Not to merge finances

[Whatsyoursismine]

Something came up elsewhere and I’d be interested in views….

DH and I don’t merge finances. I earn approx 3x more. We have a joint account that we pay into in proportion to our earnings for mortgage, bills, DCs stuff etc…

I work longer hours. I work harder. He could work harder but just isn’t motivated too (which is fine). He would accept I do 50% of childcare and children related stuff. I actually do more, but perhaps we can assume its 50/50 for present purposes.

Some people seem to think our finances should be merged. AIBU to think they shouldn’t. Obviously would be very different if he did more childcare/sacrified his career etc. But that’s not the case.

Hard hat on. Interested in thoughts…

YANBU and I’d say that to a man in your position as well. I don’t subscribe to the belief that both partners must have equal spending money (unless one is a SAHP and it’s been agreed that one will work and the other will stay home, which I think is a dynamic that has more negatives than positives for all involved but each to their own). But that’s why I’d also never get married, because I have no desire to relinquish control over my own finances or let anyone else have unfettered access to them.

I should add that most of my money does go on the family anyway - doing up the house, holidays etc.

We never have. Been together 19 years and don't even have a joint account. He has his money which pays some bills and I have my account which pays other bills. It works for us and its not something that anyone else really knows about either. How we split our money is our business and no-one elses.

YANBU. I earn about 3.5x more than DP. We pay all bills/dinners/holidays proportionately to our wages. In addition, he has access to my credit card and can buy whatever he wants or I'll pay anyway for treats etc i.e. he's not buying from Primark while I buy from John Lewis so we both do benefit from me earning more. And I'll also often put in extra for holidays to book a nicer hotel etc. But we do not share finances, that wouldn't be fair. He's home at 4pm while I frequently work late into the night/weekends, get less holidays etc which is my choice. He does not want to work my hours. It would be madness to share our finances completely. I choose to work more so have more savings.

We have a joint account to make bill payments easier but have never merged finances. We both have our own current and savings accounts. Wages are paid into our own accounts. The difference between our salaries isn't as much as yours but we do end up with different amounts (me slightly more). We've been married over ten years and this works just fine.

“What’s mine is yours.” Isn’t that the point of a marriage?

YANBU. Merging finances isn’t for me and I do the same. As long as you pay equally or by a ratio for joint expenses, that’s fair enough.

My partner is spendy, me not some much, but I do have my moments! Have never wanted anyone to question how I spend my money 🤣

Its a strange way to live IMHO.

@MasterBeth

“What’s mine is yours.” Isn’t that the point of a marriage?

Yep.

I'll never, ever understand married people who don't share finances.

Each to their own of course but I don't get why you'd get married if you felt like this.

I'll never, ever understand married people who don't share finances.

Each to their own of course but I don't get why you'd get married if you felt like this.

Because civil partnerships weren’t available when we got married. It’s a legal arrangement, that’s all.

@NavigatingAdolescence

I'll never, ever understand married people who don't share finances.

Each to their own of course but I don't get why you'd get married if you felt like this.

Because civil partnerships weren’t available when we got married. It’s a legal arrangement, that’s all.

But what's the legal arrangement for if not sharing?

I think YABU.

I don’t really understand living as a family with supposedly aligned goals for your life and having such disparate finances.

It creates a power imbalance. You get to make the big decisions because you have the money. Even if you discuss it you being uncomfortable with the spend means it doesn’t happen.

@Merryoldgoat

I think YABU.

I don’t really understand living as a family with supposedly aligned goals for your life and having such disparate finances.

It creates a power imbalance. You get to make the big decisions because you have the money. Even if you discuss it you being uncomfortable with the spend means it doesn’t happen.

Exactly.

In our relationship money has no merit or value attached other than what it contributes to all our lives.

@Merryoldgoat

I think YABU.

I don’t really understand living as a family with supposedly aligned goals for your life and having such disparate finances.

It creates a power imbalance. You get to make the big decisions because you have the money. Even if you discuss it you being uncomfortable with the spend means it doesn’t happen.

I agree with this because this is how we live our lives. When we married we became a family. If I hadn't wanted that I wouldn't have married him. I've earned more, he has earned more at various times. but we were in it together.

But maybe OP uses her extra money for house/holidays etc without being the sole decision maker. Still it feels a bit you and me not us.

@shivawn

YANBU. You can do what you want in your own relationship. I am glad that my husband and I have enough trust, communication and compatibility to merge everything but it wouldn't work for every relationship.

I'm so glad that my husband and I are better in every way than you.

Some of these responses are so passive aggressive and smug they make me want to vomit.

