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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that my boyfriend didn't pay me much attention

26 replies

turqouiseismyfavourite · 13/07/2021 15:16

At a big family event where I was meeting
Many of his family for the first time.
He , over the course of four hours checked in with me to see f I was ok only now and again .
I am naturally chatty and outgoing and was having great conversations with a few people but I felt he could have made more of an effort . I know if the roles were reversed, I would have ensured that he was comfortable and not overwhelmed( huge gathering) Was I being needy and unreasonable ?
He is going through a tough time at work and seemed distracted that day and indeed all of the weekend . He was nervous about going back to work the next day as he is getting a hard time from his manager so he was distracted which I understood.
I told him that I was disappointed that he literally left me to my own devices and expected more from him as a boyfriend of nearly a year( first family occasion since original lockdown) we are in our 40's for context . He apologised , agreed and promised that there won't be a repeat. He was appropriately attentive after that chat .

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 13/07/2021 15:16

He probably saw you seemed fine and left you to it.
He acknowledged what you said and took it on board.
I'm not sure what else he can do?

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/07/2021 15:17

Sounds like you’ve discussed it and moved on?

Original poster
turqouiseismyfavourite · 13/07/2021 15:17

Oh I agree it's not an issue now but was I being unreasonable and needy???

OP posts:
NeedNewKnees · 13/07/2021 15:18

If he was sorry and corrected his behaviour, what is your issue? Isn't it resolved now?

Hopdathelf · 13/07/2021 15:19

Sounds like you didn’t need him to do that so I really don’t see a big problem here now you’ve discussed it and, he has at least, moved on.

You got the answer you wanted from him so what more can a bunch of strangers on the internet offer you?

Original poster
turqouiseismyfavourite · 13/07/2021 15:20

All resolved . I did wonder if I was being unreasonable and demanding .
I have not been in a relationship for a long time so wanted some opinions

OP posts:
Honeybeebloom · 13/07/2021 15:20

See if it happens again in future. My EXH used to leave me for ages at parties or weddings, he'd go away to the bar or for a smoke and I'd easily not see him for an hour. Usually he'd be chatting to random people he barely knew. I'm outgoing but I really hated it and found it embarrassing when I was left for most of the night and everyone was asking where my husband was and I'd have no idea. When I raised ir however he'd get defensive and so it never changed. You'll find out at the next event if your DP has really taken what you've said on board.

ditalini · 13/07/2021 15:21

You sound unreasonable and needy to me tbh.

He checked in with you now and again.
You are a woman in your 40s, naturally chatty and outgoing, nothing in your post suggests that you would struggle to go and find him if you felt the need.

Why are you so bothered about the performance of him checking in with you what you consider a reasonable number of times, in what you admit was for you an enjoyable situation?

Hopdathelf · 13/07/2021 15:24

It’s a little bit needy.

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 13/07/2021 15:25

I think maybe you were. But might not have been.

If you seemed to be having a great time and are chatty and outgoing, I would assume you would tell me that you were overwhelmed when I checked in with you. Or excused yourself to come to me if there was a problem.

But it depends, at our family gatherings we would hang out with everyone, not our partners. Even if they were a new one.

I think I would feel like I was hovering if I was always with you. Its hard to explain, but I would feel like I had to keep stepping in and not letting you socialise naturally.
I like to see dp chatting with my family and having a laugh, independently. I like him getting to know them as their own people, not just through me.

If you were a very quiet person or didn't seem to have people to chat to, it would be different.

Its really hard to call unless you know both you and him and then his family.

Original poster
turqouiseismyfavourite · 13/07/2021 15:32

I had never met the majority who f his family before that evening .

OP posts:
Original poster
turqouiseismyfavourite · 13/07/2021 15:34

Thanks. I guess I feel that we are a new couple and I certainly didn't feel part of a couple that evening .

OP posts:
AnUnoriginalUsername · 13/07/2021 15:35

YABU sounds like you were absolutely fine, presumably he knows you're outgoing so had no reason to worry, and you were talking to people so why would he feel the need to check on you? . Maybe be more supportive of his actual stresses rather than making up your own just to make him feel bad?

Unsoliciteddeckpic · 13/07/2021 15:37

See, after a year I wouldn't say you were a 'news couple.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2021 15:41

The update makes it slightly different. You didn't want 'checked in on' you wanted to be there as a couple. That's not unreasonable, you just have different views of it.

Original poster
turqouiseismyfavourite · 13/07/2021 15:41

Because of lockdown we hadn't had any social interaction with our families so only meeting them all in the last few months

OP posts:
Original poster
turqouiseismyfavourite · 13/07/2021 15:42

@MrsTerryPratchett yes that is what I'm trying to convey , possibly not very well!

OP posts:
ivfgottwins · 13/07/2021 15:42

@turqouiseismyfavourite

Oh I agree it's not an issue now but was I being unreasonable and needy???
Yes and yes
TyneTeas · 13/07/2021 15:43

I think it is fair enough if he was checking on on you and you were fine, as long as if you weren't he would have then acted differently

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 13/07/2021 15:55

I’d find that really awkward and my DP would probably make all the right noises about not leaving me on my own but then get distracted chatting to someone and forget Grin

I’m quite shy and socially awkward so I’d end up feeling sick and nervous before such an event. He will usually make adjustments for me, eg if it helps then I’ll drive over separately so I can leave when I want to rather than having to stay until he’s ready to leave, and if it’s a team thing he’ll try and make sure I have people I know on my team if possible, not necessarily him, but friends/family that I do know.

I don’t think that’s being needy. It’s just that different people need certain accommodations to feel comfortable. And a caring partner should be happy to make those accommodations.

ParsleyDill · 13/07/2021 16:02

Over four hours, how many times did he 'check in' with you? Presumably if you'd seemed overwhelmed or timid, he'd have checked in more, or asked if you wanted to leave, but he saw you thriving?

Original poster
turqouiseismyfavourite · 13/07/2021 16:05

I was a little nervous but they are lovely people and made me feel very welcome . It was our first big gathering together as a couple so hopefully we both know our expectations from r the next one .
I am not needy by nature but in previous relationships we would have gone to events as a couple and socialised together with other couples if that makes sense . It felt odd and a new thing so I suppose I needed to check myself . For example I have a friend whose husband takes off for the night at events and comes back at the end of the night when it's home time . She is embarrassed by this but that is their dynamic and certainly would not be for me .

OP posts:
Original poster
turqouiseismyfavourite · 13/07/2021 16:05

He checked on me twice or three times .

OP posts:
LtDansleg · 13/07/2021 16:08

Oh course it’s not unreasonable or needy op. My oh did this on Xmas day a couple of years back. We were meant to be spending a few hours at one of his relatives. When we turned up he sat me down and left me in a room with a bunch of his old aunties who I’d never met, popped back about half an hour later with a drink for me then disappeared for 4 hours. I was sat like a lemon with a bunch of people I didn’t know who were going through old photo albums with each other. I had no idea where he was (turned out he was getting pissed with the men in the kitchen), the layout of the house and I just felt like I couldn’t get up and go looking for him. I had a miserable Xmas day that year.

misskatamari · 13/07/2021 16:22

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. He did check on you, you say you were fine and enjoying yourself 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't see the issue.