Grandparents: Both in their mid 80s, Grandad diagnosed with terminal cancer in April and is deteriorating, Nan has her own health issues and is also due to have major surgery soon. They have four grandchildren including me, I'm the only girl, and they have four 'children'
My mum: mid 60s, disabled, very limited mobility, Son 1: works, lives 2 minutes away, sees my grandparents once a week. Son 2: works two days per week, lives 10 minutes away, Sees grandparents once per month if that, Son 3: Does not work, Sees grandparents once a week. Me: I have an lifelong chronic illness and also immune system issues which may also be chronic, yet to find out, and three other grandchildren who also do nothing to help. NOTHING has changed in any of their lives or routine.
Every single thing has been left to me and my mum, Everything from doing their food shopping, all hospital appointments, doctors, phonecalls, perscriptions, covid jabs, funeral arrangements, bank/will stuff, If I listed everything we have been doing since april I would run out of space here but you get the picture. We are basically their unpaid carers because if we didn't do it nobody else would. We are out everyday doing what they need and usually for about 6-7 hours each time. Last week both me and my mum were unable to do their shopping as we both had hospital appointments, and instead of anyone else in the family stepping up to do it my grandparents went and did it themselves, grandad fell asleep in the car, nan carried all the bags etc and they can't do it.
We sent a text to all three brothers basically saying we need a bit of a break/some help to make this more fair as we are both tired and getting worn out, We asked to meet them all at a cafe so we could have a conversation regarding their parents care and it was refused straight away with 'I want to enjoy what little time my dad has left and I won't be coming or having this conversation again' from one, the other ignored it and the other said along the lines of 'That's what women do, take on the caring role, I work, you don't, deal with it.' failing to see why we do not work.
I also have an issue with me basically taking the place of grandparents children, I am doing what their children should be doing, and I feel like I have no choice as if I don't help my mum then nobody else will.
Where do we go from here if nobody is even willing to talk it through like adults? are me and mum supposed to do everything? then again with nan when its her turn? then I look after my own mum as she is getting worse with her illness? I have zero life to speak of and I feel horrible. Me and mum feel trapped, stressed, like we have no life and everyone else in the family is getting on with theirs.
Is this fair?