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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What would you make of this?

25 replies

mazarazer · 16/07/2021 11:31

My DF has always been verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive to both myself and my DM. I won't bore on about all the crap things he's done. He had a very bad start in life, I feel sorry for him but the longer someone treats you like crap the less pity really means iyswim.

There's one thing he did that has got stuck in my mind and I am wondering what other people think of it, how bad it is or isn't in isolation.

At one point in my past I had a job in I.T. It was well paid, I had great people to work with and there were opportunities attached to it..these were to study alongside working etc.

Me having this job seemed to enrage my DF and create this kind of seething jealousy in him. At the time I barely spoke to him and avoided him like the plague so it's not like I was sat in front of him bragging or something. The job did give me some confidence in myself, which I didn't have a lot of. If my DF ever meets a truly confident person (and I mean confident not a show off) he has this same kind of seething rage response.

Anyway to cut a long story short he went on a mission to get me out of this job and away from the educational/qualification side of things. His raging combined with my enabler DM's batshit actions pushed me to, against my own feelings, quit. I know for people who haven't experienced long term abuse/abuse through childhood from caregivers you love and want to please that this sounds crazy. It's taken me many, many years to get to a point where I can see all this clearly. When these people get what they want there is a bit of calm and even pleasantness in place of all out warfare and it's hard not respond to that when you don't fully understand that it's manipulation.

So to the point. A couple of years ago I caught DF with the reference letter I got when I left this job. He had meticulously gone through what would have been a big folder of papers and taken out this one thing. He was sneaking it out of the house to throw it in the outside bin, so no one would see it in the liners and know what he had done.

If that wasn't odd enough, it was his ott guilty reaction, literally dithering and twitching and refusing to hand me the paper back. He kept repeating that it was just a piece of paper and he was tidying up. I said it was a piece of paper with my name on it so he could hand it over and I would tidy it up. Despite being very cowed by his bullying, now and then when I could see how nuts some behavior was I would be able to stand up for myself.

The thing is...this seems such a petty thing to be so determined to do. It got me thinking back over the years to all the times I now realize he sabotaged me, sometimes in really convoluted, twisted ways over years. It also has made me question how many times he did this when I never realised. Maybe lots, maybe never.

I am NC with him now and trying to get help with all this fallout. I've purposefully not given other examples of his behavior and I am really asking...if someone did nothing else bad, how bad would you think this was?

OP posts:

Yourteaisgettingcold · 16/07/2021 11:38

But he had done other bad things.

Anyway, if an entirely different person had done this I would NOT be happy. It would make me question my relationship with them and why they're doing what they're doing.

Thelnebriati · 16/07/2021 11:38

He tried to destroy a reference letter, I'd leave for that one incident.
I have a very low tolerance for abuse - I had a bad childhood and can recognise the major red flags and protect myself.

Orgasmagorical · 16/07/2021 11:42

How long after the event was he throwing away the letter? Had you moved on and were working elsewhere for a while? If it was fairly soon after and he was obviously hoping to sabotage your chance of succeeding somewhere else it would be a bit more understandable (from his point of view, obviously) but if it was years after the event it seems even more batshit crazy than it already does.

I'm glad you're NC and having help, it sounds like an extremely difficult relationship to have to deal with

FetchezLaVache · 16/07/2021 11:42

Something like this would never come outside a context of other shite behaviour, though. There's no way an otherwise loving parent who totally had your back would do something like this.

ChainJane · 16/07/2021 11:42

Trying to screw up your life by throwing away the reference letter is enough reason to go NC on its own.

If there's a catalogue of other abuses then it's a no brainer really. That may not be what you want to hear or an easy decision but it's definitely the right one.

SmileyClare · 16/07/2021 11:44

Your father sounds like a sociopath.

Original poster

mazarazer · 16/07/2021 11:45

@Yourteaisgettingcold You're right there is a cumulative aspect with this. I just still question myself sometimes and wonder if I'm overreacting to certain things.

@Thelnebriati I'm sorry you had a bad childhood, I hope you are very happy now. I really need to work on boundaries and what I will and won't tolerate.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 16/07/2021 11:46

Their conditioning of you is making you minimise how bad they are. This is a fear response to going NC. It's scary making big changes. This is bad, this isn't how you treat your children, or other people. You need to break free. The emotional and psychological abuse is more difficult for the abused person to quantify, so we look for actions, but abusers are clever and we are ground down. You have every reason to go NC.

Original poster

mazarazer · 16/07/2021 11:52

@Orgasmagorical It was years later. That shocked me as much as anything, that it was still on his mind enough after so long. The folder was tidied away and plain, contained other things etc. So he must have been determined to find that one thing.

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 16/07/2021 11:54

Have you heard of the boiling frog syndrome? If you drop a frog into a pan of hot water it will jump straight out; but if you slowly turn up the heat, it doesn't notice.
Abusers always escalate. Clever ones do it slowly, so you get used to things being the way they are now.

