AIBU about alcoholic mum?

[Milkyganache]

I’ll try to be as brief as possible... DM is an abusive alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember. She’s manipulative, gaslights and often threatens physical violence. She does all these things sober as well as drunk but is far more vicious when drunk. She’s completely reliant on my DF for financial support even though she’s absolutely vile to him. He’s depressed as a result however he continues to enable her behaviour.

In the past I’ve tried to get her help and be there for her as she most likely has other mental health problems but she has never tried to seek help and gets aggressive if you try. I’m low contact with my parents now due to their behaviour.

I had my first child during lockdown one and DH and I have obviously had no family help (or DH’s family even though they’d love to help) and I’m exhausted. My brother is now saying I should offer to help them seek help and be more supportive even though DM still has never expressed an interest in getting help for her issues - DB is trying to force the issue.

AIBU to think that I should leave them to it unless they explicitly ask me for help as I can’t “fix” them or am I being selfish for wanting to just focus on my own young family?

If your DB is so keen for her to get support then tell him to arrange it.

I’m sadly in a VERY similar position.

Detach. There’s nothing you can do other than detach. Anything you give of yourself will be wasted as alcoholics only care about themselves. I’m so, so angry about my mum missing out on my baby’s first year but there’s nothing I can do until she properly wants to fix herself.

If your DB is concerned, why is he delegating it to you?
Why not point out to him that you need help as well? He seems very generous with your time and energy.

What is your DB doing to facilitate help and support for your DPs? Or is it another case of something that is left for the females of the family to deal with - and you specifically as, now you’ve got a toddler, you’ll have all the time in the world to deal with it all while he’s off being a busy working man?

Well if your brother wants them to get help presumably he can organise this. If he doesn’t want to, why on earth does he expect you will? If he is genuinely trying to help and just wants you to help alongside him, that’s a bit different, but I would still be saying no thanks.

Only your mum can get help for her issues and that's if she wants help. Withdraw and accept your mum will never be the mother/grandmother you deserve.

If your brother wants to intervene, tell him to go ahead, but you are bowing out of the situation.

Alcoholics are selfish and manipulative but it is an illness of addiction and there is support available - but historically, dragging an active alcoholic into rehab never works longterm.

Only your mum can do this . Their is lots of support out there but it requires your mum to actually engage .

Thanks all. You’re all saying what I’ve suspected. DB is staying with them temporarily and will shortly be moving to the other side of the country. I think he’s hoping everything can be fixed whilst he’s here and I take over once he’s gone. I thought I’d made peace with the fact that she’d never change but DB is dragging up a lot of old feelings which I don’t have the headspace to deal with right now.

@LividLaVidaLoca I’m so sorry you’re in a similar position. I’ll be taking your advice on board so thank you. I am also very angry about them missing my DD’s first year and I hate the awkwardness when chatting to people about DD and the topic of grandparents come up and I have to awkwardly say that they don’t see her. I haven’t figured out how to navigate that yet.

@Milkyganache it’s awkward, isn’t it. The expectation that you’ll be spending loads of time with them and having loads of help.

I’m so resentful tbh.

Hi, I was in a similar position to you. Please take the advice to detach. my sister did very effectively about 20 years ago but I didn't. It was a mixture of guilt/duty - wanting to do the right thing. I wasted 20 years, my mum didn't want help. I finally detached once I hit 50 and finally realised I was causing myself so much pain. I had a good year that year, ended an abusive long term marriage and detached from my abusive alcoholic mother. Pity it took me so long to take back control!

Detach. There’s nothing you can do other than detach. Anything you give of yourself will be wasted as alcoholics only care about themselves.

This this this.
Alcoholism rips families apart way beyond the alcoholic themselves. You need to practice self-preservation. Protect and prioritise your own family unit. And do not let any guilt penetrate.

Voice. Of. Experience.

@Milkyganache

Thanks all. You’re all saying what I’ve suspected. DB is staying with them temporarily and will shortly be moving to the other side of the country. I think he’s hoping everything can be fixed whilst he’s here and I take over once he’s gone. I thought I’d made peace with the fact that she’d never change but DB is dragging up a lot of old feelings which I don’t have the headspace to deal with right now.

@LividLaVidaLoca I’m so sorry you’re in a similar position. I’ll be taking your advice on board so thank you. I am also very angry about them missing my DD’s first year and I hate the awkwardness when chatting to people about DD and the topic of grandparents come up and I have to awkwardly say that they don’t see her. I haven’t figured out how to navigate that yet.

Have also been in a similar situation. Both parents alcoholics, my mum died last year from vascular dementia (in part genetic, but I don't think the alcohol particularly helped). Am low contact with my dad who was particularly controlling and abusive.

I tried so many times (as a teenager ) to get them to face up to their issues, but obviously didn’t help.

I probably detached emotionally from them as a teenager...

Also feel awkward if anyone asks about my parents but recently I've just started being honest and say that my dad is an alcoholic.

Would you expect your own child to take care of you and solve your problems when they grow up?

I have a difficult family situation too. My parents are needy and have demands and expectations of their children. My mum is a functioning alcoholic.

I have put strong boundaries in place and learned to look after myself - there is not other choice.

Leave them to it, you can't help someone who doesn't want to change.

No leave them all to it. If your brother wants to get involved he can carry on instead of shouting the odds to u. Don't be guilted or manipulated by him!