To wish that DP would look at me sometimes, with a look other than indifference and resentment.

[lucyellensmum]

I honestly cannot remember when my DP looked at me and smiled, like he used to when i would do something silly, or just look at me without an indifferent look on his face.

We had quite a stressful day yesterday (not sure why, but DP was in a foul mood and i always get very anxious about this), i got really upset last night and ended up in tears. I could see him looking at me as if to say, fucking hell, here we go again. DD is really playing up lately so our planned trip out just ended up beign stressful and everyone was just tired and pissed off. The thing is, i have been depressed and im now on ADs but to be truthful, i really think i have fucked things up between my DP and me. You know when you can just tell someone is going through the motions? I am sure he is only with me now for DD. I was sitting in a cafe with him and DD yesterday and i was watching another couple with a young child. The guy was clearly interested in what his wife had to say, and looked at her as if he really thought she was great. It has stuck in my mind and made me feel like shit.

It has got to the point where being with someone who doesnt appear to love me (even though he says he does) is becoming too painful and i wonder if i might be better off on my own. The thing is, i have no money, nowhere to go with DD and i dont want to split them up. She adores her daddy and he adores his little girl. Maybe it would be best if i left, DD only seems to want Daddy now anyway, she is always saying "go way mummy" and im not a shouty horrible mummy and i shower her with love, perhaps ive smothered her.

I know it is vanity to want someone to think i am great, but i can see it in other couples and i think DP is amazing, i just wish he could remember how we were and how happy we were and try and get back to that place, but just now it seems like one long fight.

Big hugs - sounds like you have been having a difficult time...

You don't say how old your dd is? I think its unbelievably stressful having small children and this can temporarily let you lose sight of everything else that is important.

WHy don't you talk to your dp saying exactly what you have posted here and see what he says? It may well be that he loves you but like you is finding everything too stressful at the moment to be able to show you. If the worst comes to the worst and you are right you can best work out together what to do, whether thats counselling to sort things out or splitting up.

Good luck x

DD is two, things have been shit for a while, but i thought we were over all that - i lost my father and was very ill myself after having DD so became depressed and was awful to DP. I just wonder if he can't get past that. I mean, you dont stop loving someone over night, so i would have thought you woudlnt start loving them again just because they are on chill pills and not a demon bitch all the time.

I love my little girl so much, and DP but i am obviously making them both unhappy. Without them, i have nothing to live for. But is my beign around just making things shit for them?

I think you're being too hard on yourself. Most kids go through a stage where they seem to prefer one parent to another. Especially if dd sees you the most, her dad will be a novelty and will seem more exciting.

how about trying to organise a night out with your dh, just the two of you. And start by saying what you've said here; that you have been through a tough time, and taken your stress out on him.

this is all part of the depression, also IIRC, you have had some big financial worries, and that must have been really hard to cope with, you are probably reading too much into it. you are both under a lot of stress. and children know just which buttons to press to get you riled. can you have a nice , quiet meal tonight, with a bottle of wine, and talk and remember the good stuff about each other and about being together? i honeslty don;t think that you leaving would help anyone, long or short term.

ive tried telling DP but it just washes over him now, i have put him through hell the past two years and i cannot see how a nice meal (even if it were possible) would make a difference. Sorry to be negative as your posts are really kind but i just think i poison everything around me if i am honest. My DP is such a loving and caring man, for him to look at me the way he does is like slicing through my heart. I can't see a way out of it. Only for me to disappear from their lives.

wanting to feel loved and admired by your partner isn't vanity!

you do sound depressed though. Are you sure your ADs are right for you? I've tried several and have had my dose adjusted three times, and I am almost human now

Can you talk to him? Maybe if you tried to talk about it without starting out sounding accusatory - maybe start by saying "It's amazing, even after all the stress of the last couple of years, the tiredness etc, I still feel exactly the same about you, I love you so much" - not in a surrendered wife sort of way but just to give him a route to talking about how he feels without setting him up to be defensive?

That's probably useless, people's relationships vary so wildly. What helps me may be totally inappropriate for you. I sympathise though, you sound tired and stressed. It's NOT vanity, nor is it unreasonable to want affection and love.

greensleeves, if i thought being a "surrendered wife" would make him love me again, i would do it, honestly, i would be like a little lamb, but he fell in love with a fiery confident woman and that is the trouble, i would actually rather be the surrendered wife, becuse the firely confident woman is long gone, i just dont have the energy for it anymore

don't know that I have anything constructive to say but you sound so fed up. Greeny talks sense about ADs and it sounds like you've been through such a hard time. Just wanted to sympathise.

