Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS looking at porn

20 replies

realmles · 14/07/2021 08:05

I'm not sure what to do.

DS is 20 and has ASD so he isn't like other boys his age. Last night, he gave me his iPad to ‘fix’ as it had frozen (he does this a lot so its not unusual) I turned it off and back on again and it was fine but I noticed on one of his google tabs, there was porn. I told DP and he said it's normal and I shouldn't do anything. We have tried to talk to DS about consent and sex etc quite a few times but I'm not sure he understands.

Should I put a parental control on his iPad and phone? We never have before as he always has looked at innocent things so I'm not even sure how he's heard the word porn.

Any advice will be appreciated.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/07/2021 08:07

At 20 no, I wouldnt put parental controls on.

Raffles1981 · 14/07/2021 08:14

This is a tricky one OP. Porn online is incredibly dark and can lead to watching some ugly stuff, unintentionally. If you have already spoken to him regarding sex and boundaries and he didn't fully get it, I can only suggest you try again. Parental controls could be considered a little strong but, I would suggest keeping an eye on his Google history and maybe, if it goes to far, do it. Is it possible he came across it through and advert online, stumbled across it?

doingadisservice · 14/07/2021 08:20

You can block types of websites via your WiFi.
It seems a bit extreme for a 20 yr old but your house your WiFi your rules

Branleuse · 14/07/2021 08:23

I have parental controls on. Im pretty sure my 20 year old can access porn on his computer or some other way if he really wants, but I dont think its necessary to have completely open internet, and potentially unsafe for your son to have access to everything he might think of on the family wifi

Lockheart · 14/07/2021 08:25

At 20, I wouldn't. I know you say you've had conversations about sex and consent, but have you explained to him about porn and how it's a fantasy and not real life, and doesn't necessarily reflect the realities of actual sex?

AhNowTed · 14/07/2021 08:28

Your DP is right, it's normal.

And no, you can't put parental control on for a 20 year old.

Maybe have the conversation that's it's not real, and real sex doesn't look remotely like that.

Original poster
realmles · 14/07/2021 08:30

If he was NT, I wouldn't even think of putting parental controls on his iPad. My other DCs have parental controls on their devices but DS has always searched for innocent things so I never thought to put them on.

All the other tabs were innocent/what he'd search for so it could've been an advert that he'd clicked on but I'm not sure.

OP posts:
deragod · 14/07/2021 09:04

Normalised doesn't equal normal (as natural) and good.

PasstheBucket89 · 14/07/2021 09:12

how severe is his asd? how old is he mentally?

TheVolturi · 14/07/2021 09:13

If he is not in a relationship, does he not need some sort of an outlet? He's a man now, regardless of his asd. Unless it's extreme or illegal then I would monitor it I think.

Branleuse · 14/07/2021 09:14

he will be interested in sex and its not as if he will be able to just go out and get a girlfriend. Parental controls dont block everything though, so imo its a good way of making sure he just doesnt get sucked into all the worst stuff out there by accident, but apart from that, I wouldnt say anything. You cant police his sexuality as if hes a child, but you can decide that he wont have full access to the scummy dregs of the internet

ChainJane · 14/07/2021 09:32

It's normal for people of that age to look at stuff. I'm surprised that he wasn't careful enough to prevent you from finding out but that maybe his mental disorder. You could block access to porn from the wifi router but that's not foolproof in any way, he could use "hidemyass" or similar to get around it. (That said, if he can't fix the locked screen himself, he may not have the capacity to use a VPN.)

As for how he has heard the term "porn" I would be astonished if there were more than a handful of 20 year olds in the country who didn't have some awareness of it.

Original poster
realmles · 14/07/2021 09:45

@PasstheBucket89

how severe is his asd? how old is he mentally?
Mentally, he's about 14/15. He can't answer ‘why’ questions, he only answers yes and no questions. He doesn't understand vivid and didn't understand lockdowns and why he couldn't go to certain places. He also didn't understand why he needed the covid vaccine but he did get it with some bribery.

He also needs to be told things ALOT before he actually understands/listens.

OP posts:
bookworm20 · 14/07/2021 10:09

@deragod

Normalised doesn't equal normal (as natural) and good.
This.

And if he has the mental age of a 14/15 year old then yes, put parental controls on. Especially as he seems not to grasp the issues of consent and loving relationships and what is 'normal' in those.

And watching porn seems to be considered normal for young men but it causes so much damage, not just to them but to the young women they get into relationships with and think their sex life should be mimicking the porn they've been watching and been desensitised to.

Alot of it is is pretty extreme. Ask yourself, would you want a 14/15 year old watching that stuff? If its no, then put the parental controls on. If he has trouble grasping everyday stuff, why would you want him exposed to this?

bookworm20 · 14/07/2021 10:12

Also would your DP be as cool about it is your son was a daughter with a mental age of 14/15. Would that still be normal and fine?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/07/2021 10:27

@bookworm20

Also would your DP be as cool about it is your son was a daughter with a mental age of 14/15. Would that still be normal and fine?
If you deem porn watching fine for men/boys to do, then you cant think differently for women/girls, surely?
bookworm20 · 14/07/2021 11:21

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I don't thats my point.
But it seems to be accepted as 'the normal thing to do' for teenage boys/young men.

Just wondering if her DP would be as easy going about it if it was his daughter watching that tripe.

AutistGoth · 14/07/2021 11:28

Does your DS have an autism support worker or similar who could discuss consent with him?

It is very important for everyone to understand consent. This is even more important to someone with autism where unspoken communication can't always be made sense of. I'm autistic myself and I have had 'situations' that I'd rather not be in and did not give my consent to because I didn't understand what someone's intentions were until it was too late.

BiBabbles · 14/07/2021 11:33

With the internet as it is, it's pretty easy for innocent searches without safesearch and parental controls to lead to inappropriate images and stories. Look into pretty much any fandom, even for kids, and it's there.

With a child who struggles more with language and concepts, I'd put in more protections, not less - much like going outside, not having full awareness can make things more dangerous. My DS1 has a few issues with these and we ended up after a few situations and discussions with him where he was both overwhelmed by what he'd come across and also impulse control once he knew it was there so from 13-15, we had the internet browser on his device entirely blocked - at his request - and he only used it supervised on a device that was connected to the TV. Even now at 16, the browser on his phone has a time limit (that and social media are the only ones to still have that) basically as a barrier to compulsive behaviours around it (we're in the process of setting up a laptop for him with that in mind as well, lots of adults have stuff on their devices to avoid things and prevent certain behaviours).

It's something you're going to have to discuss with his father, though at his age, it may be more of a 'what content do we find acceptable in our house' conversation (especially considering the possibility, even if innocent, of showing an image to a sibling or young guest which was a large concern of ours) and how to manage this aspect of his ASD.

YeokensYegg · 14/07/2021 11:41

Definitely block it.
So much of it is dark and addictive not to mention the exploitation.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page