would wonder if he's mentally in a place for a relationship. Doesn't sound like he's resolved or processed his past.

Original poster

Akindofloving · 18/07/2021 13:02

@Mountaingoatling he said he was meeting up with the older child and his ex was coming as well. Not really sure why she needed to be there as the eldest is late teens!

I have done a lot of work on myself to break my co dependent tendencies. The old me would have immediately tried to rescue him from being lonely. The new me realises that his loneliness (although sad) is not my responsibility.

OP posts:

Original poster

Akindofloving · 18/07/2021 13:04

@Mountaingoatling Yes I agree it's a lot of baggage to be sharing so early on. I definitely didn't ask. He just started telling me.

Interestingly he's asked me precisely nothing about my break up with my ex husband

OP posts:

Mountaingoatling · 18/07/2021 13:07

Hmmmm....odd timing if I've understood...hasn't met them in ages...has two dates with you...meets his ex...is he tying up loose ends so he can move forward or something else? You deffo need to know more, not least what role he plans on playing in their lives going forward.

Mountaingoatling · 18/07/2021 13:09

Hmmm...I'm going off him more and more. I don't mind what someone's past is, but someone bringing unresolved issues and relationships into my life is damaging to me...Good luck!

DK123 · 18/07/2021 13:14

It sounds like there are a lot of unresolved issues from his last relationship and he also sounds like he's someone who very much puts himself first. Especially given the way you were hurt by your ex leaving you, I think this is a guy who is the type to just do what suits him and put other peoples feelings second, it sounds like his "step" DC were badly effected by how suddenly he left. You've clearly got a bad feeling about this, there might be other signals you're picking up on from him too. Tbh I'd walk away from this one. It sounds like it could be a very messy situation with a lot of baggage and the ex situation is clearly far from resolved.

toocold54 · 18/07/2021 13:23

I don’t think there’s ever a good way to break up and no one does it perfectly.
If they’d already broken up before and the relationship was rocky then for the SC sake it was probably better he left like he did than telling her face to face and ending up having a massive argument, crying etc.
His SC is probably upset he’s left more than how he left.

I personally would give it a chance as he seems quite honest.
The only issue is that because you were left the same way you may not be able to get over it.

PurpleWaterBlue · 18/07/2021 13:26

It maybe indicates a need to be a bit careful but, saying that, you don't really know what part his ex played in his decision to leave her.

He mentioned being sick of the criticism. Maybe his ex was actually hyper critical. That wears a person down in a relationship, till they snap and can take no more.

Sometimes, two people can be attracted/love each other but at the same time constantly rub each other up the wrong way. Constantly being moaned at until you feel like you can get nothing right is a big one, common and very destructive to a person's self esteem and the relationship often ends at this point.

You may be very different from his ex and your relationship could follow a completely different path.

Sure, sometimes past behaviour indicates potential future behaviour but, then again sometimes it doesn't.

He can't be all bad, he still desires seeing children that are not even his own after breaking up with their mother. A lot of men would not bother.

I wouldn't let my own ex's behaviour taint my judgement of the new fella because although the abrupt nature of their actions may have been similar, the reasons could be very different and more understandable in the case of chap two.

If I were you, I would guard my heart a little but carry on and see where it takes you.

Ultimately, it's your life and only you really know what risks you are willing to take to find a satisfying relationship.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/07/2021 13:30

I wouldn't call it a red flag on par with aggressive behaviour/language, dishonesty, negging, and the like. But it IS a red flag for you, therefore you need to pay attention to it. Life is too short to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. If he's setting your 'spidey senses' to tingling, back away.

QueenBee52 · 18/07/2021 13:39

[quote Akindofloving]@Mountaingoatling Yes I agree it's a lot of baggage to be sharing so early on. I definitely didn't ask. He just started telling me.

Interestingly he's asked me precisely nothing about my break up with my ex husband[/quote]

I'd knock this on the head OP.. the Ex is suddenly appearing more and more under the guise of ... turning up with kids...

You've got a good head of your shoulders.. you can see this for what it is...

Trust your instincts 🌸

RandomLondoner · 18/07/2021 13:49

Interestingly he's asked me precisely nothing about my break up with my ex husband

Why is this interesting? I would have no interest in the previous relationships of anyone if I were to start dating, and I'd shut them down with minimal details if they tried get me to talk about mine. (Why would I want to dwell on something that made me miserable and wasted so many years of my life?)

QueenBee52 · 18/07/2021 13:52

(Why would I want to dwell on something that made me miserable and wasted so many years of my life?)

but how would he know this unless he asked and you told him ?

bloodyhell19 · 18/07/2021 14:39

Break ups are never neat and I understand why it's raised red flags for you but I would be willing to tease out what happened - maybe it was a case that she was a thundering nag and never stopped at him & his choice was leave or have his confidence shattered.

Or maybe he's a flakey arsehole. You will truly never know for sure what goes on in any relationship, ever.

Young teens will never take a break up well though between a parent and step parent. I wouldn't entirely allow that to affect my decision in going forward with him or not.

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