Page 3 | Aibu to ask for help on clearing the air with the SIL?

SummerTimeIsLovely · 11/07/2021 21:18

You need to be aware that they are probably not feeling as guilty as you are, and if they are like my family they are talking about you behind your back.

Apologies for what you need to apologise for, but also say it is because you are extremely stressed by the current ongoing situation and your health. Seriously they were being pretty selfish putting you at risk, (but you probably need to find a better way to say that).

Try to keep it short, don’t blame anyone (including yourself) and try not to get emotional. Think long term, this is setting a pattern for the future.

If they are decent people they will meet you halfway, if they don’t meet you halfway they are not worth bothering about. Keep your dignity and self respect, but be warm and polite.

I think you were very stressed, and I think they are more in the wrong. But we’re all stressed just now - and maybe this was important to your SIL. I don’t know, but you do.

I do think your DH needs to have your back more, but he will be vulnerable to succumbing to his family dynamics. Maybe they’re all scared of SIL?

Unfortunately you need to set the boundaries.

Onlinedilema · 11/07/2021 21:23

Up you haven't done anything wrong.
Why are your in laws so invested in this, it seems quite bizzare to me.
You have said you have plans , full stop.
I would not be organising anything, I would leave it to your dh to sort.

Brefugee · 11/07/2021 21:35

No way in hell would i apologise. I would message them all one more time and say stop badgering me to move my birthday celebrations with my family. That is the end of this discussion.

The constant pestering would get on my tits too and as for being loud? they haven't listened when you've been quiet, have they? Ask SIL to move her birthday celebrations 20 times when the time comes...

Fountaining · 11/07/2021 21:53

@Bluntness100

Responses on here are always so harsh, it’s like some posters want to be big and hard behind their key boards.

In reality she should apologise for asking again, but your crime of shouting at her is worse. So yes you should apologise

So the OP snapped and raised her voice because she’d run out of patience finding new ways to say ‘No, I’m not rearranging my birthday’, and she’s supposed to be apologetic? Fuck that. It’s that kind of meekness that landed her in this situation in the first place.

Brefugee · 11/07/2021 21:56

Responses on here are always so harsh, it’s like some posters want to be big and hard behind their key boards.

nope, I'm like this in RL. If someone pesters me and i explode at them because otherwise they don'T listen, i won't apologise. And I'm petty so i would do the same to them when their birthday (or whatever) comes up, just to drive my message home.

BrilliantBetty · 11/07/2021 21:58

I'd be taking a big step back from engaging with them and attending their family functions.
Since they have such little regard for you and your plans to see your own family. And all gang up on you. As if your husband went back after they'd told you to leave.
Find people who give a shit about you, and spend your time with them.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 11/07/2021 22:01

OP I'm really disappointed that after all the advice you received to the contrary, you went ahead and apologised anyway. When me and DH were newly weds, my MIL used to dictate things to the whole family, and they all jumped to do her bidding. A year later I'm expecting my first baby, and she starts hassling for us to do something, so long ago, I can't even remember what it was, but her requests kept being repeated, and one day she phoned and asked yet again. He came through and repeated her request, and I just blew my top, threw a cushion across the room (unheard of, as I'm usually very mild mannered), and shouted out that I was not going to be bullied into doing whatever it was, while I was 8 months pregnant! My DH was so shocked he went back to the phone and told MIL that he'd better call her back. We discussed it, and I told him, if he wanted to remain my husband, great, back me up, if not, then fuck off back to mummy!! He phoned her back, told her we wouldn't be doing what she wanted, and if she asked again, it would be the last time she heard from us!! Guess what, after that she treated me with the respect that I deserved, and we ended up being very good friends. So, OP, you really DO need to stand up to your DH and his family. No one has a right to bully you into doing what they want you to do, which is what your MIL and SIL were doing.

Cherrysoup · 11/07/2021 22:01

You did nothing wrong. Repeatedly being asked to change the date when you’d repeatedly said no is harassment. Your dh scuttling back to mollify his family is the big issue, IMO. He needs serious words for that. Saying he’s had a hard 18 months, how the hell does he think you’ve coped living separately and you’ve presumably had the dc? Cheeky git!

tony68 · 11/07/2021 22:02

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HotPenguin · 11/07/2021 22:10

So you DH and kids potentially have covid now? What's the point of you staying outside and them all going in?

Strikethrough · 11/07/2021 22:21

Your SIL accused you of preventing the whole family being together (when in actual fact, the culprit is COVID i.e. no one's fault actually but hey they're going to blame you) and her solution is - wait for it! - to prevent YOUR whole family being together for your birthday! Priceless.

Your SIL has repeatedly refused to accept your polite response that you are not willing to change your birthday plans because, guess what, just like MIL you too have not seen your family much this year. Could they be any clearer that they don't think you matter?

