To only invite 3 out of my 10 'friends' to my 30th

wheretheedgeoftheworldis · 2021-07-17T18:01:33+00:00

I have 3 really close friends and 10 'friends' when it suits them friends. Friends like we will send a text every 3 months to check in, meet up for a coffee every 3 months and I will go to their big events like big birthdays, weddings, baby showers etc. However, when it comes to smaller birthdays or random gatherings I'm not included kind of thing. So it's my 30th next year and I was planning on inviting them all but then I've just been thinking I will literally be inviting them out of politeness and to fill a space. These people don't really care about me on a daily basis, they don't know what's happening in my life so I don't feel like they would add anything to my birthday or need to be there. However, I've been there for a lot of there big events so I wouldn't want to offend anyone. Having just me and my 3 close friends would be lovely, it would obviously be a lot quieter but I'm good with that. I feel like I went through my 20s with wishy washy friends and friends that don't have my best interest at heart and I kind of want to start a new decade pleasing myself with the people I do want and who have consistently shown up for me through the good times and the bad. AIBU?

Cruddles · 17/07/2021 19:02

It's your birthday, do what you like

BarryTheKestrel · 17/07/2021 19:03

YANBU. Spend time with the people you care about and who care about you. I have a lot of 'friends' but only a handful I'd ever consider relying on for any type of support. Close friends are worth their weight in gold, other friends are great for socialising.

Original poster

wheretheedgeoftheworldis · 17/07/2021 19:11

@BarryTheKestrel that's the thing, it is fun to socialise with those other friends and so it probably would be more 'fun' with them in attendance, however, for some reason I just don't want them there pretending they care because they don't any other day of the year.

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thevassal · 17/07/2021 19:23

You sound a bit overinvested from what you want from your "friends" tbh. Surely its normal to have a small group of close friends and then a wider circle of acquaintance- friends, whom you might not see every day but catch up with on the big occasions?

It doesn't make them "wishy washy" it just makes them normal friends rather than family or "best" friends. I certainly have groups of friends e.g. from school where I know the big details of their lives like marriage, kids, new jobs but don't necessarily speak to them every day or even even month but are there for each other when needed and have a great time when we do see each other.

Saying they don't have your best interests at heart sounds so overdramatic! Unless they actually sabotage your life in some way of course they probably wish you well, but their priorities are their own family, relationships, closest friends, etc. Sounds like they think of you as a friend just not their closest one, and that's completely fine and normal! It seems like they've always invited you to not only their big events like weddings but smaller things like their birthdays too, but just because they aren't ringing you every night you want to spite them, and yourself, by not inviting them to your party even though you admit it would be more fun with them there.

I mean do whatever you want but as you haven't given any actual reasons that these friends have done anything wrong other than not centre their entire lives around you it seems a bit petty..

Original poster

wheretheedgeoftheworldis · 17/07/2021 21:25

@thevassal you might be right

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Moonlaserbearwolf · 17/07/2021 21:29

@thevassal

You sound a bit overinvested from what you want from your "friends" tbh. Surely its normal to have a small group of close friends and then a wider circle of acquaintance- friends, whom you might not see every day but catch up with on the big occasions?

It doesn't make them "wishy washy" it just makes them normal friends rather than family or "best" friends. I certainly have groups of friends e.g. from school where I know the big details of their lives like marriage, kids, new jobs but don't necessarily speak to them every day or even even month but are there for each other when needed and have a great time when we do see each other.

Saying they don't have your best interests at heart sounds so overdramatic! Unless they actually sabotage your life in some way of course they probably wish you well, but their priorities are their own family, relationships, closest friends, etc. Sounds like they think of you as a friend just not their closest one, and that's completely fine and normal! It seems like they've always invited you to not only their big events like weddings but smaller things like their birthdays too, but just because they aren't ringing you every night you want to spite them, and yourself, by not inviting them to your party even though you admit it would be more fun with them there.

I mean do whatever you want but as you haven't given any actual reasons that these friends have done anything wrong other than not centre their entire lives around you it seems a bit petty..

I was about to write something like this, but you’ve already said it better! OP, it’s perfectly normal to have a few close friends and then some slightly less close friends. Doesn’t mean the slightly less close friends don’t care about you! But absolutely, it’s your birthday and you can celebrate it how you chose.

GiantWingedWaspMoth · 17/07/2021 21:34

I find it odd that you need your friends to know what's going on in your life and 'have your best interests at heart'. Honestly, do you know what's going on in all of your friends lives at any given moment?

My best friends, the ones that I would jump in front of a bus for, live in different parts of the country to me. We check in from time to time - usually when there's something big going on, or we have time to go visit. But there have been times where I haven't seen them for, literally, years. They would still be the first people I would want to invite to any big occasion.

It's a lot to ask of a friend, that they keep up to date with your day to day, in my opinion.

youdoyoutoday · 17/07/2021 22:07

At the age of 41 I have about 3 close friends and I had many mates in my 20s. Much happier now as these friendships mean more to me

thevassal · 17/07/2021 22:17

It's a "big" birthday, we haven't had much to celebrate the last year and a half...why not do both? A night out or drinks with all your friends and theatre/spa/football game/mini break (whatever you enjoy) with just your closest friends? Apart from anything else doing something with just three friends you only need one to be busy that day and then someone to get a covid ping and you're down to just one and it's not much of a celebration....

Don't stress so much about it, there are so many threads on here with women sad they don't have any friends and you've got a close group and wider ones to just chat too, you're good!

Original poster

wheretheedgeoftheworldis · 17/07/2021 22:34

@thevassal I was thinking that...that's a good idea. My birthday falls on a Saturday, so I was thinking on the Friday do the family celebrations and my two best friends would come to that. Then the bigger thing with everyone on the Saturday night and then the Sunday could do a spa day with the 3 closest ones the following weekend (not the Sunday due to hangover )

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mellicauli · 17/07/2021 22:49

Do what you want for your birthday but you can't really expect 13 people to be there for you, being your "rock" through thick and thin. How could you ever reciprocate?

Some friends are close friends. Some people are fun friends. People move between the 2 groups at different times in your life. It's just what happens. It doesn't make them bad people.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/07/2021 22:53

So you dont want them there because they aren't in your life every day?

Do you message them daily? Do you know the inner workings of all of their lives like you might for your best friend? How do you find the time to give so much to all 13??.

Or are u similarly not present yet still invented