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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why does the spark fizzle out

45 replies

Lockeddownagain · 14/07/2021 22:28

I've just found out messages when we started going out. They were so loving and passionate. 15years on and we are like flatmates
I have been cried most of the evening its totally my fault but why does it happen did it happen to you

OP posts:
thistimelastweek · 14/07/2021 22:33

Because excitement isn't sustainable.

In a perfect world it matures into something less sparkly but deeper and more meaningful.

Lockheart · 14/07/2021 22:34

Usually because one or both parties stop making the effort and stop prioritising the relationship. This especially happens when children come along. Whether it's simply tiredness and not having the capacity, or genuinely falling out of love.

As an example, when was the last time you actually flirted with each other, bought each other silly little gifts just because, made an effort to impress each other and went on a date night?

Lockheart · 14/07/2021 22:35

@thistimelastweek

Because excitement isn't sustainable. In a perfect world it matures into something less sparkly but deeper and more meaningful.
That's not the same as turning into flatmates though! That's normal and healthy. Love and passion altogether disappearing isn't.
Original poster
Lockeddownagain · 14/07/2021 22:35

Never cos the thought of it makes me cringe

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 14/07/2021 22:36

I was recently looking at some crazy messages between me and an ex. I remember that high, my God.

Holy unsustainable relationships, Batman.

MojoMoon · 14/07/2021 22:37

Novelty is exciting. But novelty will wear off

That doesn't mean every long term couple becomes like housemates though.

Are you friends? Do you have a laugh together? Do you do anything fun together?

The passion at the start is not ALL about sex - you probably also were excited about seeing them to talk, go out, have fun together, cuddle up etc

Do you do any of that still?

Titsywoo · 14/07/2021 22:37

Why is it totally your fault? I think we are more settled and content with each other 20 years down the line but DH and I are still passionate and loving. We still touch each other whenever we pass and compliment each other every day and make sure to have sex regularly. It is easy to get too tired and busy for each other especially if you have kids. Do you want to turn things around? Does he?

DrSbaitso · 14/07/2021 22:37

@Lockeddownagain

Never cos the thought of it makes me cringe
Mumsnetters seem to spend a lot of time cringing. Trying new things and at least attempting to have fun sounds so much better.
Lockheart · 14/07/2021 22:39

@Lockeddownagain

Never cos the thought of it makes me cringe
Sorry I'm not totally clear, are you saying you don't make the effort with your partner because it makes you cringe?

That's probably one of the main reasons right there I'm afraid OP!

If you want the spark back you'll need to do something to revive it, you can't just sit there feeling sorry for yourself and hoping things will change, because they won't.

Original poster
Lockeddownagain · 14/07/2021 22:40

I've always cringed way before mumsnet was a thing.
We dont go out we live in a very expensive tourist town with no babysitter we never try and impress each other I have serious menstrual issues and a health condition so I never feel like having sex and he never does either we are really good friends and super supportive but he never says I love you to our children yes to me no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lockeddownagain · 14/07/2021 22:41

It's not him that makes me cringe its me. Dressing up wearing nice underwear flirting it would be to ridiculous for words

OP posts:
TwinsAndTrifle · 14/07/2021 22:43

I was recently looking at some crazy messages between me and an ex. I remember that high, my God.

Yup. Know that feeling. Short lived because he fecked it all up. But those first few months, probably the happiest of my life.

DisgruntledPelican · 14/07/2021 22:43

@Lockeddownagain

It's not him that makes me cringe its me. Dressing up wearing nice underwear flirting it would be to ridiculous for words
Did you do any of this at the start of the relationship though?
ViewFromTheRoof · 14/07/2021 22:43

What did you do in the beginning of your relationship that you don't do now? What did he do? Why did that stop?

Dh and I have been married for 21 years. We make the effort to listen to one another, spend time with each other, share stuff we have seen or read throughout the day. I still fancy the pants off him and the sex is better than it has ever been and it was great at the start.

All this because we did do date nights, not romantic meals out but made time for each other in the tornado of raising children and all that that demands. Made sure the other person knew that they were loved, cherished and that we were both grateful for the role the other person played.

We are not alone, I have several friends who have been married over 20 years, still love spending time with their husbands.

Lockheart · 14/07/2021 22:44

@Lockeddownagain

It's not him that makes me cringe its me. Dressing up wearing nice underwear flirting it would be to ridiculous for words
You don't have to do that in particular!

What did you do at the beginning of your relationship? How did you express affection? Do that!

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/07/2021 22:44

Because the first flush forever would be absolutely exhausting. If you’re lucky, gentle, loving contentment in each other will be what replaces it.
No reason you can’t still leave messages though.

DrSbaitso · 14/07/2021 22:45

@Lockeddownagain

It's not him that makes me cringe its me. Dressing up wearing nice underwear flirting it would be to ridiculous for words
Hmm, I wear nice underwear and say flirty things to my husband all the time and I don't feel ridiculous at all. I feel rather sexy.

There's clearly stuff going on here. I don't think it's insurmountable and I don't know exactly how you should go about it, but somehow you need to persuade yourself that it's ok to be a sexual being.

If he never tells you he loves you, you need to have a talk. I'd be crushed by that.

Original poster
Lockeddownagain · 14/07/2021 22:45

Hes lost an over 10stone so he doesn't look like the man I fell in love with and he works all the time I did it for a few months but stopped pretty quickly it's just not me

OP posts:
MiaMarshmallows · 14/07/2021 22:47

It doesn't have to. Been with my DP 3 years and we are more in love than ever.
Sorry you are hurting OP x

Stompythedinosaur · 14/07/2021 22:48

It is totally normal for relationships to change over time. In the early stages you are partly in love with the idea of each other - over time you come to know someone on a really deep level and it feels different.

I would take the warm surety of having a partner I hide nothing from, and who I know will love me and have my back whatever, over the transitory excitement of a new relationship.

I don't believe date nights are the be all and end all.

Lockheart · 14/07/2021 22:48

@Lockeddownagain

I've always cringed way before mumsnet was a thing. We dont go out we live in a very expensive tourist town with no babysitter we never try and impress each other I have serious menstrual issues and a health condition so I never feel like having sex and he never does either we are really good friends and super supportive but he never says I love you to our children yes to me no.
Are you seeing a gynae for those issues? I think it might be worth seeing a therapist with a sexual consultancy as well.

As for the rest, you need to start making the effort for each other in whatever ways you can if you want the spark back.

You don't have to go in swinging from the chandeliers or dressed to the nines at the fanciest restaurant in town. But why don't you just have a film together with some wine after the children are in bed, for example?

Lockheart · 14/07/2021 22:52

You also really need to talk to him honestly and tell him how you feel.

Original poster
Lockeddownagain · 14/07/2021 22:52

My period is now 21days late I'm sure its thr covid vaccine but the gp told me it might just be the weather my periods never late. I get no help with it but I spend the better part of my cycle in agony I have about 2days a month were I'm not crying in pain x

OP posts:
CrouchEndTiger12 · 14/07/2021 22:53

@Lockeddownagain

Never cos the thought of it makes me cringe
You've just answered your own question
Original poster
Lockeddownagain · 14/07/2021 22:53

@MiaMarshmallows

It doesn't have to. Been with my DP 3 years and we are more in love than ever. Sorry you are hurting OP x
We were like that at 3years we are now 16years in
OP posts: