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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be hurt by my dads response

24 replies

strangeresponse · 14/07/2021 11:03

So me and DP have discussed getting married for quite a while, to the point where actually we have most of the wedding planned i.e what we want etc we just hadn't officially booked anything and he hadn't formally proposed with a ring or anything (honestly I am not a big fancy proposal and ring kind of person).
Anyway DP decided it was about time we made the plans for the wedding real and so when it has come up in conversation with parents we have mentioned our plans.
My dads response to we are thinking of planning the wedding properly was 'isn't that a bit serious?' this was via text so perhaps I am reading the tone wrong but it has really upset me.
I am 27 will be almost 29 by the wedding, We have been together almost 6 years, have lived together in a different country to parents for 4 of those years. I am just really confused by this reaction, DP and my dad have always got along well although because we live abroad they haven't spent a huge amount of time together. There has never been any inclination he doesn't like my DP at all. I have left the text unanswered because honestly I just don't know what to say.

OP posts:
lljkk · 14/07/2021 11:05

How you tell the story, sounds like an over-reaction.
Maybe your dad is just a bit clueless? Doesn't sound like he opposes the marriage, just that he didn't realise you were serious about this fellow.

did you dad have a good marriage? Bad marriage experiences make people cautious for others.

Lindy2 · 14/07/2021 11:07

I imagine your dad is having a wobble that his little girl is doing something properly grown up like getting married. I'm sure he'll adjust to it soon.

It seems like you are taking things at a sensible pace.

Congratulations on deciding to get married.

Aprilx · 14/07/2021 11:08

Why don’t you say “What do you mean?”

AryaStarkWolf · 14/07/2021 11:14

Bit of an odd reaction alright, I'm with Aprilx ask him what does he mean

Original poster
strangeresponse · 14/07/2021 11:21

@lljkk you'd think a 6 year relationship including an international move would be enough of a hint it was serious. My parents are happily married

OP posts:
yeOldeTrout · 14/07/2021 11:28

was he making a joke -- it's quite few words to try to get a big interpretation out of.

Crunchymum · 14/07/2021 11:29

Yeah I was going to say joke as well?

Cooldryplace · 14/07/2021 11:37

I can imagine my dad saying this but never by text

What he'd mean is "that's fantastic news and about bloody time" Grin I.e. prentending not to realise you were serious would be a joke, as it's blatantly obvious you are.

However, I never understand people stressing over the wording of texts, or for that matter using text for anything other than basic messages. There's so much room for offence to be caused or taken inadvertently because of the lack of tone. But if you're worried about it talk to him, he's your dad!

Original poster
strangeresponse · 14/07/2021 11:38

Maybe it was a joke, I am not usually so sensitive but for some reason this really got to me. I have replied asking what he means.

OP posts:
Chartreuseglass · 14/07/2021 11:39

I think he was being ironic

Ponoka7 · 14/07/2021 11:43

I think it was a joke. I don't understand why you aren't just setting a date, rather than sharing plans that may happen. You might have got a different response if you'd actually had firm plans.

Ponoka7 · 14/07/2021 11:46

Also, when you've lived a bit longer, you realise marriage doesn't mean more of a committment. After living together for six years, there's going to be excitement, but possibly not as much as you'd expect.

TravellingWanabee · 14/07/2021 11:56

If it's any consolation, when DH (we'd been together 10 years, married for 3 by this point) told FIl we were expecting a baby (his first grandchild, DH has a younger brother who wasn't married), FIL said "Oh. I didn't think you'd be the first". And that was it Confused

Maybe your DF just said the first thing that came into his head... I'd ask him what he meant, but maybe it was sarcasm?

Cooldryplace · 14/07/2021 11:59

Your dad probably also thinks it a bit odd that you're making plans for a wedding without ever telling him you're getting married.

Original poster
strangeresponse · 14/07/2021 12:01

@Ponoka7 we are looking to set a date, I mentioned to him we where going to go ahead and get planning properly and we had a venue in mind. He knows we have discussed things in the past so it really shouldn't have been a shock. Nice to add your views on marriage though, I can assure you i'm under no illusions my main motivation is I would like to have the security of marriage before any children are in the picture. I'm not after a fairytale.
@TravellingWanabee oh dear I can now imagine my dad will say something along the same line

I think everyone is probably correct and he was joking/just wasn't thinking I wasn't expecting a big outpouring of congratulations as its been a real slow burn announcement but I hope he isn't seriously unhappy about the thought

OP posts:
Cooldryplace · 14/07/2021 12:06

Thinking about it, my dad would have been very hurt if we'd just started talking about plans rather than making a point if telling him we were getting married. So I think he probably is joking, but also making a point.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 14/07/2021 12:08

We were engaged and needed to buy a new fridge, FIL told us that was a big commitment Hmm Even more bizarrely, we’d been married for a year (been together for 7 years) and bought a house together when we got our dog, FIL told us that a dog was a big commitment and asked if we were sure. By the time we announced I was pregnant (11 years together at this point), we got a “about bloody time”. There’s no winning with some people.

MichelleScarn · 14/07/2021 12:11

Agree sounds like a joke! Moving countries is of course v serious so he's being daft!

Ragwort · 14/07/2021 12:11

It all sounds a bit odd ... surely the first thing you would tell your parents is 'we are getting married' ... to announce you are 'planning the wedding' sounds more like a business transaction than happily announcing the fact that you are getting married Confused.

I have an adult DS and I would find it strange if he said 'we are planning a wedding, the date is X, the venue is Y ... I would expect the first thing he would say is "great news, Sarah and I are getting married" (not real name!).

Cooldryplace · 14/07/2021 12:12

@InTheNightWeWillWish

We were engaged and needed to buy a new fridge, FIL told us that was a big commitment Hmm Even more bizarrely, we’d been married for a year (been together for 7 years) and bought a house together when we got our dog, FIL told us that a dog was a big commitment and asked if we were sure. By the time we announced I was pregnant (11 years together at this point), we got a “about bloody time”. There’s no winning with some people.
A dog is a bug commitment. Not to each other, to the dog!
alfagirl73 · 14/07/2021 12:15

Sounds like a joke/bit of irony/dry humour to me tbh.

Original poster
strangeresponse · 14/07/2021 12:19

I think some people are slightly confused my post probably isn't clear he knew we where planning to get married just that we hadn't been making any firm plans etc. his comment was in response to us now wanting to get going with the planning.
Anyway a very boring conclusion for you, he replied. He was joking and making a dig at the fact we've been discussing this for over a year but hadn't done anything concrete. I was just being overly sensitive clearly Blush

OP posts:
InTheNightWeWillWish · 14/07/2021 12:54

A dog is a bug commitment. Not to each other, to the dog!

I’m aware of that! However, in the context of the rest of my post, my FIL is not talking about making a commitment to the dog but to each other. After we’ve bought a house and got married.

Googlewasmyidea1 · 14/07/2021 13:20

How dare you talk to your parents before you've made any concrete plans OP Confused

Bonkers this place

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