What do I say? (TW: child death mentioned)

[DoItellalie]

I will preface this with my heart absolutely goes out to the parents in this situation.

I had a friend through Nursery and Reception, who died of Cancer when I was in Year 1 (so aged 5 or 6). I cannot remember her at all, not even vaguely. There are some photos of us together but I still don’t recognise her – I am now over 30 so this was the very early 90s this happened.

My mum recently got in touch with the parents through Facebook and they got talking and they then added me. They’ve sent me a message telling me who they are and how they remember me as a small child.

I really don’t know how to reply, do I tell a white lie and say I remember playing with their daughter? Or do I say I can’t remember her?

I have a child myself whose 7, trying to put myself in their shoes of if something happened to her would I want her school friends to remember her and I honestly don’t know. I don’t even remember the girl being mentioned at all at school, not even amongst the others in my class many of whom I went through the rest of that school and high school with.

So WWYD?

Do you have to say either? That you clearly remember her or that you have literally no memory of her? Can you not just say something like you have photos of that time that you look back on every so often and ask how they're getting on?

@Submariner

Do you have to say either? That you clearly remember her or that you have literally no memory of her? Can you not just say something like you have photos of that time that you look back on every so often and ask how they're getting on?

Thank you never thought of saying that

I think you could say something kind and diplomatic, if you wanted to, without saying you remember her. I would feel uncomfortable lying about that, and it would be hideous if they asked follow up questions.

Don't say anything about remembering or not remembering her - and in the kindest, gentlest way possible - this isn't about you.

Send a genuine message thanking them for getting in touch and that you enjoyed seeing the pictures (if you did!) and that you're touched they remembered you. If possible insert a true anecdote from your parents if they have one e.g 'mum always said we loved to play together'. Honestly, I think that's plenty - they're unlikely to be expecting detailed accounts from a 5 year old's memory but remembering their daughter.

@Nayday

Don't say anything about remembering or not remembering her - and in the kindest, gentlest way possible - this isn't about you.

Send a genuine message thanking them for getting in touch and that you enjoyed seeing the pictures (if you did!) and that you're touched they remembered you. If possible insert a true anecdote from your parents if they have one e.g 'mum always said we loved to play together'. Honestly, I think that's plenty - they're unlikely to be expecting detailed accounts from a 5 year old's memory but remembering their daughter.

My mum says we were inseparable so I can always say something like "I've been told we played together a lot"

I would do as the pp said...send a message saying hello and you hope they're both well and you have some photos of you and x together which are lovely.

If they asked outright do you remember her/remember playing with her - then they are obviously looking for something. I'd honestly lie and say yes, it's one of my earliest memories of me and x in the pink playhouse in Mrs x's class, we always made a beeline for it! Or similar easily believable white lie.

Was going to say mention the pics and your mums stories/ don’t bs memories you don’t have and don’t tell them you have no recollection.

I would suggest skirting the truth, talk about having looked at the photos with your mum recently, mention you have a 7 year old and how it brings it home how sad it was for them ... or something akin

I think that you experienced deep trauma as a 5 year old if your inseparable best friend became v ill and died. There would have been great distress amongst the adults in your life - parents, teachers etc ..... all trying to hold it together. You likely dissociated, blocked and erased the experience and memories. I am sorry this happened to you.

Hi OP, I work for a children's hospice and I know that the majority of our families honour their children and keep their memories alive by talking about them and sharing fond memories of them.

I would acknowledge that you were friends but be honest and say it was so long ago that you don't remember a lot. Ask them if they have any memories of you two playing together that they could share? I'd also mention the photos of you both together and if you have them to hand, perhaps share them if they'd like to see them.

Can you not relate it to how you can empathise with their pain, such as "looking at my 7 yo dd now I can only imagine the pain you went through"

”I’ve been told we played together a lot”

I think you need to skirt it a little more than that, as that definitely sounds like you saying you are saying you don’t remember their daughter.

Another poster suggested something like “mum always said we..” which sounded better, the difference is subtle but I don’t think it sounds like you are directly saying you don’t remember.

I agree with a pp...you don't need to say either that you don't remember her or that you do. If they ever did ask though, I'd tell a lie and say that you remember her.

"How lovely to hear from you" and could you perhaps share any memories of your nursery and reception that they could relate to, such as what the teacher was like or what was in the playground? It doesn't have to be specifically about your friend, you'd still be sharing something that was part of her life too. You could also ask question about their daughter if you want to.

But as PPs said, it's not a test and there is no need to say you don't remember her or pretend that you do. I think @sssloou is right, there is a reason you don't remember her, it's what your brain did to protect you but it would be unkind to share this with her parents.

Thank you everyone, I can remember our nursery teacher reading stories and doing the funny voices, and there being a house on the playground with the walls painted red, yellow, green and blue to represent the school houses but that’s about it for nursery and Reception.

I can remember years 3 onwards much clearer but obviously can’t talk about those.

I would send a general message, say something neutral like you remember that that time fondly and then ask them to share their memories with you.

They may tell a story that jogs your memory, and they will love being asked about their dd.