Original poster

mazarazer · 16/07/2021 11:59

@Ponoka7 I have become very ground down. I'm working on changing that slowly. The big change has shaken me up a lot, in my confusion I thought that while my parents weren't exactly the Waltons that we would always be in each other's lives. There's also an aspect of feeling like all the years before were a lie or an act and I was the only one who thought it was real.

OP posts:

Original poster

mazarazer · 16/07/2021 12:06

@Thelnebriati The boiling frog analogy is very fitting. I said to my DP around the time I went NC and started to think about things that had happened...that basically something really bad would have to happen to even ping my radar. A healthy (is that the right word here) person would have been out the door and down the road.

When I went NC my DF sent a letter to my partner, who he has never even met btw. My DP said the whole thing sounded like it had been written by someone who was absolutely mad. Funny because my DF always tried to insist I was mad. I spent years trying to figure him out and figure out how to improve the situation, really you just have to block these people out as far as I can tell.

OP posts:

MistyGreenAndBlue · 16/07/2021 12:09

No. Even in isolation, this is a demented and controlling thing to do.
Be assured, you are NOT overreacting.

Notaroadrunner · 16/07/2021 12:12

Well it's refreshing to read that you are now NC with him. How about your mother? Do you speak to her? If so be careful as she may well try to manipulate you on his behalf.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 16/07/2021 12:16

The letter to your DP reminded me of my ex
A year after we split he sent a series of absolutely insane messages to almost everyone I knew. Spitting and frothing about what a dreadful person I was.
These were sent to my stepdaughters, my landlady and even the DWP got an angry phone call.

He had no self awareness of how he was coming across. My landlady called the police to check on me, he sounded so mad.
I'd guess your Pa is the same type. He thinks his behaviour is normal and he has a right to treat you this way.

Hope you get away from him

Orgasmagorical · 16/07/2021 12:41

I spent years trying to figure him out and figure out how to improve the situation, really you just have to block these people out as far as I can tell.

That's exactly it, there is no figuring out the behaviour because it never makes any sense, it's all about controlling you, hurting you or having power over you. The only thing I've been able to conclude with my circumstances is that the perpetrators also had bad things done to them in their upbringings (although it goes without saying not all victims become abusers).

You really do have to just walk away but it would be a rare person who could just shrug off years of abuse. I have found counselling a great help. I'm sorry you've been through this, mazarazer

Original poster

mazarazer · 16/07/2021 13:25

@MistyGreenAndBlue This thread has been really helpful in showing me I'm not overreacting. I've been trying to counteract "washing machine thoughts" recently and so if something gets stuck in my head I try and make a conclusion and then move on.

The letters to other people thing is bizarre isn't it? Kind of like trying to force their thought process and conclusions onto others.

Knowing him as I do..classic misogynist..I think he thought my DP would have an almighty row with me, mock me and say I was messing his life up, because that's what he would do in that situation. In reality he scan read it, handed it to me, asked if I was OK etc. That's when I asked my DP like, what do you think of all this and he just simply said whoever wrote it was mad. So like your landlady was instantly able to see your ex was the real problem, even as he tried to insist it was you.

When I saw that letter though (and a few other nasty texts/emails) I realized the situation was untenable and unfix-able. And not because of me.

OP posts:

Rainbowsew · 16/07/2021 13:33

Not read thread but from that one post that is one of the most disgusting things I have ever read from a person who should proud of your achievements and encouraged you every step of the way. I can easily believe you are NC.

I shall read the rest now but I doubt you are in the wrong in any way...

billy1966 · 16/07/2021 14:04

God help you OP.

What a nasty batshit sociopath.

Thank goodness you are NC.

Live your best life and be happy.

People like your father hate that.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 16/07/2021 15:01

The letters to other people thing is bizarre isn't it? Kind of like trying to force their thought process and conclusions onto others.

This is it exactly. Narcissism at its finest.

He even added contact details for my stepdaughter in case they wanted more information ffs.
No clue!
They were terrified of him.

The woman from the DWP was completely bemused by his phone rant and said as much.

It's most definitely not you. Stay strong and take care.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 16/07/2021 15:06

Oh. And it sounds like your DP is a good guy.

Makemineamediumone · 16/07/2021 15:30

You might benefit from the stately homesthread on the relationships board

Thelnebriati · 16/07/2021 15:53

Good idea, I think this is the current thread;
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4265761-June-2021-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes

hawkehurstgang · 16/07/2021 15:53

Just this one incident alone is really, really bad.

NumberTheory · 16/07/2021 17:01

This one incident would probably destroy an otherwise goo relationship for me. This is really bad. There had to be a huge, deliberate crossing of boundaries for him even to be in a position to have the letter in his hand wouldn’t there? To then deliberately try to get rid of it - an act that can provide no benefit to him except the satisfaction of knowing he had hurt you - just, wow.

Of course, a single incident like this wouldn’t happen in an otherwise good relationship because the level of narcissism and entitlement someone would have to have in order to do that would mean a truly good relationship couldn’t exist.

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