AIBU wanting to move my kids to a new school because of other parents?

AnnaSerena · 2021-07-13T17:57:05+00:00

I'm seriously considering moving my 2 children from their current prep school to a new local school. It has nothing to do with the school but the other parents. DH works at the school and has recently gotten some hate from parents, some of said parents have also thought it appropriate to make comments towards our children. AIBU to think this is a valid reason to move them to a new school?

MojoMoon · 13/07/2021 19:05

You can move your children for whatever reason you want.

If you think the cons of staying at the school are worse than the benefits, then move.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 13/07/2021 19:23

It's impossible to know whether the other parents are out of order without knowing why they're directing hate at your dh, although it is not appropriate for them to make comments to your dc.

If your dc are otherwise very happy and settled, and this is a temporary thing, then I'd address it or ride it out.

If you think it will go on for some time, and can't see a way to reach an accord, and the other school is great, and you are not wedded to this one, then go for it.

Heavymetaldetector · 13/07/2021 19:29

I have avoided sending my child our most locsl school simply because of the other parents that are there. When I was in a baby group with them they were nasty, spiteful, exclusive and sent me all manners of nasty messages because of a misunderstanding. I have opted for the school in the next village along because I don't know anyone there and I just couldn't face seven years of school WhatsApp groups / playground politics with people who excluded me because of my disability/autism/other during one of the most difficult periods of my life. They have no remorse to this day. Life is simply too short for that

2bazookas · 13/07/2021 19:30

No. It's a valid reason to make a strong written complaint to the school about named parents and exactly what they said.did yo DH and DC.

lanthanum · 13/07/2021 19:53

I think it's a valid reason for the head to speak to the parents and to make it very clear that any complaints or comments should go through the proper channels, and that under no circumstance should the children of their staff be on the receiving end of comments from parents.

I realise that some heads are nervous of upsetting the fee-paying customers, but there are limits to what behaviour should be tolerated for fear of losing pupils.

Macncheeseballs · 13/07/2021 19:56

It may be a valid reason but it won't be all the parents, however I would opt for the closest school anyway as it makes for a better quality of life in many cases

Original poster

AnnaSerena · 13/07/2021 21:12

DH is the deputy head at the school. The most recent incident was a parent screaming at him after school as he was trying to get the kids in the car, she was screaming that he's incompetent because her kid didn't get into the secondary school they wanted.

The main reasons are kids go to the school is because it's easy for DH to do the school run, we know and trust all the staff, and we get discounted fees. Keeping them there they would definitely get opportunities that local schools can't provide, but it also seems to be that other parents take their anger out on our children. Obviously, that's upsetting for the kids and us.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 13/07/2021 21:17

What is The Head doing about it?
Nobody should be shouted at at work like that

LIZS · 13/07/2021 21:17

Presumably that parent is now moving on. Basic etiquette would be that it is inappropriate to speak directly to a child, any child, about their parent

Original poster

AnnaSerena · 13/07/2021 21:27

The Head had a meeting with the parent, unfortunately there's not an awful lot she can do. You can't get rid of the child because of the parents behaviour. That particular family is leaving as the child is in a graduating year. Though there seems to be an attitude amongst some parents (and I have to stress this is only some) that because they've got money everything should be done how they want.

The school writes references for each graduating child, and as is standard practise in all schools the parents do not see these references prior to them being sent. It doesn't stop constant demands to amend them. DH will often get emails throughout the night with parents demanding to see/ change references. Some of these emails become abusive if he either says no or takes longer than they like to respond. On two occasions recently the school have had to take legal action as a result of abusive behaviour from parents.

OP posts:

LIZS · 13/07/2021 21:31

There should be a policy to ensure staff are treated with respect and complaints dealt with more appropriately though. Abuse of any kind should not be tolerated in the school community. He also needs to turn off his email and maintain appropriate boundaries for work/life.

Merryoldgoat · 13/07/2021 21:46

The school needs a harder line. I work in a prep with parents who have high expectations - the head is extremely firm and no nonsense is brooked and the staff are empowered to put firm boundaries in place.

It’s outrageous your DH has to put up with that.

Original poster

AnnaSerena · 13/07/2021 22:19

I will admit DH is a workaholic and so some parents have become used to being able to get a response quickly and often fairly late at night. I honestly think the only reason he leaves work by 6 is because he has to get the kids home.

But even so the fact some of these parents feel it's appropriate to direct comments at our children is disgusting. And something I really cannot understand. Would absolutely love to be able to ask them why they did that.

OP posts:

fourminutestosavetheworld · 14/07/2021 12:49

As the deputy head, surely your dh is in the strongest possible position to address this.

I am sure that incident was upsetting but there are schools that take a very hard line approach to parents who overstep boundaries and etiquette, and I'd be asking dh to make changes before I allowed my dc to be hounded out.

Hoppinggreen · 14/07/2021 12:52

That’s terrible OP.
I know several parents at my DCs school, 2 at The Prep and I’m pretty sure that no matter how much money was being paid that sort of behaviour wouldn’t be tolerated. As parents there is a code of conduct we have to adhere to and if we repeatedly break that we can be asked to remove our children

Hoppinggreen · 14/07/2021 12:53

Sorry I mean parent teachers

Fizzbangwallop · 14/07/2021 12:58

The parents sound really horrible. Honestly, unless your DH is prepared to have MUCH stronger boundaries around his job, I’d move the DC into another local school to avoid them being with such nasty people.

I’m retired from teaching, but I made sure I never worked in the same school that my DCs attended to avoid anything similar happening.

Iloveitall · 14/07/2021 12:59

My kids would be staying. What kind of comments have been made to them? The head needs to be firm and stop all of this. Your kids shouldn’t have to leave their school at all.

JudgeRindersMinder · 14/07/2021 13:01

@AnnaSerena

The Head had a meeting with the parent, unfortunately there's not an awful lot she can do. You can't get rid of the child because of the parents behaviour. That particular family is leaving as the child is in a graduating year. Though there seems to be an attitude amongst some parents (and I have to stress this is only some) that because they've got money everything should be done how they want.

The school writes references for each graduating child, and as is standard practise in all schools the parents do not see these references prior to them being sent. It doesn't stop constant demands to amend them. DH will often get emails throughout the night with parents demanding to see/ change references. Some of these emails become abusive if he either says no or takes longer than they like to respond. On two occasions recently the school have had to take legal action as a result of abusive behaviour from parents.

I would have gone to the police

notanothertakeaway · 14/07/2021 13:06

You can't get rid of the child because of the parents behaviour

Well, you CAN, although I can see the school might not want to

The parent was bang out of order. School and your DH should be taking a very firm line here. I agree with a PP that teaching in the school your children attend isn't always great for the kids. My friend's Mum taught at our school, and she was lovely, but we were always on our guard around her. Not her fault. But a bit like socialising with your boss

Original poster

AnnaSerena · 14/07/2021 20:32

DH and the Head had a discussion today about introducing a new clause in the parent contract to make it easier to avoid these abusive situations and also to take legal actions if necessary, but they both think that the company that owns the school will be too concerned about the loss of income to introduce it.

DH is reluctant to consider moving DC from the school because at the minute he has a lot of control over their education, which has been incredibly helpful in the past. Having DH working in the same school hasn't caused any issues until the past 3-4 months.

I'm wondering if the risk of having more demanding out of line parents in the school is high enough to make it worth while unsettling both DCs to go elsewhere. Honestly if it weren't for the recent few incidents the thought wouldn't have even crossed my mind.

OP posts: