Arguing about finances

[beeblabs]

My husband works full time and I’m a SAHP. I’m willing to go back to work but we can’t afford the childcare for me to go back full time!

Anyway, my husband has started doing self employed stuff which means he has more money and I’ll be paid less by universal credit! I pay the council tax, water rates, gas, electric, and food whilst he pays rent, broadband and tv license. Only the council tax and water rates come out via direct debit from my account! However, I don’t know how much I’ll be paid with his income changing and even if I do go back to work I can’t do contracted hours due to childcare. Tonight I suggested I cancel my direct debits and we open a joint account for household bills, etc. He says it’s a “knee jerk” reaction on my part and he doesn’t want a joint account with someone who doesn’t trust him. He says he’ll pay back any money into my account, but he doesn’t want a joint account! Apparently most couples “don’t do that anymore”, and it’s a huge ball ache switching over!

Our marriage is hanging on by a thread. I desperately want things to work but I feel like he’s refusing to see things from my perspective and he’s being manipulative!

Is it a knee jerk reaction?

Yes he’s being an ass, childcare is for both of you to pay so you not returning to work benefits him: as it is I don’t think the split of bills is fair- council tax and food is a lot. If you don’t want to pool money into one account then fine but he has to be open to writing down the costs and reassessing who pays what.

It’s not. And it might be time to snap the remaining thread. Bollocks that most people don’t have a joint account, often alongside separate ones, but who cares what anyone else does?

Split up, you’ll get UC you can rely on and help towards childcare plus maintenance.

I expect you’ll find life altogether a lot better.

His working hours put you in the position of a single parent, childcare wise. My circumstances were similar and he had an account that I had complete access to. It seems to me that men want their cake and eat it these days.

It's the reasons why he doesn't want a joint account that would concern me. Did you discuss all of this before conceiving.

Sounds like he wants to keep a tight hold of the purse strings, and all the control that goes with it.

If he honestly just doesn't want to have to have everything in one account, then you can set up a joint account for all the bills, and you both just pay what you need to into that. (Ideally you'd add your income and his, take away all the outgoings, then split the rest down the middle, and then figure out what you each need to pay in)

But I get the feeling that it's not just about a joint account.

How you organise your money becomes irrelevant so long as you both have the same amount of personal money to spend as you wish.

Both me and dh have been the sahp. Never had a joint account. We have always paid money directly into the non working persons account BUT we always had spreadsheet stating all bill's and outgoings.

What an odd arrangement and reaction. DP and me pop a proportion of our pay into a joint account for the bills and any money left over stays in our personal account for spends. He needs to take over the cost of what you’ll be missing and pay his part.

Well, he is an utter wanker. Sorry. He needs to step up and provide for his family like any other normal man, without making you feel like a second class citizen. Disgusting. I’m really sorry, but I don’t know where you can go with this.

He sounds horrible.

In our house DH is the main earner. We had a joint account before we got married- we used to pay in a proportion of our wages to cover all bills. Now all money goes into the joint account and equal personal spends come out into our individual accounts.

I say it on every one of these threads but if you have a family and aren’t combining finances so you’re both as well if as each other then something is massively wrong.

He’s an utter arsehole.

During our relationship I’ve earned more, DH has, I’ve had two maternity leaves and I’m now PT. for all of that time we had the same access to money and a joint account for bills.

Your marriage is hanging in by a thread because your husband is a financially abusive arsehole.

It’s not hard to switch he is being a dick, and what is he hiding? If he doesn’t want you seeing what goes out

I’m quite happy for us to have separate accounts for personal spending but I want a joint account for the rent and bills, etc. If I’m only paid £300 and I have council tax and water (as well as other direct debits) coming out, it means having to ask him for money whenever I want something! He says if I trust him then it shouldn’t be an issue! Well it is as he recently spent hundreds on a bike and FitBit watches! I just cannot reason with him!

Yep, he is being an idiot.

Is he financially abusive in others ways ?

What money do you have for yourself ?

If you went back to work. HE would need to pay half the bill. Its not just down to you.

You would be so much better off with out him in your life. What a nasty man.

Just leave him. This type of man cannot be educate out of the 1950’s.

Sorry OP, you say your marriage is hanging on by a thread - I think it's time to cut that thread and get rid of this selfish prick that you've landed yourself with.

We share everything, it's what marriage is all about after all.