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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think having kids when you're in a lonely marriage isn't a great idea?

13 replies

BeatieBourke · 15/07/2021 22:15

I have a close friend who is, by her own admission, quite unhappily married to a man who offers her very little warmth, affection, support or love. He also doesn't lift a finger around the house. She already feels run ragged, unappreciated and lonely. She was recently very upset about it all and questioning her choices.

She's just announced she is happily pregnant having been trying for a while.

AIBU to think this is going to be a very tough path for her? It's not my place to say so, and I wouldn't, but I'm struggling to share her happiness because I'm genuinely worried. I know I can't do anything other than just be there for her. AIBU to think that bringing kids into an unhappy relationship because you're lonely is not a great start for a child? And is also going to be bloody hard work for her? Help me constructively deal with my feelings about this so I can be a good friend please.

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 15/07/2021 22:16

Sometimes there is the fear you wont meet someone else and will never have children 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

BeatieBourke · 15/07/2021 22:18

She's always been ambivalent at best about having kids. Of course, that can change.

OP posts:

YawningAngel · 15/07/2021 22:21

Isn't this the phenomenon of the "glue baby"?

Usually followed shortly after by "child of divorced parents"?

I'm sure she's delighted to be pregnant. I certainly hope so. Because if she has any sense of self worth she'll be raising that child alone soon unless she decides to be a doormat.

Piglet89 · 15/07/2021 22:22

This depends entirely on the kind of woman you are but, were I married to a guy like that with the son I’ve got (extremely energetic, Has me run ragged even with a very supportive husband) I would have had a complete nervous breakdown.

On balance, I think isn’t great. Is she the kind of woman who will want to do everything for and with the kid herself, do you think?

Original poster

BeatieBourke · 15/07/2021 22:28

Yes, I think she is, to her own detriment.

I also have a highly energetic run me ragged child. I could not have done it alone unless I lived v near close family and friends with kids, which she doesn't.

OP posts:

Piglet89 · 16/07/2021 06:40

Yeah we don’t live near close family and friends with children and it definitely is really hard at times.

Wjevtvha · 16/07/2021 06:43

Babies put such pressure on relationships that I found it showered cracks that I didn’t even know were there so bringing them into a relationship that already has a lot of problems is not a good idea in my opinion

BusyLizzie61 · 16/07/2021 07:05

@BeatieBourke

Yes, I think she is, to her own detriment.

I also have a highly energetic run me ragged child. I could not have done it alone unless I lived v near close family and friends with kids, which she doesn't.

However, plenty of lone parents manage.

Though not ideal, I also see that from her perspective, at least now she will have a child. The status quo remains, but I think many women are deluded of they genuinely think that most men step up in the supposedly expected "modern way". She knows the lie of the land regarding the husband and maybe willing to manage this to have child/ren. She may put up with this for eternity. She may have a subconscious plan of having children and then leaving...

Right now, you can only support her decisions. Be positive about the pregnancy. Explain you're there for her. You may have to just be happy for her. And then, if or when, it goes pear shaped also be there.

It's not your place to judge. She may have yearned for a child for years, but portrayed this as ambivalent. I also did this as was told in my 20s I'd never conceive, but was a real yearning for years... Long before my closest friends did.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 16/07/2021 07:07

YANBU. I did this and we ended up divorced. Children can't fix a marriage.

Having a child if you are actively planning on leaving is quite selfish as well to be honest and unfair on the child.

Fernando072020 · 16/07/2021 07:22

Yanbu. I feel sorry for the baby in these scenarios. My husband and I are solid, been together 11 years, (10 when our son was born) and having a baby has pushed us so much that I genuinely think if we hadn't been so close and built that ten years of foundation, we wouldn't be together.

ChaToilLeam · 16/07/2021 07:38

It’s absolutely bonkers. But happens so often.

All you can do is be there for her.

LadyGAgain · 16/07/2021 07:46

I used to have a friend like this. Married to a total dick. She did everything. But she was so scared that she wouldn't have a family so had IVF and 3 kids with him. They are now very predictably divorced. But I am sure she would say that yes she's alone with 3 kids but she wouldn't change that for the world.

Roomonb · 16/07/2021 07:57

Having kids in a stable supportive marriage is hard I would hate for my DD to have had a disinterested dad, she’s amazing and it would be so painful to have her ignored or avoided.

I think you don’t really know how you will parent until you have a kid so many women won’t know how utterly disengaged their partners will be until a child is born. If you know what he is already then yeah I don’t think it’s the most sensible decision. I know the impact of my parents behaviour on me and I wouldn’t knowingly put a child in that position.

Having said that it may turn out brilliantly, you never know, but she’s pregnant now so all you can do is be positive and support her through that really god awful 1st year.

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