To not have the strength for any of it, to be stuck

[lemonadecar]

I'm having a bad time but felt very upset earlier realising that I am completely empty and worn out, and I don't even have the strength to change any of it.

It's been a terrible year, but I also haven't been happy in my home situation in a long time. I do have little children who are completely lovely and I love being a mum. But I recently figured out that my DH is abusive. It has been exhausting for me to put so much effort into considering the past in a new light and into opening up to a few friends.

Mine and his energy levels are far apart. I have noted how, by the time he's cycled round to pretending everything's happy again, he is almost invigorated, while I am completely nervously exhausted, and so run down. It takes it out of me. He seems unfased, almost as if these episodes of what he calls 'me arguing' give him energy. He looks on top of things, his career is going well, while I am like a ghost - so used up.

He has all the money and by far the higher salary. He also is not easy to negotiate with, is Jekyll and Hyde, and will emit a subtle danger as soon as anyone looks like they might disagree.

I would love to leave, but I hardly have the energy to do the basics, let alone all the things I'd need to do, the extra strength I'd need for that push. It just feels so hopeless. It has been such a long time since someone cared how I was or really even asked and gave me a hug, it is like being starved.

What can I do. Has anyone been in this situation?

Also I suppose I posted this as I am kind of dreading the summer holiday

I've been in an awful relationship yes. With young DC and no plan about how to leave. I knew I had to break the chain of abuse and get away but knowing it and doing it were worlds apart.
We ended up having a huge row about a minor thing one day and it was like the window to reality opening. We'd argued for years and I was miserable but this row was a game changer and I knew right then I had to get me and my DC away.
Do you have anywhere you can go? What do your friends say about it all?
I know how daunting it is but I also know if I'd stayed with him I'd be a shadow of the woman I am now. It was tough but i have no regrets. I hope you manage to feel the same resolve and to make your getaway too.

Is there any way you can see a counsellor? It might help to talk to someone about what you're going through. Can you talk to family or friends? Be kind to yourself.

Sending love. Can you contact woman's aid and get some advice? No need to
Take action straight away but it may help you start thinking of the process and getting prepared.

I've been where you are and I understand the feeling of lacking the energy to do anything about it.

Be kind to yourself. See a counsellor to try to focus on what you want and what your next steps are. Take your time.

But also listen to your instincts. It clearly is not a happy or supportive marriage and long-term this is not going to be a great environment for your children.

@lemonadecar how are you op and how are things?