Withered by my 16 year old son

[Maude07]

Thoroughly withered by my son at this stage. He's 16 and a good kid at heart but just seems to think he's fully grown and doesn't have to listen to me. I have to hound him to get help around the house. He's consistently broken curfew. The proverbial straw came last night when he was detained by Gardaí after being verbally abusive to a beangarda.. I don't know how to effectively punish this... Please help

What action will the Gardai take?

Maybe the wifi password is your friensd here, change it and take his Xbox or whatever gaming console he uses until b
He can be respectful. Or take his bedroom door off its hinges, that works well.

Take his phone, tablet, laptop, games console and his bank card if he has one. No pocket money and no way of communicating with his friends. Are the guards charging him?

you have all of my sympathies. I'm a single parent and I've gone down the route of ignoring my son because trying to TELL him what to do only highlights that I cannot control him.

I turned off the internet once and he went bezerk, upended a bin. It was a nightmare.

Is there any HELP? I'm in Ireland too and I feel really on my own.

There is so much buzz about woke this, trans that, but there is no help for the (single) parents / mothers of teenage boys.

I mean, ignoring the behaviours I don't like . I don't ''ignore my son''.

This is the passive side of me showing through, but was he shocked by being detained by the guards or did he think he'd got one over on them, got away with it when he was let go.

I know my son, entitled, lazy, rude teenager that he IS - he would still be shaken to the core to be detained by the guards.

@Maude07

Thoroughly withered by my son at this stage. He's 16 and a good kid at heart but just seems to think he's fully grown and doesn't have to listen to me. I have to hound him to get help around the house. He's consistently broken curfew. The proverbial straw came last night when he was detained by Gardaí after being verbally abusive to a beangarda.. I don't know how to effectively punish this... Please help

Did you have to collect him? I wouldn't have rushed

I would turn wifi off / confiscate phone whilst considering what to do!

Solidarity.

I haven't had to cross this bridge yet, but I have heard from police here (england) that the officers who are decent try to give young people a good scare in the first instance, if it is their first offence, in the hope that they get a big shock and don't do it again.

Liked the comment 'did you have to collect him, I wouldn't have rushed'. Think that would have been sensible.

It can be very tough being a single parent, especially if you don't have a united front with the dad, (or they don't exist, or are an absent parent, or just generally crap at discipline).

I'm not sure about the 'take his phone etc approach'.

I tried this with DD when she was younger, and it didn't work because she panicked which i can quite understand. In a pandemic more than ever it is their means of keeping themself safe.

Also if they have finished school, it is a tricky time.

Can you cultivate a contact with the local Garda? Is this possible, I understand that some are crap but I've gone along this route. I've been very strict with mine and if I suspected that DD was up to no good I would consider asking them to come round and have a word with her.

Luckily I haven't had to do this. The friends she has the parents are actually really strict so this is a help for me as a single parent.

A lot is about boundaries isn't it? Can you find ways whereby DS can safely 'break rules'? Things you know about?

I'm thinking community graffitti project? Music? Being a DJ/

Helping out in outdoor thing?

Consequences around chores are really tough at that age. Especially if you are on your own. They do push back and you get the flack, usually.

I try and cultivate a personality whereby it slides off me like water off a duck's back. Eighty per cent of the time I manage but sometimes I feel hurt and the only thing that helps is getting out of the house quick and taking myself to lunch so that I don't have to do the washing up!

Just some ideas. They might help. They are all different and it is such a turbulent time potentially. Such a transition. Good luck

@ElizaLynn

I would turn wifi off / confiscate phone whilst considering what to do!

OH i DON'T know about this.

This highlighted how little control I have over him. He RAGED AT ME. And I cowered, scared, and my dd was scared. He towers over both of us. I feel it exposed our fear of him.

If you're going to turn off the internet, I'd do it while he's asleep, so that you're not interrupting a game.

@beigebrownblue yes, the lovely guard I spoke to offered to do that. (Give my son a bit of respectful fright) but we both decided to hold that card.

I may well take them up on the offer but I don't want to play that card too soon.

ItPearl.
You need to stand your ground with your son. No matter how hard it is. Do not show him weakness. Do not show him you are scared. Face up to him.

Before anything happens and when he is not in a foul mood call him for a conversation and Tell him calmly that xyz needs to be done/ is happening and if he doesn’t do what is required the internet is off. End of. This is his warning, you are informing him now, no other warning will take place. Explain that actions have consequences. It is YOUR house and YOU pay for the internet. You can turn it on and off as you see fit.
If He wants to act like a twat then so will you.
You must be strong. And firm. Do not let him rule you and scare your daughter.
Good luck. It’s hard but you really need to assert your authority and nip this in the bud before he gets out of hand.

Well done. Understand.

If you are on your own it is kind of a case of needing to build your own system of keeping them in check, isn't it?

It really is tricky if they are sixteen. Think they can do everything don't they sometimes? The rules should be though 'not in my house' surely?

In an argument I have said that if DD doesn't like my rules she needs to find somewhere else to live.

If you are in rented or social housing, then if they do anti social behaviour you can lose your tenancy.

They have lost control over so many things in pandemic, I think this is where the anger comes from. And that bit of it I kind of understand.

How about reverse psychology, putting him in charge of something in the house...or generally.

If they are sixteen you can't take bank card off them, but you could ask them to do chores in exchange for a weekly allowance. Give the a list?

I know they should be doing them anyway but sometimes you have to go with what works...

You could do the weekly allowance thing in exchange for chores and tell him he has to pay for his own phone/minutes out of it?