OP I think you're being exceptionally sensible. Particularly as by his own admission he's less motivated to work than you. As you were.

Some of these responses are so passive aggressive and smug they make me want to vomit.

Nothing passive aggressive about it.

I am smug that my husband and I value eachother as people and don't attach meaning to money other than how it can enrich all our lives.

I am smug that my husband and I value eachother as people and don't attach meaning to money other than how it can enrich all our lives.

Let's see how smug you would feel if you found he was having an affair. Or hiding a gambling habit. Hopefully he's not.

But anyone who says they "don't attach meaning to money" has lived a very charmed existence indeed and is at risk if they don't give this any thought.

You can love someone and share your life with them and insure yourself against not having perfectly aligned interests for the rest of your life. That's just being sensible.

@thepeopleversuswork

I am smug that my husband and I value eachother as people and don't attach meaning to money other than how it can enrich all our lives.

Let's see how smug you would feel if you found he was having an affair. Or hiding a gambling habit. Hopefully he's not.

But anyone who says they "don't attach meaning to money" has lived a very charmed existence indeed and is at risk if they don't give this any thought.

You can love someone and share your life with them and insure yourself against not having perfectly aligned interests for the rest of your life. That's just being sensible.

No, I wouldn't marry someone I didn't trust.

What's the point?

Strange on MN when the man earns most of or all the money its family money but if the woman does then it's hers.

@Summerleaves

But genuinely how can you guarantee you will always trust someone? Of course you trust someone when you marry them (hopefully). But if you marry someone at 25 can you hand on heart say you know you'll be able to trust them at 55? You really can't. You very much hope so. But you can't know.

I'm not saying all men are trustworthy and all will cheat and leave. But its perfectly reasonable to want not to gamble your financial security on your assessment of the odds during the honeymoon period of a relationship.

@Viviennemary

Strange on MN when the man earns most of or all the money its family money but if the woman does then it's hers.

I've never believed in family money, tbh. I think except when one partner is at home bringing up children its far less risky to keep finances separate. So I would never consider a man's money to be mine.

But in all fairness the partner who stays at home to bring up the children is far far more likely to be the woman. And I do think its morally and socially correct that this person be supported by the breadwinning partner. So, while I don't think its ideal for a woman to be dependent on a man for money it is at least justifiable when she's bearing and rearing children full time. Men aren't financially vulnerable in the same way.

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@Summerleaves

But genuinely how can you guarantee you will always trust someone? Of course you trust someone when you marry them (hopefully). But if you marry someone at 25 can you hand on heart say you know you'll be able to trust them at 55? You really can't. You very much hope so. But you can't know.

I'm not saying all men are trustworthy and all will cheat and leave. But its perfectly reasonable to want not to gamble your financial security on your assessment of the odds during the honeymoon period of a relationship.[/quote]
I wouldn't marry someone I didn't trust, it's what marriage is all about.

If you have a mindset where there's no trust why get married in the first place? It's the whole point of marriage, sharing and commitment. Without that it really is meaningless.

I 100% trust my husband not to cheat, gamble etc. If we were to drift apart I 100% trust that we will be sensible and fair with finances.

I 100% trust my husband not to cheat, gamble etc. If we were to drift apart I 100% trust that we will be sensible and fair with finances.

Well I am not going to get married, in large part because I don't want to be financially enmeshed with someone.

But without meaning to undermine your confidence in your marriage and with every hope that you are right, you just can't ever 100% trust someone. You only have to read these boards a couple of times to see how that can go for women who believe they trust someone 100%. Even if your trust is valid, infidelity isn't the only way women can be financially disadvantaged.

And I do think its perfectly sensible that women whose income and capital is generally disadvantaged by having children need to put theirs and their children's financial security first. Ahead of their husband if push comes to shove.

@thepeopleversuswork

I 100% trust my husband not to cheat, gamble etc. If we were to drift apart I 100% trust that we will be sensible and fair with finances.

Well I am not going to get married, in large part because I don't want to be financially enmeshed with someone.

But without meaning to undermine your confidence in your marriage and with every hope that you are right, you just can't ever 100% trust someone. You only have to read these boards a couple of times to see how that can go for women who believe they trust someone 100%. Even if your trust is valid, infidelity isn't the only way women can be financially disadvantaged.

And I do think its perfectly sensible that women whose income and capital is generally disadvantaged by having children need to put theirs and their children's financial security first. Ahead of their husband if push comes to shove.

You probably shouldn't get married with your mindset.

I'm sorry to disappoint you but I do 100% trust my husband. That's why I chose him. I would never settle.

My parents have been married 50+ years and don't have a joint account.