Was I selfish to refer to DS as my baby not our baby?

[ChubbyMsSunshine]

Background: Separated from my husband, frequent spats and I'm trying to limit all communication to text or email at the moment.

Today, STBXH has said that I've excluded him from the minute I gave birth. His example is that the first thing I said when DS was born is "where's my baby?" Apparently this is a perfect example of how I'm selfish and have always wanted it to be just me and DS from the start.

So, WIBU to refer to DS as "my son" in that context? Or should one always show good manners and remember to say "our son" even if exhausted and emotional after 24hrs of labour, high on gas & air, and with 2nd tears?

FWIW, I responded and said that DS is my baby, and he's also STBXH's baby too. I'm absolutely not trying to keep them apart or anything like that; I want them to see more of each other if anything.

Sounds like he is a total dickhead who is trying to make you the scapegoat for his lack of parenting.

Ignore.

He’s being a massive dick, ignore him.

He sounds like a whiny toddler. I'm glad he's an ex!

He's an arsehole

Does he never refer to him as my baby?

He sounds very sensitive and you’re probably wasting time trying to rationalise what he’s saying as you’re already apart.

I use mine and ours depending on the situation.

This daft example aside, do you think you excluded him? A friend did exactly that and it didn’t do their relationship much good.

But as I say, you’ve already split up so as long as you’re doing what you can to support their relationship now, and he’s doing the same, then focus on that instead of the past.

I hope things calm down for you.

I say "my baby" all the time - e.g. I popped out the other week for an hour or so and when I got home I said "where's my baby" to DP in an affectionate, I've missed her so much type way. DP doesn't think anything of it. He also often refers to her affectionately as "daddy's little girl". I don't expect him to always say "mummy and daddy's little girl", that's just daft. But if you are separating and there's bad feeling, these things can then be turned around and used against you I guess. I see nothing wrong with saying it though.

Thank you. I didn't respond to him after a couple of messages as trying to grey rock him or whatever it's called.

But it's still early days and I can't help second-guessing if I'm on the wrong on all this stuff. I've started therapy but still overthinking every argument.

Just not letting him know he's getting to me feels like a victory, even if behind closed doors it's a different story.

I'm certain he's referred to DS as "my son" but obviously I can't name a specific example and I'm not hooked up on it.

Besides, DS was born several years ago, it's not like it happened last month!

Dear OP, I have had exactly the same with my stbexh.
You haven’t done anything wrong. He’s fault finding and this would have been just the beginning if you’d stayed. Well done for leaving.

The first thing I said after giving birth was ‘it’s my baby!’ - I suspect it’s quite common. After all you’d either pushed a baby out of your vagina or had it surgically extracted from your abdomen so you’d be unlikely to be thinking too hard about your choice of possessive pronouns.

He’s a prick.

I can see it now. He’ll be expecting you to say things like : “This is mine and my ex’s son.” in the future.

You both share a child but you’re both individual people. He needs to get a grip.

I agree with everyone else. If you were introducing your baby to others as 'my baby' in front of everyone then that's leaving him out a bit. Saying wheres my baby when it's just come out of you is completely normal, it takes a while to adjust from it being inside you and a part of you, to it's own person and 'belonging to' both you and the dad.
And also as if you can call someone who had just given birth selfish for anything they say in any context! I'm sure most men get called all sorts at that time!
I'd say it's less an example of you being selfish and more an example of him being a nasty petty fucker - instead of supporting you he was making it all about him and his feelings and storing away things you said when you were out of it, to use against you at a future point...I'm guessing to justify his own twatty behaviour ?

No, you weren’t selfish.

I can see why he's your ex. What a jerk.

Well you had a lucky escape! Of course you weren’t selfish, it would be bloody weird to say ‘our baby’ rather than my baby. He is your baby, of course you’d say my baby. Bleh your ex is a dick, good luck putting up with him for the next 18 years 🥲.

what a jerk. I think he is looking for trouble.

Grey rock. It's a turn of phrase any mum would use after birth

What an utter dickhead. Bet you are glad you are rid OP.

You’ll never win with him, will you? So just give up trying. YWNBU at all.

Imagine making that moment about himself a few seconds after you literally gave birth to a child - what an absolute idiot he is. Thank god you're rid of him!!