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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for help at night?

14 replies

WindFlower92 · 12/07/2021 08:14

Looking for opinions, happy to be told I'm in the wrong before DH gets home tonight and we argue!

So we have 2 kids, a 2yo and a 7wo. Obviously sleep is non-existant at the moment, and we have a compromise where I do up until 4am, and DH takes over until he goes to work. His job involves lots of driving, so I'm happy for this arrangement as I want him to be safe, and feel I can manage in the day unless the night really is awful.

Last night we both stayed up to watch the football, so went to bed about half 11. DD2 was up from half 12 until half 3, and then woke up at 5. I asked DH to take over then, to which he got angry with me and refused. He said I'm selfish, and that agreement should only stand if he's got an early night. We're all up now so I've been up since 5 with about 3 hours sleep. All normal with a newborn I know, but was I unreasonable to wake DH at 5 for some help? She will accept a bottle so DH could have handled her just as well as me.

OP posts:

Cloudninenine · 12/07/2021 08:15

Yanbu, your husband is being selfish.

motheroreily · 12/07/2021 08:24

I'm not sure. At first I thought your husband was being unreasonable. But if he has to drive alot he needs to sufficient sleep and rest to be safe. It would be different if he had a job in a shop or an office. So on this occasion I understand why he didn't want to get up early. But he should've spoken to you about it last night before watching the football

pinkcircustop · 12/07/2021 08:26

I think YABU given the nature of his job and the fact that he usually does from 4 onwards so I think this was a one off you should have handled yourself.

DeathStare · 12/07/2021 08:28

But your DH knew he was on baby-duty from 4am so it was his responsibility to either get an early night or suck it up.

Does he expect his boss to give him a late start when hes had a late night too? Does he refuse to start work on time?

THATbasicSNOWFLAKE · 12/07/2021 08:29

If he drives a lot for work i wouldn't want him doing 4am tbh. Assuming you dont work atm and can nap when your dc do.

Indigopearl · 12/07/2021 08:31

Neither of you are being unreasonable. Life with a newborn is tough and you are both exhausted. Given that your DH has to drive I would be sympathetic to him but I can also see you need sleep too. Can you get some childcare help with the 2 year old so you can rest a bit during the day?

MiddleClassProblem · 12/07/2021 08:38

Given he has to drive a lot and it’s a one off, I would say YABU. If I’m honest, I’ve had plenty of days with that little sleep as has DH and you just have to push through it. I know it’s frustrating but if I were you I would rather he was safe. Although it may be a while until sleeping through is a thing, hopefully DD2 will flex in and out of patterns in the coming months allowing you better sleep here and there.

Original poster

WindFlower92 · 12/07/2021 08:42

Fair enough, bit of a mixed bag but I can see both sides! I just hate having the arguments about work vs maternity leave and work always coming out on top as a reason why he has everything harder all the time. I guess this time it's got to me! Roll on the newborn sleeping through the night and we can both think a bit clearer.

OP posts:

BusterGonad · 12/07/2021 08:42

Surely you can do an extra few hours as a one off for the football? I think you're being really unreasonable. You being tired only really impacts your day, your husband being tired impacts his work, others road users and ultimately if it goes tits up your whole family. I never understand couples that are so rigid in their thinking. To those saying he should've gone to bed early and missed the football, for gods sake, if your wife can't cover your rota for a few hours once in a while then I think that's a pretty shit marriage personally.

Weenie12 · 12/07/2021 08:56

@WindFlower92

Don’t have the argument! Don’t even entertain the conversation about which is harder. It helps no one, neither of you will win and it’s soo boring for you both! Hope you get a better night tonight.

MouldyPotato · 12/07/2021 09:03

Yeah it's a tough one. If he wasn't driving I'd say YANBU. Ideally it should have been discussed before you both decided to stay up late and watch the football.

It's a stressful time, it will get better.

Dixiechickonhols · 12/07/2021 09:03

As a one off and you aren’t at work day after I’d have let him sleep. Driving tired is a real risk. I know you have a toddler too but you can put tv on and all lie down together this afternoon. Baby was probably unsettled/up more because your routine was off going to bed late plus they pick up on tension.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/07/2021 09:13

I would do the other way as he is working and driving

You go to bed early. He does till midnight then sleeps

You do midnight onwards

You can cat nap daytime when baby sleeps

And yes as driving you could have sucked up this extra late night

234Pepperplant · 12/07/2021 09:28

Honestly I wouldn’t have stayed up to watch the football - I’d have told him he was responsible for the baby and gone to bed as soon as toddler was asleep. You both have to take some responsibility here for being tired. However, you have the option to stick the two year old in front of a dvd while the baby naps and you get some rest on the sofa. He doesn’t.

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