Your old self isn't long gone, she's just bloody knackered and needs some tlc! Honestly, when I went through my worst patch, when ds1 was littler, I was lower than I would have believed possible (and I've suffered from depression/anxiety since childhood, so I thought I'd seen it all). I felt as though I had died in the hospital and just this empty shell had come home with the baby. I don't feel like that any more, but it took quite a while to get myself back.

Would you consider a frank talk with your GP about this? Exhaustion and depression are so debilitating, it's no wonder you can't face a big showdown about your relationship.

((((awkward hug))))

greensleves, thankyou so much.

I am seeing my counseller tomorrow, but i dont think she helps much to be honest, probably because i am too unfocused and just waffle on for an hour when i am there.

My depression has really taken its toll on DP, he is under so much pressure too that he has almost had a breakdown. I think that is why i get so anxious when he gets stressed out or we have a tiff. I mean, everyone has days when their kiddies are whiny and awkward and everyone gets stressed about it. My problem is that i want everything to be "perfect happy family" and when DP gets stressed (which isnt very often i have to say) especially with DD i just get so anxious and uptight and start behaving like a simpering fool. Then of course, instead of leaving it and moving on, because i want him to tell me he loves me and give me a big cuddle i push and push and push and it drives him mad. He punched the wall last night out of frustration. All this because DD was crying in a cafe and the service was too slow, we walked out but DD was screaming for an icecream, we didnt know where to get her one and every shop or cafe we tried had sold out or didnt have spaces, it was a nightmare.

Life with small children is so hard. How about turning it all on its head? You saw a couple behaving how you'd like you and your DP to - so, do it. And actually, I agree with the idea of going out for dinner. It is all the little things that add up. You need time together to be interested in each other.

I have to be very honest, I have never had depression, only very dark moments, so what I am saying will more than likely be totally irrelevant. I can only say what has worked for me, when I had 2 under 2, and one a dreadful sleeper - exercise. I came back a different woman - chilled, content, all those things that have been eating me up were in perspective. Obviously, the others are sleep and decent food.

It sounds like you are having a really tough time, but that you still love, and are loved by, your partner. You have a DD - so, things aren't like the ads, but everything else can be worked out.

Its all part of the depression cycle..... My DH had to go through it for years and no matter what he did I was convinced he hated me.

The MAJOR point is that your DP is still by your side...its actions and not words that count...comparing yourself to others will always bring misery, who knows that man in the cafe may have other women on the side and acts that way out of guilt.

We dont know the truth about anyone elses relationships.

I would focus on the FACTs and not your feelings...when we have depression we have no real perspective and your illness is just as hard for you DP as it is for you.

Your DP is with you that speaks volumes to me, I tried to push my DH away to see if he would leave and that would prove to me that I was right....thank God he stayed...keep getting help and dont look beyond your own family and relationship.

how are you feeling lucyellensmum? I was just thinking about you.

hi there, i feel alot better today

I have just spent the afternoon making DP a "laptop". He seems to think that he will become Alan Sugar if he could only have a lap top to take to work and organise himself with. We cant afford it, i think its a waste of time anyway and all he needs is a notebook. So i have constructed a "laptop" out of a notebook, some printed out pages from the PC and a sugar mouse! Oh and some inspirational quotes from Derek Trotter!

I really have lost the plot see!!!

I know what everyone means about the pressure to have the perfect weekend, i do that all the time, try to hard and then its ruined. It only takes one wrong word to send me into a spiral of self pity. When i am not in that pit i can see it, but its such a deep deep hole i can often not see the light even.

Thanks for looking in on my greensleves

Hi, you do sound a lot brighter! The makeshift laptop sounds hilarious, my dh would love that

I do the "everything must be perfect" thing too, I try so hard not to but it's a habit I haven't quite managed to break. I can remember Christmases and family occasions being ruined by the fact that my mother couldn't relax, couldn't let anyone else relax - she was virtually handing out scripts in her quest to create the perfect seamless family event. It's one of my life's ambitions to loosen up and let things slide occasionally. It's hard to shift though - that horror of everything going wrong

Be a bit nicer to yourself as well

glad to see its not just me then. I get to the point where if it isnt going to be "perfect" then i wont bother at all - WTF!

funny - the last thing my counsellor said to me yesterday was - be a bit nicer to yourself! (or words to that effect )

lucyellensmum, it isn't just you. I have a lot of the same issues. And I so agree with the last few posts above.

Anyway, I just wanted to post to encourage you because we went through a very very bad patch 2 years ago, just as you describe, but with a lot of determination, we have really got over it and our relationship is much better than it was. As your counsellor says, I tried to be kind to myself, and also tried to stop being such a perfectionist. I stopped making lists. When things are bad, I work out the absolute minimum I need to do, and congratulate myself endlessly over every thing I accomplish. We live a very quiet life, with not much in the way of 'special occassions' and holidays as I know they turn my into a witch. And I work very hard at 'being happy' and trying to fight the snappy, perfectionist miserable cow inside me, and I am finding that I do feel somewhat happier, just through I'm constantly telling myself that I am.

