Just need to vent. I'm having a huge mental health wobble, and feel like I probably need to go back on my medication which I've been off for over a year whilst pregnant. I know I'll feel better if I do go back on them. So I will. But I feel pretty shit that my natural self:
(1) can't be patient with my 4yo daughter, and is always ratcheting between trying slavishly to please her and telling her off. I used to be a great mum. When she was s baby and a toddler. Now I am such a neurotic, needy, moany shouty mess. I just can't handle this age/stage at all, can't pitch myself right and we just keep clashing. I'm finding it emotionally gruelling so I hate to think what it's like for her. I'm just not a good enough mum.
(2) can't give my baby enough. Enough time, enough attention, enough milk - nothing. She's such a good, patient, happy baby and I just don't have the headspace to even look at her much of the time unless she's crying. It's utterly unfair and shit.
(3) can't make my partner happy. I don't know what he needs or wants (apart from more sex, which I try to do as much as I can but I just don't want it anymore and sometimes can't bear to even try) but I know it's not me, and the more I try to unravel it the more horrible, needy and shrewish I hear myself being until I honestly just want to curl up and die with self-loathing. Like I feel so shit about myself I just can't help but project that onto others. I'm just a horrible person to be around.
(4) I can't please my parents. I felt like they had such big hopes for me and can't understand why I've come to basically nothing. Like they keep expecting me to "bounce back" and do something amazing and worthwhile instead of just flounder around as a mother and lacklustre professional and I keep disappointing. I went to see them last week and that's prob why I'm in such a state now, I just feel how much they feel let down by me.
I have such wonderful friends but there's no one I can talk to about this - I already feel I am so known for being hapless and insecure, o can't bear to keep drawing on people, being "poor X". There's no coming back from it, I'll always be seen as weak, failing. I can't keep reaching out for handholds, when I don't have any real problems apart from my own shitty brain, it's pathetic. But I feel like I'll explode or run away or scream if I don't tell someone, how utterly wretched I feel in my own head right now. How inadequate to the simple demands of my nice life. How much I'm going to mess up my kids by having no self esteem and no self control to just push these feelings aside.