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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what are the consequences of cold turkey??

50 replies

Withdrawalorbust · 15/07/2021 07:56

Name changed for this

So DP has a long history of alcohol issues, for a long time he has drank an agreed amount and stuck to it (3 brandy's per night) however on Monday morning he drank a glass of wine! Said it was because he felt rough hair of the dog etc..

I then said no alcohol in the house or leave.

So there's no alcohol in the house and he's been in a vile mood since. Is this a symptom of stopping drinking or a tactic to make me allow drinking again??

OP posts:

Lweji · 15/07/2021 09:34

You had a boundary and he crossed it.
You set a new boundary.
Will you leave if he crosses this one, or will you set a new boundary?

TheQueef · 15/07/2021 09:35

Of he is still drinking after all that I think it's safe to say he is well into addiction.
It's brutal but what options have you really got?
You making him not drink isn't a viable option.
It isn't your fault, you didn't cause it and you can't cure it.
You need to step back so he has to get help, you can't police this.

Original poster

Withdrawalorbust · 15/07/2021 09:37

I know @Lweji I know ... It's so hard ... I feel sick all.the.time!

OP posts:

TooMuchPaper · 15/07/2021 09:41

You have to get yourself and your children away before even more damage is done. You have had police and social services involvement before - that is serious.

Original poster

Withdrawalorbust · 15/07/2021 09:45

@TooMuchPaper the only thing stopping me from throwing him out is that he will kick off, triggering another police call and another SS referral, I don't want to go through that again. I'm a good mum and my kids are well cared for, loved and clean and have everything they need.

OP posts:

trancepants · 15/07/2021 09:46

@Withdrawalorbust

No 3 probably doubles, the issues are that he used to drink. A LOT more. We had massive arguments, police calls etc ... Since he's stuck to 3 per night and I've given up alcohol completely it's been fine, but the wine on Monday morning just feels like the start of a slippery slope back to help.

It's very possible he was drinking more than you knew about and was in a functional stage that he's slipping out of. Once you live with a chaotic alcoholic your bar for normal is askew. I thought my husband was in recovery for a couple of years about a decade ago because he was so improved from the near death stage he had been in. When you go from violence, severe illness and near constant incapacity someone who is actually capable of working and conversation and not pissing himself or being found passed out in a laneway throughout the week seems to be a genuine improvement. But it isn't really.

It was only after my marriage ended and I started being around non-addicts all the time that I realised that the improved state of my marriage in my husband's functional state, still wasn't good or normal. Better than hellish can still be really, really bad. And you deserve better. We've been separated for years and it's clear to me now that he is in a functional state again and a lot of our mutual friends think he is recovered. But I can see all the constant signs of his dependency and if he lived with someone and had responsibilities to them it would soon start to be clear how addicted he still is.

Let him get help if he wants it. Or not if he wants it. But you need, and I really, really mean NEED, to focus on you. On resetting your normal and what you are willing to put up with in your life.

tiredanddangerous · 15/07/2021 09:52

He's been drinking more than you think he has op. They always have.

PrettyLittleFlies · 15/07/2021 09:53

So many people confuse the alcohol dependency issue.

Your husband doesn't have a problem with drinking. Clearly he enjoys it and intends to continue.

But OP you have a problem with his drinking - and only you can fix your problem. Your choices are to stay with him and accept his behaviour or to leave him.

It really is that simple. I know though that you, like millions who have walked this road ahead of you, will imagine that you can fix him.

You cannot change him.

Lweji · 15/07/2021 09:55

I think you should get in touch with Woman Aid or local equivalent for practical advice.
Also support for partners of alcoholics.
Contact SS yourself, if necessary.

Lweji · 15/07/2021 09:56

What happened from SS involvement? What did they say?

RampantIvy · 15/07/2021 09:59

and have everything they need.

Except a sober dad.

Please don't under-estimate the effects his drinking has on the children.

Councilworker · 15/07/2021 09:59

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
If you're at the stage where you are using a breathalyser to determine if he is drinking or not then it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. He doesn't think he has an issue, is aggressive and rude and you feel better when he isn't in the room with you. What is the benefit to you and your child of him still being around? Does he work? Does he have family or friends nearby? He can stay with them while he gets himself a place to live. He is not adding anything to your life and is damaging you and your child. Would you want your child to be in a relationship like this? Tolerating your partner's behaviour and drinking is modelling what relationships are like for them and means they are more likely to end up in the same position

Shafted2020 · 15/07/2021 10:06

I wouldn’t worry about the ss referral if you are putting him out and he kicks off and you ring the police. They will see this as you safeguarding the kids and acting appropriately and it will come to nothing - if you are following through.

If you are getting in to a cycle of arguments that he is leaving and then letting him back in, rinse and repeat, then they may well get involved again.

Be strong, do what is right for you and your kids and accept any help that is going.