And I love the laptop idea!

i too went through a stage like this and took a good look at myself i was craving attention but realised i wasnt making it easy for him to give it was full of insecurity kept moaning about it all the time

my dp told me he loved me all the time i blew it off as a yeah right

one day decided i had to change how i was acting planned special evenings once a week dressed up done nice dinner got dvd cuddled on sofa and relaxed

gradually we were communicating better i wasnt moaning as much he felt he could approach me and we are now great we kiss cuddle all the time we have ds 2.6 so have stress too but i make it easier for him to be involved with helping with ds instead of thinking i copuld do it all

i thank him for helping and we now both make such effort with each other it can change if he says he loves you he does its how to get out the rut your in we did it and so can you

i was in that rut for a good yr we rowed every day non stop cried all the time was so low now we rarely argue as we have learnt how to communicate again

only read op.

sweetie, that is the depression talking if ever i heard it!

you can get things back from a rough period if you both want to. it can be as simple as just doing something nice for him each day without an agenda, to get back the feeling that he will want to be nice to you as well.

think about going back to your gp or consider relate. perhaps you are just having a bad few days.

anyway, hth and good luck.

Lucyellen

It does sound like depression - particularly the stuff about you thinking they would be better off without you. All 2 year olds think their daddies are king. Mummies are fror boring telling offf stuff. Daddys do fun things. When I was depressed my counsellor told be it was perfectly acceptable to 'escape', ie, go and have a swim, go for a walk and so I would. I remember disappearing regularly saying I just need 20 mins. Speed and chunter my way round the block and come back much improved. I recommend it. Next time you know you are getting clingy or stressed and you can leave DD with your man then just go. Walking stimulates the endorphines which makes you feel better, you'll be removing your self from his frustruation, he'll find it easier to calm down and so will you.

Best of luck and hope you start feeling better soon. 2 is a really tricky age and remember that you've given up a lot. A man's life can stay very similar - it does change but more gradually whereas we actually have hormones, something majorily physical plus lifechanges. I found during my depression that it made my husband take on more responsibility and he bonded with our son (who was 3). He had to 'cause I kept falling asleep or having panic attacks!

All the best and don't be afraid to do mini escapes - it will get better and won't be like this for ever.

Came to see how things were after reading the op earlier and having one of those 'are you me?' moments. Obviously not, and not least because I'm not in that place at the moment, but go there from time to time. The last time I ended up just blurting to my DH that I'd been sitting in the other room thinking that he and DD would be better off on their own and that I should just kill myself. He told me no, they wouldn't ... it made all the difference in the world. Because I'd been building up to it for weeks, convincing myself that he didn't really want to be with me any more, but it took a real crisis to get it out. With me it's not full-blown depression, I think (this time at least) but it's certainly a very depressive way of thinking, and it's circular - I'm miserable, why would he want to stay with this miserable woman, oh look I've made myself even more miserable, and so on.

DH is also the kind of person who lets things wash over him to some extent - if I'm down he'll ask once what's up, he'll not think to say 'no, you're not alright, what's REALLY the matter?', so it took a big blow-up to get the message across.

On the time together - it might make more difference than you realise. DH and I work in the same building, so occasionally meet for coffee, and even that is a reminder that we exist outside of parenthood. It never ceases to surprise me how much difference that actually makes.

He loved the lap top

Its funny, now i am not feeling so bad (its a cycle!) i look back at my posts and think, gosh, how self absorbed and self pitying can i get?? That is the thing, when i get into those depressive moods its all doom and gloom and me me me me me. I do feel a bit bad typing what i did about them being better without me because i am not suicidal and wasnt at the time, but well, you know how it is.

I know just how it is - I wasn't really suicidal either when having those thoughts, but it was enough of a shock thinking that way to force me to say something about it. Also know what you mean about the cycle, I am slowly learning to recognise this, to take a step back and tell myself firmly that I am feeling awful because something is out of whack, but that tomorrow (or the next day) it will be alright again.

My DH would love that laptop too, if only for the sugar mouse!

you wrote
"i am not suicidal and wasnt at the time, but well, you know how it is"

I know what you mean too. I don't want to be dead; just not here. For me it is always just thinking about running away. Actually, that sounds too purposeful. I just imagine myself walking out of the house and walking and walking and not coming back.

Anyway, it is possible to fight it ...

Glad the laptop went down well.