to smell a very stinky rat with friend's parents' will?

[lalalonglegs]

My friend has one brother that her parents have always favoured. To cut a long story short, she found their will while staying at their home and discovered that they were planning to leave half their assets to him outright - which is really only their house but that is worth about £1.8 million - and half to her but her half is wrapped up in a complicated trust conditional on her behaviour. There is a strong likelihood that she will not benefit from this trust and will be unable to use its assets - the trust even specifies that she leaves the assets to her brother's children when she dies.

There is a possibility that she will have to pay inheritance tax on this legacy even though she may not benefit from it at all .

She is not a junkie, a drunk or married to Pete Doherty, she earns her own living, is quite a high achiever and very independent but her parents seem to be under the impression that she is feckless and cannot be trusted. She has tried to resolve this by speaking to them and her brother (who is sympathetic but does not do much to sort out the situation).

So, would you stay in touch with the parents or walk away now? Should she tell other people in the family what is going on? Her parents (and her db and sil) seem to expect her to take on the care of her parents as they become older.

i am intrigued as to what the conditions on her behaviour are

It's their money. It's their money. They can leave it to the son, to Battersea Dogs home, or to a man they met on the internet, called Starshine, who is raising money to build a colony on the sun. They money, their choice.

I know everyone who says 'it's their money' is right, logically and legally. But if she's always been the least-favoured one, I can see why this might be devastating - final, concrete proof that they really don't care about her. Doesn't matter how grown up you are, your parents can still wound you terribly. Some families do like to treat one member as Cinderella, or make them the scapegoat, however unfairly.

All she can do is make a firm decision about what relationship she can bear to have with them, and stick to it. If she's been taking shit off them all these years, it is possible that standing up to them might actually garner a bit of respect. Maybe not. But worth doing just to give her back some control over her own life.

I'm not sure, tbh, whether any conditions they place on her would be enforceable - if she's bothered, she might want to consult a solicitor herself just so she knows what would actually happen. But probably better off just removing herself from the situation and not allowing her parents to hurt her any more.

And she definitely shouldn't look after them in their dotage in the hope of any reward.

Oh, and she definitely shouldn't look after them if that involves giving up her job or moving into their house - if she's left without a leg to stand on when they die, she'd have to get into very expensive legal action to avoid being thrown out without a penny.

They sound like unpleasant controlling people. People like that will even try and make their influence felt from beyond the grave - wills are great ways of controlling family members.

If they are thinking she should give her time and energy to looking after them in their old age, the least they can do is treat her fairly in their will. If they don't then she's got the answer as to what they actually think about her and she can walk away from them and their crummy money. Even £900k isn't worth a person's self-respect.

Yes I agree with that Edam.
As someone who has suffered from a personality clash with her father, and seen her reprobate brother repeatedly favoured despite lying, stealing, etc...it is bloody hard but sooner or later you have to distance yourself in order to have your own life.
The alternative is to humiliate yourself repeatedly, until they die.
I haven't made a clean break because things have never been that bad, but gaining distance has been extremely healthy I have found.

I'm very interested to know the circumstances under which she came across the will. I do believe, once found, it would be difficult to ignore though.

Also, no she doesn't have a right to her parents' dosh. However, if she feels second best to her brother, then this will only reinforce that.

What intrigues me is the extent to which any conditions can be imposed - which behavious must she exhibit in order to inherit, and who is the judge of this?

I agree with Elizabeth.

The least they could do is treat their children equally.

I agree that if she has been rifling through her parents' private papers then she is less than trustworthy!

FWIW my father at times has threatened to disinherit my brother and leave everything to me or do something similar (trust-wis) giving me control.

I just tell him that I am not prepared to be involved in their feud (not that they have one any more) and that it is unfair of him to potentially create a rift between my brother and I by an unequal distribution of his assets and that if he did leave it all to me I would give half to my brother anyway.

He doesn't like dogs so I have also threatened to give it all to Battersea at times

I have also told him it is his money and he should bloody well spend it!

I have read this with interest....

Can understand why she feels upset that her belief she is the least favoured sibling seems to have been confirmed. However agree with the majority who say its unreasonable for her to be snooping through private papers.

My parents are in the process of writing a will leaving thier assets split 3 ways between me, my brother and sister. The money to my sister and me is unconditional. However the money for my brother is to be in the control of my sister and I to be invested to his benefit as we see fit. My brother has been in trouble with the law off and on and regularly goes for several months / years without being in touch. We have a mobile for him presently but he rarely responds to messages and we would have no other way of getting in touch. They feel that he would fritter money away and also that he doesn't deserve it while he behaves in this way (although this is less of a consideration).

I fully understand why they have done this. I am a little uncomfortable about having to sort this once they are gone but to be honest I think my brother wouldn't expect to be left anything anyway. At the end of the day though it is their money and noone has a right to it.

I do think they are unreasonable to not explain when asked to their daughter why they have done this. My parents would be upfront with my brother if they could get in touch. Although I guess it depends on how she asked...

It is hard for you to judge when you only have your friend's side to go on - they may have very valid reasons that you know nothing about like my parents do.

You stay in touch with the parents, but don't let them hold money as a way to manipulate you into doing what they want.

My mother used to continually threaten to cut one or the other out of her will, if she did it these days, I couldn't care less, it's not important. My self-esteem and dignity are.

Agree she shouldn't have gone looking for it. Which she clearly did.

Agree it's deeply upsetting to be the less favoured sibling but there is NO WAY that challenging this will or their way of dealing with her will help or change that in any way. She simply has to accept that it's theirs and they do what they want with it, unfair though it may be.

It's not her money, she needs to cut any expectation for anything from them at all. And it's a waste of life thinking about this stuff.