Good luck op

moirarosebabay · 15/07/2021 10:07

[quote Withdrawalorbust]@PausePlease no, he doesn't think he has a problem. He says that everyone drinks like him and that just because "you're super mum and do everything right and are perfect you can't expect everyone else to be"[/quote]
Ugh I don't think you can help him. He needs to want to stop and he needs to admit he needs help. I'd strongly suggest an al alon meeting for you. There are loads of zoom meetings and you can listen and not talk. You are basically the only adult in your home and having to police his behaviour and suffer constantly. I am an alcoholic and 5 years happily sober in aa. It says in our big book that to some extent everyone around us becomes ill as a result of our behaviour and some of the worst behaviour I've seen is when the alcoholic is not drinking they are restless irritable and discontent. You and your kids are bearing the pain of this while he refuses to be an adult and makes you responsible for his moods etc. He needs to want help and admit he's an alcoholic and he sounds so far from that. I didn't drink daily. It's not about how much or how often. It's about using it as a solution and not being able to live long term without it. One drink is never enough.

sailmeaway · 15/07/2021 10:07

It's both. If he sticks to it for 3-4 weeks the Pink Cloud will kick in and he'll start feeling amazing. But he needs support - the mental journey will be much harder

TigersandTeddybears · 15/07/2021 10:21

I would get yourself to al-anon. You cannot control his behaviour, you cannot make him accept he has a problem or that he needs to get help. You can only safeguard your children, and getting enough support for yourself is a big part of that.

He sounds like he is in Massive denial. Also that he might have been drinking more than that, and so I can't tell you whether it's dangerous. I can tell you that as a child of a drinker of this kind, that living in the kind of atmosphere you could cut with a knife has a lasting effect. That just because you cannot see it, that feeling of anxiety and environment of codependency gets In your bones, and you end up usually drinking, or with a drinker yourself (or both). You might not be able to see the problem, bit it's there and your kids will carry it with them.

pointythings · 15/07/2021 10:51

Your partner is alcohol dependent. You can't change him, you can only change how you respond. I would strongly recommend you bite the bullet and end this relationship. Yes, it will be hard, he will kick off and there may well be more SS involvement, but in the long term your children are better off with just you.

The only reason he has been vaguely sticking to a limited alcohol intake is because you police him all the time. You are enabling his alcohol use and that is not a healthy dynamic. I would suggest you contact Al-Anon or a similar support group so you can talk to people who have been there or are still there. I'm the widow of an alcoholic and my mother was also an alcoholic in her final years, and attending a support group has been a lifesaver.

I am sorry that there is no easy way out for you.

annyfadams · 15/07/2021 11:51

For what it's worth, signing up to One Year No Beer (find it on Facebook) might be useful. A relative of mine has had huge success with their approach.

PausePlease · 15/07/2021 11:58

I know there are a lot people who don’t like the word ‘alcoholic’ and don’t think alcoholism is an illness, but I believe it is.

Not in a ‘oh, poor guy, he’s not we’ll’ get-off-the-hook type way. But in so much as addiction is a mental illness, and it’s almost always progressive. The progression might not be linear. An alcoholic might have long periods of controlled drinking. But in my experience, once you start drinking alcoholically, you will almost get worse eventually. If a ‘happy’ medium for him is three double brandies a night, he had to start topping up with wine, and he can only stop if it’s enforced on him by you - it’s getting worse again. Alcoholism always does.

I second joining an Al-Anon meeting to get some support yourself.

PausePlease · 15/07/2021 11:59

Excuse typos, hope you get the point! (@Mumsnet - why can’t we have a quick edit button?!)

welshladywhois40 · 15/07/2021 12:37

Op - just read through your messages and some stood out - happy when he is in bed and he is like another child. It also sounds you are scared of him kicking off.

None of these are healthy things for you to live with. It already sounds like he resents you controlling his usage.

Sadly it all sounds too familiar from life with my alcoholic ex. I used to hope he had drank enough to be passed out when I got back as that was easier to deal with then semi passed out but can still argue.

I stayed until he was arrested for assault after causing a scene. That was me done.

My ex did try and get help and route is the GP. There are outreach clinics in the community and the GP can help make contact

LividLaVidaLoca · 15/07/2021 12:40

What is your domestic situation? Can you leave him? Get your name off the tenancy or is it a mortgage? Ultimately, money and property aren’t as important as you and your kids being away from him.

lazylinguist · 15/07/2021 12:47

You may be a good mum, but your dc will be suffering from living with an angry alcoholic who is angry when he does drink and angry when he doesn't! You can't fix him, OP. Only he can choose to quit or get help. He will not do so through you rationing him and monitoring him. You must not let the threat of him 'kicking off' stop you from making the right decision for you and your dc. He needs to quit (properly, seriously, of his own volition) or leave.

melj1213 · 15/07/2021 12:53

He has clearly been drinking more than "just" the daily brandies or else there wouldn't have been any wine for him to drink - where did it come from?

If your house is alcohol free then he had to have gone out and bought it previously so it was definitely an intentional drink rather than it being opportunistic and if you do have other alcohol in the house then you can't be 100% sure he wasn't drinking other stuff previously.

You can't change his behaviour, he has to want to change, you can only change your response to it. If you're at the point of breathalysing him regularly then you're at the point when you need to be engaging with professional support.

dillydallydollydaydream7 · 15/07/2021 12:59

I think you need professional support. A family friend went cold turkey, had one drink and ended up in ICU for a long time with alcohol poisoning. He's lost around 5 stone, was wheelchair bound for a few months and is now very frail due to the internal damage. It was awful to see. Alcohol support workers know their stuff and they'll be able to put a plan into place to support you both, good luck

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