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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding now without family due to Covid?

16 replies

nowneverlater · 12/07/2021 19:12

Long story short, I am pregnant and my DP is insistent we marry legally before the baby arrives.

His idea is to do the legal wedding asap, then have the ceremony with family and friends next summer after Covid (hopefully).

I am happy to wait till next year for the big ceremony, but DP also wants to do something small now with the legal wedding (think central London hotel, dress, photographer,15 guests, etc) that will end up costing us about £4k all in.

I think we should just do the legal wedding as just us and witnesses, no thrills, for under £1k. I don't see the point in having a small fancy wedding and then a big one later. May as well keep the legal wedding cheap.

DP on the other hand is saying do something semi nice now, as you never know what may happen next year.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MyFloorIsLava · 12/07/2021 19:14

I think I'd be with your DP. With a small baby you may not even want to have a big party next year. Get married and make a small but special occasion out of the day.

Royalbloo · 12/07/2021 19:15

I think it might feel a little deflating to just do it and then go home, but it depends how you both feel? There is no being unreasonable here...IMO x

Royalbloo · 12/07/2021 19:16

Wouldn't it be weird to get married and then go home and put your pjs on? I think a little do is probably going to be lovely?

WeatherSystems · 12/07/2021 19:18

You’ve talked about what he wants, but what do you want?

I think a ceremony next year would be and feel hollow, you’ll already have been married for a year, and I assume people will know that?

I’d scrap the idea of something next year and have the best wedding you can now, however small. The absolute basics is no more than a couple of hundred quid. But if he wants a nice do then I’d just do it now during pregnancy and be done with it.

WeatherSystems · 12/07/2021 19:19

@Royalbloo

Wouldn't it be weird to get married and then go home and put your pjs on? I think a little do is probably going to be lovely?
Can’t speak for OP but this was us and it was perfect. We were home for 6pm in our PJs watching the Office and I was asleep for 7pm (pregnant)!

It didn’t take away the excitement and shine of being legally married. It was such a lovely experience.

malteserheist · 12/07/2021 19:24

@Royalbloo

I think it might feel a little deflating to just do it and then go home, but it depends how you both feel? There is no being unreasonable here...IMO x
Surely that depends upon why they're marrying. If it's to have a wedding/party then, sure, but if it's to have a marriage then why on earth would it feel deflating to embark upon that marriage?
Original poster
nowneverlater · 12/07/2021 19:27

I am not quite sure what I would like. I think a key factor is that my DP has no friends or family currently in the UK. They all flew back to Europe at the start of lockdown and have been stuck since.

So any wedding will just be my family and friends which may feel a little weird. I kind of think in that case, it may just be best having something really small with just witnesses only.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 12/07/2021 19:32

I’m not sure about saving the main celebration for next year. I doubt that you or any of your guests would really feel like it is a wedding celebration. I would do the celebration at the same time as the legal wedding, even if it is small.

RancidOldHag · 12/07/2021 19:37

I think you need to negotiate towards some middle ground,

A bit of a do and a new dress, but not necessarily that venue and either a party or a stunning day dress rather than a wedding one.

Learning how to negotiate fairly and productively on something such as thus where there's no 'right' answer other than what you agree on, strikes me as a useful bit of marriage prep

Original poster
nowneverlater · 12/07/2021 19:38

I was maybe considering something like this:

Friday afternoon - hen do type affair with all my close friends
Sat morning - legal wedding with family only
Saturday afternoon - leave for honeymoon

OP posts:
Original poster
nowneverlater · 12/07/2021 19:41

This may sound off, but DP is keen to do something now even though he will have noone to invite. So it will be my family and friends only, which I think may feel uncomfortable for him and he may miss his family?

OP posts:
walkoflifewoohoo · 12/07/2021 19:48

He can't "insist" you marry him so I'd address that first

Usernamesarenotmyforte · 12/07/2021 19:51

Regarding the big do the following year, we are going to one of those this summer. They got married last year. I’ll be honest, I’m only going because they’re lovely people. The whole thing feels a bit weird to me. Although they had stuff booked and could only defer so it makes more sense than intentionally booking a pretend wedding.

BackforGood · 12/07/2021 20:03

I keep changing my mind as more info is added.

As I am the age where my dc are more likely to be getting married than people of my own age, I started off thinking I would be incredibly upset if any of my dc got married without me, but then you have said that they would be there in your vision of your wedding.

The fact that it is your dp who is the keenest to get married now and it is him who would be without family, makes it less of an issue. If it were the other way round, where only the half of the couple whose family could come were the one wanting to get married now, then I'd say that was unreasonable, but as it stands then it isn't.

However, either way, I think it is odd to "pretend to get married" once you are already married. By all means have a big party for wider family and friends, but I would feel odd watching people I knew were married, pretend to get married a year or more after they were already married.

UmamiMammy · 12/07/2021 20:06

Find a middle ground ...........it doesn't need to cost £4,000 but you could do more than the bare minimum.

Lonecatwithkitten · 12/07/2021 20:35

We wanted to be married for legal reasons, my DH has to have couple of really major surgeries later this year. We went to the registrars office said a couple of words and legally we are married.
Before he got ill and Covid came along we intended to say our own vows, which we were not able to do. Next year we will have a party with a humanist celebrate so we can say the things we wanted to say to each other in front of our friends and family.
So people may think this is a 'fake' wedding, but times are different now.

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