Age gap kids

[monkeyallen49]

I'm 36. Have a ds10 from previous relationship. Now newly married to partner of 5 years. Financially secure and very happy.

My partner is 49 and we are considering ttc. I've always wanted another baby but for various reasons it hasn't felt like the right time until now. But with our ages and also the 10 year plus age gap with my ds I'm a bit worried about how it might work logistically. Not to mention how easy life is now! Would be strange going back to the baby years but I'm confident we would manage.

Am I insane for considering this? Has anyone else got a big age gap between children? Can it work?

I don't have children so please feel free to take my answers with a pinch of salt.

There's a 6 year age gap between me & my younger sibling. I do feel I resented them slightly - got aware with more than I did, and I didn't feel particularly close to them due to not being able to play with them in the same way if they were closer in age to me.

BUT now we're adults we are a lot closer, have a lot of shared interests and enjoy spending time with each other. My mum still favours them over me though

Otoh my friend has a 9 year age gap between her two and the eldest relishes being the big sister.

What I'm trying to say is, there is no right or wrong answer.

I think it depends on a few things. Realistically until they are both adults they aren’t likely to have much of anything in common or want to spend time together.

Will they be able to have their own rooms? Kids sharing of a similar age is one thing, but expecting a 16 year old to happily share with a 5 year old less so.

Yes definitely own rooms. I know that as kids they will be at totally different stages but I'm hoping that would matter less in adulthood. Between us dp and I don't have much extended family - both only children - and I would like for my ds to have more family than we do when he's an adult.

I have a brother who’s 11 years younger and another 13 years younger. I lived alone from 16 so feel I barely know them. I loved it when they were little though and I lived with them. I used to take them everywhere with me. We’re adults now I don’t see them often.

My younger two children have a 14 month age gap. They aren’t close. Have barely anything to do with each other. They don’t even walk to school together despite leaving at the same time. They’re 14 and 15. I don’t think bug age gaps really matter.

There’s a 10 year gap between my eldest and youngest and my eldest absolutely dotes on his younger brother. Also have a 2 year old DS who my eldest adores. He’s just happy to finally have brothers after spending 8 years with 2 sisters tbh . I’d honestly go for it without hesitation, your 10 year old will be fine!

there is 21 years between my two kids OP! It is wonderful.My eldest is like a second dad and my youngest goes to stay with him in his house and they do amazing things together, My son is 30 and my dd is 9,From day 1 my son lived at home then but from day one he worshipped her! He bathed her,he changed her he fed her and every step of the way since he has been there,first everythings from walking to first day at school to next week rearranging his diary to be there to see her take her brownie promise! He does all the fun things we are too tired to do or indeed have no inclination to do as we are in our 50s my husband and I so he is the fun one who doesnt mind queueing up at Alton Towers etc!!! Only this week a new dessert place had opened near us,big fancy trendy place that sells shakes etc he collected her on sunday and they had a fab time! They go on weekends away Euro Disney,Harry Potter stuff,the coast, I often get home from work and find a note "Gone to so and so will ring you in a bit".They are so close,At first i thought it was maybe a thing he might get bored with bit he never has,He never lets her down and him and his partner,maybe because they are not having children of their own,are wonderful.She is a very lucky girl and they are so close it is wonderful to see. I had this daft thing when I was pregnant that I couldnt shake,it was I am old what happens to her if me and my husband die,crazy right?But I dont have to worry as well as a brother she has a second dad too who takes his own self imposed responsibility very seriously! Like I say my daughter is incredibly blessed and she couldnt be in safer hands than with her brother,its a bond that is wonderful for all of us.Couldnt have predicted it would be anything like this but so glad it is,

I think you never really know what you’re going to get until it happens, OP. If you want a child then have a child.

My own sibling is ten years older than me. We have never got on, and haven’t spoken to each other in fifteen years. He was extremely jealous of me as a small child and took it out on me at every opportunity. But then, he is someone who feels the world owes him something. He is a bully who I refuse to have around me or my children.

My own children have a half brother who is 17 years older than them. Again, there is no relationship there at all - but they didn’t grow up together and lived at opposite ends of the country. It’s a shame.