When you eventually, after repeated badgering, lose your cool (which, if you ask me, is a perfectly reasonable response at that point - it's not like you started the rudeness, you just responded rudely to SIL's rudeness) you are painted as the wicked witch of the west. Exactly what does your husband think you should have done at this point? What was HE doing while his sister was bullying you?

That he went back WITH YOUR CHILDREN beggars belief. I would be feeling so let down by him. Don't you dare change your birthday plans. If necessary go without him.

Italiangreyhound · 12/07/2021 00:14

It's not just children who celebrate birthdays, you are perfectly entitled to celebrate your birthday!

I really think your dh and his family are dicks. Are you safe with these ass holes?

TopBlogger · 12/07/2021 00:26

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

OP I'm really disappointed that after all the advice you received to the contrary, you went ahead and apologised anyway. When me and DH were newly weds, my MIL used to dictate things to the whole family, and they all jumped to do her bidding. A year later I'm expecting my first baby, and she starts hassling for us to do something, so long ago, I can't even remember what it was, but her requests kept being repeated, and one day she phoned and asked yet again. He came through and repeated her request, and I just blew my top, threw a cushion across the room (unheard of, as I'm usually very mild mannered), and shouted out that I was not going to be bullied into doing whatever it was, while I was 8 months pregnant! My DH was so shocked he went back to the phone and told MIL that he'd better call her back. We discussed it, and I told him, if he wanted to remain my husband, great, back me up, if not, then fuck off back to mummy!! He phoned her back, told her we wouldn't be doing what she wanted, and if she asked again, it would be the last time she heard from us!! Guess what, after that she treated me with the respect that I deserved, and we ended up being very good friends. So, OP, you really DO need to stand up to your DH and his family. No one has a right to bully you into doing what they want you to do, which is what your MIL and SIL were doing.

I agree. Does make you wonder doesnt it why people bother asking for advice if they just do what they want anyway!

Well done for saying how you felt so early on, and good to see it made MIL respect you

whynotwhatknot · 12/07/2021 01:11

I wouldnt be mixing with any of them for the next 10 days but then again your dh went back in so probably too late

Earlydancing · 12/07/2021 01:28

Your SIL was wrong to keep badgering you and you were quite right to state the case why you couldn't meet up clearly. But if you passed over into being aggressive, then although I wouldn't blame you, I think a quick apology is best.
All our relationships take a little oil to keep them smooth. I also wouldn't call any of my ILs or family, or indeed friends, twats, dicks, fuckers or any of the other delightful designations in this thread.
Apologise but only the once.

Italiangreyhound · 12/07/2021 02:00

No one on here needs to take our advice!

Thatsveryniceofyou do what is right for you.

I wouldn't call them ass holes to their faces. But I think the behaviour fits , very bad behaviour from everyone except OP!

Brefugee · 12/07/2021 07:22

Just out of interest, do you get invited to many parties

yeah, i do, thanks @tony68 - i have quite a few good friends. And one reason is that we don't nag and nag and nag at each other to change our minds to suit each other. If something doesn't work with our schedule we say "shame, next time then" and carry on. We don't disrespect each other.

The people who have done that to me have either apologised and stopped doing it and we're still friends, or they have vanished into the ether and probably are happier making friends with people who do their bidding and don't mind being nagged at. What's your point? Do you get many invitations?

Maray1967 · 12/07/2021 08:25

OP, you need to apologise for any shouting etc but make it clear that you lost your temper because you have been repeatedly ignored and harassed. You have to stand firm on this. You have something arranged with your own family on your birthday and that is that. You have explained already. If there is any further attempt to raise this I would firmly say no, that is not happening, and end the call/leave their house. You can be firm without shouting.

ParsleyDill · 12/07/2021 09:30

@Brefugee

Just out of interest, do you get invited to many parties

yeah, i do, thanks @tony68 - i have quite a few good friends. And one reason is that we don't nag and nag and nag at each other to change our minds to suit each other. If something doesn't work with our schedule we say "shame, next time then" and carry on. We don't disrespect each other.

The people who have done that to me have either apologised and stopped doing it and we're still friends, or they have vanished into the ether and probably are happier making friends with people who do their bidding and don't mind being nagged at. What's your point? Do you get many invitations?

I thought it was fascinating that that poster thought that someone with boundaries, whom her friends know is not someone to be repeatedly nagged about something without consequences, was likely to be friendless and invitationless.

But then Mn seems to skew overwhelmingly towards the most abject people-pleasers, who cannot conceive that there are ways of maintaining good friendships and family relationships without being perennially at everyone's beck and call.

