Not to keep up XP's bullshit and lies?

[VictorianSqualor]

DD's bday yesterday. Her father and I split over 2 years ago, and he hasn't given two hoots about her or DS since.

Haven't heard anything from their family for about 3/4 months, then I got a couple of messages, they'd obviously realised that it was DD's bday soon.

I had already planned the weekend but arranged to meet them (xdp's sis and brother, &their partners and kids) at a local playcentre so they could spend a few hours with them.

They turn up today, late, no sign of xp's brother, just sis(&family) and xp, driving his brothers car (every time they have had the kids lately there has been some kind of lie about how XP wont be there and then I find out he has been)

Anyway, get the kids back and get hear some cock n bull story from DD about how her Father had bought her a jewellry set and left it at home, apparently he was in a rush. But he did manage to give her and DS some PJ's (from a shop I know he would never visit, and just happen to be exactly the same as the ones his SIl had already told me she had bought, yet the present from her was nowhere to be seen).

I almost know for definite that what has happened is xp's sister has gone round his house, and dragged him out of bed this morning, telling him he has to come see DD.

Theyve got to XP's DB's house, found out his daughter is ill, so been lent the car to come over anyway, and XP has mentioned not having bought DD a present, XP's DB&SIL, would be disgusted but not want to let DD down, so have given him their present and said, say you bought it.

I am so angry and have just sat with DD trying to fill in the gaps of her fathers story, the gaps, she at 7 years old has noticed.

I have agreed to take the kids over to see them xmas eve but I don't want to go anywhere near them, and I don't want my kids to be put through this bullshit every time he fails. I've messaged XP's SIL saying thanks for the PJ's and she has replied saying it's ok, so I know they were from her now, I don't know what I should say to DD, I am normally 100% honest with her, I don't believe in secrets and lies, and tbh I think she probably knows anyway.

AIBU in not keeping up his facade?? Everyone else seems happy to lie and cover for him, should I let DD find out on her own, or save her the heartache and tell her now???

(I've told her in the last year or so about her fathers stint in prison and the fact that he took drugs, she saw quite a bit of DV b4 we split)

I can totally understand how angry you are! Sounds like your kids are much better off without him messing them around. However, if your DD is already noticing then I would be tempted to not lie but also not to show her how angry you are..

If she has questions about his jumbled story then I would let her know that you don't really understand either, but you don't know what has happened.

Not sure of legal implications and access and stuff but perhaps making it clear to XP that you aren't prepared for the children to be messed around and unless he can say for sure that this won't happen at Christmas that you won't be bringing the kids on Christmas Eve.

Sorry can't be of more help... He sounds like a real piece of work!

I don't think I'm really in a position to stop the rest of his family seeing them xmas eve, and although I would love none of them to ever have contact with my DC's again, I don't think they have done anything bad enough to warrant me cutting contact.

I'm just really frustrated about the fact that he is a shit father, but because peopel are willing to cover for him the kids aren't seeing it, I suppose.

It's shit, totally understand how angry you are.

But, you can't make him be a good father. You really can't. And she will realise this in time.

The best you can do is what you're already doing, don't show your anger to your daughter just be there for her when she realises. Don't slag him off or try to help her 'figure out' what's going on either just don't comment.

If you rise above it (and be grateful for your sisterinlaw) then your daughter will know you were always there for her.

You're doing a great job

You know what? If you possibly can, I'd laugh about it with her. Make "dad's stories" the amusing family in-joke. Raised eyebrows, laughing about it in the car on the way home, saying "This week's story was the BEST YET." Suddenly he goes from being this feckless liar with the ability to hurt and annoy everyone, to this ludcrous Baron von Mucnhausen character you all have a laugh about later.

Good point LordVenger, she does know when he is lying and that he fucks up all the time, if anything I think she is insulted that he thinks she is so dumb!
First thing she said to me was that he had told her he 'forgot' her present because he was 'in a rush' then gave her the PJ's, she wondered why he would forget one and remember the other, then asked why he was in such a rush, apparently he told her it was because he was excited to see her and she said to me that he must be silly, because everyone knows when you're excited you get up too early!

I think your exdp's sister is well-meaning but misguided and I think it is she you need to talk to.

She is the one who seems to have orchestrated the birthday outing for your DD and her father and to have created the pretence that your exdp had bought your DD a birthday present.

She shouldn't be doing this (although I can understand what might be her motives for doing so) and you need to tell her that if she and her family wish to see your DD on their own, honest and well-intentioned terms, that is fine, but that she shouldn't be in the business of making her brother look like a better father than he is.

They'll play dumb though Anna (it's Lorayn btw), they are like the bloody Mitchell clan, pull together against all others even when it's darn obvious that they are lying.
Even if I mentioned the message I got off his SIL, his sister would say that it was just a mix-up.

They are of the combined mind that as he is her Dad he deserves to see her, and that's it. They won't budge.

Last time they went to stay with his mum, I found out they were at his sisters house and she had gone to stay at a friends house whilst he looked afterthem. That's why I ahdnt heard for them for so long. I just feel like they take me for a mug every time I agree to let DD see them, because I want to be reasonable, but everytime they push it just far enough to have been wrong but not far enough for me to actually say something.

Agree with Anna8888. It is nice that they want to see your DD and remember her birthday etc. but you need to tell your XSIL that you are aware of XDP's shortcomings and that trying to cover for him now with DD isn't working and will ultimately make the situation worse.

Hmm. It sounds as if you don't trust any of them - this wasn't entirely clear from the OP.

If you really don't like your exdp's family, you do not have to let your children see them. It is not for his family (sister or whoever else) to decide that your DD or DS need to see their father and to orchestrate a reunion on false pretences - it is for you and your exdp only to decide whether or not he sees his children and he should not be coerced into that.

I think you can say no to Christmas if you feel that's best for the children.

A far as I can tell, your xp's family are doing best to make him have some relationship with his children. They're probably aware how slack he is and want the best for your dc which, usually, does mean contact with father. I wouldn't play along or not play along - I'd let them take responsibility for his actions by covering up for him for as long as they are prepared to and hopefully your dc will gradually realise how hopeless he is in their own time. Clearly your daughter is bright and beginning to understand but I think spelling it out might have spoiled her day.

I would want to know where they were staying when they were with xp's family and I think that is something that is worth talking to the other adults involved about.

I did know where they were staying, I was told as their nan was working that night, they would go to the sisters for the night, then to nanas in the morning, which I was fine with.
I don't think they expected DD to tell me that the sister had gone to stay at a friends.

I didn't spell anything out to ehr, when she mentioned the PJ's that she ahd already know his SIL had bought for her, and her Dad 'forgetting' the present he said he ahd bought her, I just said that he probably felt bad for forgetting the jewellry set and that he had given her the PJ's so as not to upset her. Yet I know damn well, he the jewellry set didn't exist.

I suppose that didn't help, because it made me feel guilty about lying to her.

I just wish they would let her see the truth, but I'm just as guilty at hiding it really

Sorry, I should have phrased that better "spelling it out would have spoiled her day". I wasn't accusing you of spilling beans or spoiling day.

I really wouldn't feel guilty about anything you have done trying to maintain contact between them unless you think that your dc actively suffer from or do not want their relationship with their father. You have acted very generously and it sounds as if you are doing the very best you can in the circs.

You've hit the nail on the head really.
I don't know whether she is suffering from it.

I know she enjoys seeing her nan and cousins etc, she doesn't seem too bothered when her father doesn't turn up to see her even though she is only in the next street but she does mention that he didn't come round and that he was probably at tghe pub or w/e.

I just don't want her growing up thinking that for some reason or another he doesn't want to see her, it's not her fault and I worry that she'll think it is. But I don't want her to grow up thiking that I stopped ehr seeing him either. I just feel like no matter what I do I'm in a lose-lose situation, and either way she is going to get hurt, which just makes me angry I was stupid enough to have kids with him.

Your xdp could have been MY dad!!!

My advice to you, having been in your daughters position, is don't slag him off as it will upset her but don't cover things up for him either - just be truthful and ask your xsil to do the same. Explain to her that you realise she is well meaning but it isn't really helping the situation.

Maybe xsil is afraid that if xdp doesn't buck up his ideas you will limit your dcs contact with the whole family.

Your DCs will probably realise for themselves the way he is they get older. I wasn't really upset by the way my dad treated us - more confused - but having my mum more than made up for the lack of paternal contact and your kids will probably feel the same.

Maybe you should try and talk to xdp about his actions affected your DD.

I know that these days my dad is eaten with guilt about the way he treated us. His excuse is that if he did come to see us, he loved us that much he didn't think he would be able to leave again!!!

This is a really tough one. On one hand, you are not responsible for the fact that your xp is a shit father and covering up for him; otoh your kids don't need to know that at this stage, they will gradually realise that over the years.

I would do what was previously advised and don't offer any explanations, just say you don't know why Daddy did xyz twattish thing.

I'd advise against setting him up as the family joke, this could deny any real hurt the DC's feel in future as they feel their frustration / hurt etc. is not being taken seriously and it could be interpreted later on as Mummy deliberately turning Daddy into a joke. I'd just try and stay as neutral and non-committal as possible.

It's a horrible situation because in every other area of their lives, we try and explain to our children the ways of the world so that they can make sense of it. It's horrible to have to sit back and watch their bewilderment and confusion as they try and make sense of the mixed messages twats like your xp send out. But the alternative, to sock it to them with the unvarnished truth, is simply not right and not appropriate either. There's no solution really, just consistent management of a problem. And a healthy knowledge of where the boundaries lie, of what you need to do to protect your children from the results of your xp's behaviour and covering up for him. It's sometimes not easy to spot where that line is.