To not feel strong at all

[idontfeelstrong]

My mum has had problems for years. Not sure what exactly . It looks and sounds like dementia but they aren’t sure . Lots of increasing cognitive issues, behaviour changes, personality changes . She’s not recognisable at times .

She’s only 55 - I’m thirty . I haven’t had kids yet, I’ve been her carer for years.... now family are talking about moving her into sheltered housing and I keep thinking I’ve failed her . I’m heartbroken .

My friend texted saying stay strong and I can’t, I’m devastated and sitting awake desperately googling for any other illness that could cause mums symptoms that isn’t dementia .

I can’t do this . My mum is my only reason for being. I haven’t got a life otherwise . What do I do?

This sounds so tough,your poor mum and you.i hope you are ok and have some support,you sound like a wonderful daughter xx

@Defeatedbylife

This sounds so tough,your poor mum and you.i hope you are ok and have some support,you sound like a wonderful daughter xx

I’ve got a mental health worker/therapist, and I’ve got suooort via uni too - but it feels too much, I’ve got my own mental health that sort of flared up a couple of weeks ago too .

But relative came to visit mum earlier this week and she was shocked and said, mum isn’t well .

I had already told my friend last week in her car that I thought mum had dementia . I nearly vomited after I said it, because of the implications on everything else .

My mum wanted to be a granny, I haven’t done that for her and realistically I can’t but I keep thinking of all the ways I’ve failed her . I’m so tired I’m even struggling to keep the house clean .

Implications of me saying it out loud, I mean .

My friend has been texting all evening and holding hand from distance but I’m not able to sleep ; my mind is churning and making me feel sick .

I'm so sorry for everything you're dealing with. If I were you, I would investigate the possible link to menopause for your mum's issues. Hormonal induced dementia is very real, and in some cases, can be extreme.

@Aquamarine1029

I'm so sorry for everything you're dealing with. If I were you, I would investigate the possible link to menopause for your mum's issues. Hormonal induced dementia is very real, and in some cases, can be extreme.

They thought that as well but her periods stopped years ago I think; mum doesn’t remember when they stopped . Was having hot flushes but they’ve all but stopped too .

She’s lost 5 or 6 stone, she’s really skinny all of a sudden and she’s sleeping a lot more .

She doesn’t really talk much to me anymore, she doesn’t instigate conversation - like she won’t say to me, ‘remember when?’ . When I talk to her she laughs but she doesn’t ever start a conversation with me . She thinks her friends that she knows online only come to visit her . When people FaceTime she thinks they’re actually in the house with her . It’s bewildering and exhausting . I can’t ask her to do anything now - because it isn’t done right eg dishes are just run under cold tap, if she wants to fry veg she sticks oven tray on hob and tries to use it as a pan ... if she wants an onion she chucks the entire thing in tray ... she’s a chef . I’m so so tired as have to check everything or supervise constantly . I’m so worried and scared . She’s cottoned on that family are looking into care and has spent all day in tears saying she doesn’t want that, so I feel horrendous guilty for even suggesting it .

Firstly you have not failed your mother in any way so please stop thinking you have. You sound lovely and I'm sorry to hear your mum is unwell it's an awful situation to find yourself in.
Has your mother been referred for any tests? Are their any genetic illness that run in her family that you've ever heard of?

You're expecting a lot from yourself. Be kind to you, you are only a human being, you can't easily be looking after your mum and finding a life partner too. It doesn't seem to me like you have let her down, you seem very caring. I do hope things are better than you fear.
You sound like a lovely daughter (son?). Please talk to professionals on this, there could be a variety of (treatable) reasons for your mums behaviour. Best of luck.

@Neiphin

Firstly you have not failed your mother in any way so please stop thinking you have. You sound lovely and I'm sorry to hear your mum is unwell it's an awful situation to find yourself in. Has your mother been referred for any tests? Are their any genetic illness that run in her family that you've ever heard of?

She had a normal CT head about two years ago and told at that point they strongly suspected it was some sort of functional disorder but couldn’t rule out dementia entirely . Last appt was just before Covid but at that point she was functioning much better, since Covid she just seems to have stopped everything .

GP just shrugs and says don’t worry about it, but I do .

No genetic illnesses that we know of other than heart disease and vascular dementia; but GP said scans would have shown degeneration if it was that .

GP seemingly ringing again next week and the week after; one appointment with me and the other with mum too . She’s got to go for bloods as well .

Thank you - am daughter .

Has she been seen by a neurologist or other specialists? If not, you need to demand her care gets escalated to one.

@Aquamarine1029

Has she been seen by a neurologist or other specialists? If not, you need to demand her care gets escalated to one.

She has yes, sees neuro doctors, phoned them this morning (well, supposenits joe yesterday morning!) and they said they’ll ring back as soon as they can - said probably needs reassessment in clinic .

idontfeelstrong, you have certainly not failed your mother. All the love and care in the world is not going to stop someone being ill and your mother is ill. Don't beat yourself up, it's not your fault.

If your mother goes into sheltered accommodation, she will be looked after and you can see her whenever you want, keep an eye on things, etc.

You are still young and will adjust to new circumstances; there is no reason to think you won't be able to make a life for yourself.

OP - I am your mother's age and I wouldn't want my daughter to sacrifice her life for me.

You have not failed her in any way. Sheltered housing might be a good option for her. Then you can stop being her carer and go back to being her daughter

Thank you

Council phoned earlier and said an OT is coming round ASAP to assess everything . Mum is devastated says we’re sending her away and keeps crying saying she doesn’t think she’s ill . I desperately don’t want her to be, ive spent all night trying to convince myself I’ve imagined it all or being silly . I haven’t talked or anyone about this for so long that relatives are largely bewildered .