Original poster

Thatsveryniceofyou · 12/07/2021 09:49

Hi all, yes I apologised. Whether I like them or not, they are my husbands family and his family are important to him, I've known since day 1. My DH and i have issues to work through and lots of things that have made us both think. My SIL hasn't responded to my message but I suppose that says as much about her. My MIL and I have sorted some of it out and will continue on the rest

OP posts:

Ameanstreakamilewide · 12/07/2021 09:55

@Thatsveryniceofyou

Not much of a background, but we have generally got on OK, we are very different people, mums etc and naturally have different opinions on a lot of things so will never be friends but have generally always been civil. My DH never used to get on with her at all, but these days they seem OK with each other.

So this week we've had a big fallout cumilating today at my PILs home. During the week we had to cancel the gathering at my in laws this weekend as one bil tested covid positive and he and his family are now isolating and another BIL also self isolating due to being a close contact. As the arrangement was cancelled, they suggested other dates. We were on holiday this week but said we couldn't do the preferred date. We were asked if we could move it, and I said no as it was my planned birthday celebrations with my family and friends. She asked if I could re arrange with my family, said sorry but due to family holidays etc no. I said we would check other dates when we get home, never got a response but assumed that meant it was OK and they would wait to hear from us on other dates. Yesterday she messaged my DH asking again if we would move my birthday celebrations as it was so unfair my PILs would have to wait so long for all the family being able to get together. My DH messaged no and said we would cross check some other dates and let them know. This message really annoyed me and my DH and I had a big argument because I felt it was very rude etc.

Today we turned up at my PIL house to see them give presents etc. Expected it to be just us but found out SIL and her husband and children were all their (her husband is currently in self isolation, day 8 out of 10) so my husband and I said we would stay outside (as I'm CEV and know I haven't got antibodies from the vaccines, I didn't want to go inside near someone who is meant to be self isolating) anyway my SIL came to say hello, she asked how I was, I said fine thank you and you. She then asked what I was doing for my birthday and whether I had considered splitting the celebration and seeing some family another day for my birthday as it had really upset my MIL that I was preventing the whole family getting together. I overreacted and said you've asked too many times and no I will not change my birthday celebrations for her. I'm fed up of her asking. Yes I l was rude in my response. She stormed into my IL slammed the kitchen door and my MIL came out saying she didn't want me to be around if I was going to sit outside and upset SIL. I admit I overreacted but hubby drove me home and then returned with the kids. now I feel awful about upsetting my MIL and have messaged her and my FIL to apologise but they say I have to make it up to SIL as well but I will be honest I don't know how to as I still feel she was unreasonable to ask again about me changing my plans. Therefore how do I be the bigger person and try to clear the air with her? Just no idea how to approach it

Like fuck would I apologise.

I admire you very much for wanting to be the bigger 'man', though.

ParsleyDill · 12/07/2021 09:57

@Thatsveryniceofyou

Hi all, yes I apologised. Whether I like them or not, they are my husbands family and his family are important to him, I've known since day 1. My DH and i have issues to work through and lots of things that have made us both think. My SIL hasn't responded to my message but I suppose that says as much about her. My MIL and I have sorted some of it out and will continue on the rest

But there's no causal relationship between your first two sentences, OP -- your ILs may be very important to your husband, but that in no way excuses their poor behaviour in continually nagging you to do something you'd already said you wouldn't do. What seems to be happening here is you meekly returning to your place, very low down in the pecking order.

You also sound entirely resigned to the fact that your husband is more concerned with his family not being inconvenienced than with your happiness, and you seem to be excessively concerned with placating him, now that he's told you he's 'not happy with you right now'. So both your husband and his nagging, melodramatic family really, what is all the flouncing around and slamming doors about? seem to have decided you're some kind of minor inconvenience that's stepped out of line for once.

Time to get some boundaries and assert yourself, OP. And make sure you thoroughly enjoy your birthday celebrations with people who regard you as important.

tony68 · 12/07/2021 10:06

@Brefugee yeah, I can totally imagine people nagging you for your company 😅

MatildaTheCat · 12/07/2021 10:15

@Thatsveryniceofyou

Hi all, yes I apologised. Whether I like them or not, they are my husbands family and his family are important to him, I've known since day 1. My DH and i have issues to work through and lots of things that have made us both think. My SIL hasn't responded to my message but I suppose that says as much about her. My MIL and I have sorted some of it out and will continue on the rest

I think you’ve taken the right approach. You bared your teeth and showed you weren’t a pushover but have apologised for any rudeness.

As you say, they are your DH’s family, not some casual mates you can dump. I’ve had a few fall outs with an unreasonable SIL over several decades and we have always made it up despite her being pretty awful to me on those occasions. I’m not a wimp, just pragmatic.

Good luck going forward.

Hoppinggreen · 12/07/2021 10:37

@Thatsveryniceofyou

Hi all, yes I apologised. Whether I like them or not, they are my husbands family and his family are important to him, I've known since day 1. My DH and i have issues to work through and lots of things that have made us both think. My SIL hasn't responded to my message but I suppose that says as much about her. My MIL and I have sorted some of it out and will continue on the rest

You are his family too. Aren’t you important to him?