My husband has a 10 year gap with his brother and both of them have said as adults they would never have a big as big.
It’s basically like having 2 only children, there’s not a day out that could keep both a 13 and 3 year old happy, same for holidays.
There could be resentment on either side.

I honestly wouldn’t do it.

I have an 11 year old step son, 7 year old daughter and 2 year old son. Stepson is absolutely obsessed with his younger brother and vice versa. We have plenty of days out with all of us and never an issue, they all like spending time together.

I'm closer to my sister who is 10 years younger than me than my sister who is 18 months younger than me. 20 months between my two girls and they are best pals.

As long as you don’t mind going back to the baby stage then I don’t think that the age gap with your ds is anything to worry about. Though I’d def get a move on as wouldn’t really want a teen and a newborn.

The only thing that would give me pause is your partners age. But it’s your life and so long as you’re both happy with him being an older parent then go for it.

My niece and nephew are 9 years apart and get on beautifully. She helps out a lot with him. There are also 9 years between my brother and sister with me in the middle, and they are close as adults. It may have been a mistake to have posted about this - it might put you off when your situation is unique to you. For example - your DS is from a previous relationship, do they see their other parent? If they do, it will give you time with your baby and they may still have days out/holidays separately and do more ‘grown up’ stuff that way.

Also, I have a younger sister who is 14 years younger than me. I was disgusted by my parents having another baby as a teen and I really hated it (the whole situation was just shit though, not just them having another baby).

Now she is 22 abs I’m 36 I’m like an extra cool parent to her. My parents are now in their 60s and have health issues and I’ve stepped in to do some of the stuff parents would do with a young adult. My eldest dd is only 6 years younger than her and they are very close. So it does all work out in the end.

There's 13 years difference between me and my sister and 17 years between me and my brother. I'd say me and my sister are getting a bit closer now we're older but were always fairly close when I lived at home and the opposite with my brother, who is now a typical teenager! They are half siblings but I never see them that way and frequently forget! I also have an older brother who is closer in age.

You can never know for sure but I'd say go for it. Will be nice for your ds to have a sibling like you say and to extend your family with you and dh being "onlies".

I think a big gap can be better; they don’t want the same toys, fight over clothes, squabble the way children close in age do. Your eldest is old enough to be helpful and fairly independent eg making his own breakfast, helping around the house, so you can focus on the baby.

Having an older child is also great when you’re out and about with a toddler (according to my mum). My older brothers used to help chase after me and held my hands to cross roads, let me swing between them etc. We all get on very well as adults.

There was no jealousy or envy growing up (at least not on my part) as I saw my brothers as almost grown ups even though they were in their early teens.

@lazylump72
That is the nicest thing I have read on mumsnet. You obviously have raised 2 lovely children, so glad your 2 children have so much love between them.

@lazylump72.
That's lovely. I think its down to the individuals personality not the age gap.
I have a sibling 14 years younger than me, we are close. Yes, I do feel protective towards him but he is still much a younger sibling. Life isn't perfect, it is easy for people to advice against it from the outside, but there will be things in their lives you wouldn't choose for yourself. Its just the way our lives pan out, we are all different! X

I agree it is down to many factors and I appreciate things have worked out so well here where it could have been very different. My son for example has a weird way of compartmentalizing his life its odd,,we all fit in different boxes with him so you have the work guy who yesterday was stuck in corperate meetings all day trying to decide next years budgets for all his departments then within 30 mins of that he was at our house with his suit n tie off learning the latest little mix dance!! Then after that out to dinner with his boyfriend and his parents! It just works for us the only thing I would wish for is that me and dad were a bit younger to be totally honest,We have the time,the money,the patience but not so much the energy as we did before and it is a big factor personally to me,Pros and cons as with anything I guess,I just feel really lucky and blessed that our second child somehow came along when we least expected it and somehow managed to bring out the best again in all of us.It is a lot easier this time round I found but parenting is trying at any age i guess.

Having spent the morning at a friends who was babysitting another friends baby I'd say no, I couldn't go back to that, things are so much easier now ( at last). But that's just me, and I'm not hugely maternal right now ! Those hormones are a bugger, but they do fade away if you ignore them !